The past keeps pulling me back

I'm having a hard time letting go of the past. I can say I didn't have the worst life. I grew up in a decent family.

I'm the youngest and my older brother and sister have always been the problems. I know in my teen years I attempted suicide mostly for attention, but at the time I didn't know that. At that time, I really wanted it, I didn't want to deal with growing up and life. Very selfish I know.

My sister was diagnosed with depression and admitted to a depression clinic when she was 18, I would have been probably 13 I think. My parents found out she was slitting her wrists and so they admitted her. She seemed a bit better after she left (she only stayed for 1 week I believe) but she defiantly still has issues with depression. She was raped years later when she was 25 and has basically disowned the family because she believes we were never there for her. Even though we were. It's really hard on me but much harder on my mom and dad. She was my best friend growing up. I haven't talked to her in close to 4 years now. Everyday it hurts thinking she could just forget about us.

My brother has always had problems, bad ADHD, very bad temper in his teen years, I remember many fights between me and him or him and my sister. He's much older now 30+ has for the most part controlled his temper but his ADHD still has him in trouble. He doesn't often pay his bills, parents always bail him out even though they can't afford it. He has many issues with authority, drinks everyday to handle his life. He hates his situation but won't do anything about it. I just don't get it.

I bring them both up because I hurt for their situations.

Beyond that there are other things that haunt me almost daily.
-I was molested when I was 8 years old. I have only told one of my ex gfs in the past other than that, I have never told anyone till now.
-I regret a lot of decisions, I started a business around the same time my sister was raped and I lost focus on the business, pissing off a lot of customers, because I couldn't get my head straight when all this was going on.
-When I had that business going, I had it running for about 3.5 years. My grandmother on my dads side was starting to get dementia. I always put business first but I knew she wasn't getting better and they found an aneurysm. So since I haven't seen her in the 3.5 years while running and starting a business, I thought I would make the trip down. I planned on a certain weekend but couldn't make it because a project came up. She died that weekend. 3 years later I'm still having a hard time dealing with that. I was just at her grave stone yesterday, and I still keep thinking in my head,"Please grandma forgive me for not being there!!!" I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way and I know she would forgive me but I still can't seem to move on.

I'm having a hard time with my current decisions in life. I'm questioning all my decisions. I want to quit my job. I can't seem to work because I'm so stuck on things. I'm normally really good about just blocking stuff out and moving on, maybe it's finally catching up with me. I always kept to myself in the past because my parents were always busy with my older siblings, and I didn't want to bother them. I have been told I'm a wallflower and I would agree, I'm very much a loner. I have a hard time letting people in and when I do I have a hard time letting go.

I feel like not living but I know I have to. I have to for my parents and everyone else I love.

I recently had a girl move in with me, shes just a friend but I want more, and she does too. But I don't think I can be all there while I'm trying to deal with this past. I haven't told her any of this, maybe I should but I just told her I have been rehashing the past a lot lately and I'm having a hard time with it all. But I have told her I like her. I just need to get through this first.

I feel like I'm floating through life and I'm going no where. This isn't where I wanted to be when I was 25 and now I don't know how to get back on track. How to let go of this stuff. How to move on. How I can be the amazing guy I am to this girl I really like, who I want to let into my life but I don't want to scare her way because of my past.

Please someone help me in anyway you can.

It sounds like you have had a really difficult time. To be honest I am not sure you can just forget your past, because its a part of who you are, your history. But you can learn to forgive yourself, to let go and move forward.

Have you ever considered counseling or therapy? I am just wondering if it might help, to be able to talk things through. There is a lot of stuff in my past and whilst I did find it painful to talk about it, therapy did help me a lot; to accept it and let it go. My past will always be there, and whilst I wouldn't recommend the experience to anyone, it has made me a better and stronger person. But it doesn't hold me back anymore.