RELAPSE / FEEL LIKE TRASH

Hey all, I'm experiencing a relapse of social anxiety and severe depression after it transitioned from hypochondria back to social anxiety... I have had social anxiety and depression my entire life, but experienced minor recovery for about 6 years when I tried an array of SSRI's and actually freaked out so much about the withdrawal effects that I became a hypochondriac. I thought I was developing schizophrenia, going crazy, never going to recover, was dizzy, had headaches, etc. I went in for MRI's, etc. This was all back in like 2005-06.

When my psychiatrist prescribed me with an antipsychotic I refused to take it and stopped seeing him... I would rather be dead than on one of these drugs. (This was after being on SSRI's for about 2 years). During the next couple years I experienced incredible surges in anxiety as a result of school, getting into a car accident, and the discontinuation symptoms from SSRI withdrawals. I honestly thought I would never recover from this trap. The worst was withdrawal from Paxil, but ironically it was the only drug that actually did anything to alleviate symptoms. It stopped working thought which is why withdrawal was necessary.

Eventually all the health-related anxiety from the discontinuation symptoms became so powerful that all I would do is look up symptoms for diseases online. Ironically this resulted in very intense anxiety, but almost zero social anxiety. I could see people and was fine in regards to talking and actually enjoyed socializing... I never saw this coming.

I did my best to ride the wave of no social anxiety for as long as it lasted. As I worked to conquer my physical anxiety (somatoform/hypochondria), I noticed that the sympathetic nervous system gradually slowed. I became more relaxed and began to worry less about these symptoms such as hearing loss, brain tumors, diseases, vision problems, diseases, etc.

In 2012 I graduated from college and my dog died, I didn't know what I would do for a job, and my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. Shortly after I experienced a break up with my first ever girlfriend (at age 22). Additionally I also moved to a new city to live with my cousin about 3 hours away from where I grew up and felt very alone.

After these events I went in to a therapist who gave me a personality test and she diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality and Schizoid Personality... Shortly after this I contracted HSV-2 (genital herpes) from someone that I trusted. The fact that I was diagnosed with personality disorders and an incurable STD made me even more suicidal and depressed. I also dwelled on this for a long time because I used protection (a condom) and she had no visible symptoms.

Months after this, I ended up meeting a new girl and decided to enter a relationship. Although she didn't have herpes, she accepted when I told her I did. I said I didn't want to have sex, but she insisted and after about a year, she developed HSV-2. Fast-forward, she starts gaining a lot of weight and my attraction to her drops. However, she is currently my only form of social support and without her I would literally have no one.

I not only feel guilty for no longer being attracted to her, the fact that I allowed myself to get HSV-2 and ended up giving it to someone just eats away at me. The anxiety I have prevents me from making friends, trying new things, etc. I am now living with my girlfriend and honestly feel like a total loser... no job, no goals, just trapped by my condition. Feel like a total victim because I know that really my only hope is to go back on an SSRI, discontinue, and hope that I experience hypochondria again to eliminate social anxiety... which in itself really isn't very fun.

I am also experiencing complete embarrassment about my girlfriend's weight too. I try to look past it because I know I could be in her position, but I cannot control my natural instincts - if I could I would be attracted to her. Now I am stuck in a mess of problems and really am completely alone other than the GF. I feel suicidal most of the day (in part because I'm so lonely).

I'm really not sure where the proper place is for this particular post... so I'm putting it in this anxiety forum even though it could fit in depression as well. I'm 25 years old and honestly feel as though I will be suffering for the rest of my life with mental illness. It really makes me go to bed at night and pray that I die as soon as God / the universe allows. I have given up on all dreams at this point as a result of my illness.

I really feel like it's just a waiting game. I continue making it through days with no desire to live. I take good care of my physical health, but feel as if there is no option for bettering my mental health. Therapists always tell me to "get a job" or "volunteer" etc. but I can't bring myself to actually follow through. And the cycle of loneliness, anxiety, and depression continues.

Sorry to hear you feel so bad, I understand it's not easy.
Are you currently receiving therapy, like CBT? It's what is supposed to keep you feeling well when you stop using medication. I can see you also have been trhough alot with your mom and dog, it's cause for feeling bad, so allow yourself to feel bad, not beating yourself up is one thing that could help relieve some stress. It's one of the most prominent things I read in your post, you beating yourself up *hugs*. You allready have a hard time, no need to add to it, but I understand cause I do it too. I mean, I understand about the embarrasment for your girlfriend, but re-evaluating these things could help I think. I mean you've said it yourself, she's there for you as social support. Stop asking yourself to feel attraction towards her and appreciate her for what so does that makes you feel better.

And I feel bad for trying to give you advice, maybe you just need someone to say that they understand. In which case, I do.. it's just not easy to just go out there and get a job or to volunteer especially when you have social anxiety and when you know you will probably not feel a whole lot better at first.

If I may give some advice: If a job, or volunteering is just too big of a step, try taking smaller steps in the same direction. Maybe first look things up about volunteering on the internet, reading up about some topics and how other people have experienced it. Maybe just go outside and go for a walk to see someplace nice. I find working with the elderly to be very non-threatening. Going for a walk with an old lady or man, talking about the weather, or they usually talk about their problems with their hips and whatnot. It might be difficult, but in the end what if it helps?