Don't know what to do with myself anymore

ahhhhhhhh, so I'm going through another episode. Depression evolves into anxiety and the anxiety makes me start questioning my own sanity. Then the cycle repeats itself. I fear that I will never be able to live a normal life. When I get like this I really feel disabled. Everything seems like a huge task. I procrastinate to the point where I get NOTHING done at all. I think about actually getting better, and it either seems impossible or it scares the $#%^ out of me. Am I using this as a crutch? Or am I really unable to function normally? Somedays I can't even get out of bed. The depression gets to be really debilitating, almost paralyzing. Sometimes I want to cry so bad but the tears just wont come out. I wonder what that is all about. Maybe it has something to do with the antidepressant.

When I go through these periods I am constantly questioning the point of all this. Existence seems bleak to me. The beauty that I usually recognize and admire is nothing more than an image to question. Why? What the ###$ is the point of all this. The world makes me sad. People killing each other for resources. people being raped of their own rights for other's financial gain. People kill without even thinking about how precious life really is. Or is it? We are all given this small amount of time here and do not know what happens after this. So why on earth would anybody take that away from another being. I don't know, this world baffels me.

also, when I get like this, I constantly question the meaning of existence, if there is a meaning at all. And I even come up with my own theories. Not that I think that any one theory is valid, but it is just something that consumes my time when I am depressed. With all this existential thinking, I sometimes wonder if I am losing it. I don't know. I'm a mess. My mind moves so quickly that I start confusing myself. Sometimes I'll even forget what I was thinking about just a second ago. Errrrrrrrrr. This sux.

I isolate myself from pretty much everyone. I have shut my phone off and it has been off for weeks. I just have no desire to communicate with most people. And that scares me too. Why do I hide from people. Maybe I don't want them to see me like this. Or maybe I just don't want to be bothered.

My biggest fear is completely losing touch with reality. It hasn't happened yet, and I have been fearing it for quite sometime (almost 7 years), but there is still that possiblity.Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. they say ignorance is bliss. Maybe if I did lose touch, I wouldn't be as depressed. I'm begining to lose all hope for the future, and all hope of getting better. I mean god, I have been like this for years.

Well, thanx for listening. I appreciate it.

Amy

Hey Amy,
Hon, I'm glad that you decided to post!!! I was wondering why you hadn't posted in awhile, and was worried that something like this was going on.
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time right now!!! *lots and lots of big hugs!* I really mean this with all my heart. You're a wonderful person, and I hate to see you suffering. <3
Depression and anxiety SUCK, you're right about that, and I know how hopeless life seems sometimes... I, too, often find myself questioning the meaning of existence, and end up isolating myself and not being able to function. It's a good thing that you are able to realize that you are doing these things, though. Now you know what you have to do... Of course it's not easy, but you have to reach out to the people who care about you, because as you know, isolation just makes everything worse... You took a good first step by posting here. Your family and friends care about you, and although it seems right now as if no one could possibly understand, they might be able to help you more than you think.
You're NOT going crazy. You're a very kind and intelligent and talented woman who happens to be dealing with depression and anxiety. You have these issues, but they do not define you! Please try to keep telling yourself this. I know it seems like these issues have been going on for so long and that there's no point in trying anymore, but I'm sure if you look back you'll see that you've actually made leaps and bounds of progress since your depression and anxiety started. You CAN continue to heal, and you WILL! You, and you alone, have the power to get better... As you know, people can support you, but only you can truly help yourself.
It seems like your medication isn't doing what it should... You should probably call up your psychiatrist and schedule an appointment to switch medication.
Take care, hon, and do your best to take the steps you need to take in order to start to recover from this episode.. If you want to talk more about this, please send me a pm! I'm sorry if most of this reply seemed like a lecture; I just really want to see you get better, because I care about you so much. Remember that you are a strong person and that you can get through this!
Love and prayers,
drama_queen

Thanx drama queen,
Your a sweetie. Thanx for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Your right, I do know what I have to do. It's doing it that is the hard part. I do have an appt within the month. and lol, i didn't feel like you were lecturing me hun. I just felt like you were expresing concern and that made me feel good. You yourself are very bright caring and talented girl yourself. And even though you are much younger than I, I take your advice as I would anyone else here. Your awesome chicie! mwah!

Amy

Aimdog,

I know that depression and anxiety suck. They make us think things we wouldn't normally, they make us not do things we want to. I completely understand. If I could just take you on a lil road trip to where I am today, isolated and agoraphobic. You'd run.....and say. I'm freee...... I don't have to take the phones off the hook, less I want to. I can do anything and not be afraid like dd.

You'd say. I'm young, I'm beautiful, I have a great family, a bf that loves me........and I have my whole life ahead of me to do what ever I want to do.

But babes, you gotta fight. Fight hard. .. go to therapy. like I won't.
You gotta role outa bed, crying or not, take a soothing bath, and get out there. Live!!!!

This old world is getting wild, I know that. I see changes everyday, and wish to God it was like it was 20 years ago, now I know what mamma was talkin bout. I'm no longer the young generation. out with the old and in with the new. I watch kids that would be my children cry for help. And I just wanna pick em up and tell em. But I can't. It doesn't work that way. No body listens. They gotta live life for themselves, and learn, and then one day they can tell their story.

What story do you wanna tell hon? Honestly.

Amy I am sooo sorry you are feeling this way and I want to help soo bad, but you wont let me in. I am so scared for you and I just want to see you better. Please just let people in. We just want to help and just like you tell me, "I need to talk about it" and so do you. Isolating your self doesnt make anything better, believe me. You need to get out into the world. Do things that used to make you happy, even if they dont right now. Force yourself to maybe call someone you care about. Let them know how you are so they dont worry. Amy I am not trying to lecture, I am just really worried about you and want to help. Please let me. I love you more then you will ever know.

Kayty

Amy,
You're welcome, hon! Glad u have an appt. with your psychiatrist this month; I'm sure u'll feel at least a little better when your medication is adjusted. And you're right that facing the problems is the hardest part, but if anyone can overcome this, you can.
Mwah right back at ya!!!:D I hope that you feel better soon and are able to reach out- you deserve to have the people who love you be able to support you.
We're all rooting for you!
love,
drama_queen
P.S. Thanks for the compliments! It means a lot to me that you value my opinions, despite our age difference. And I'm glad that my reply didn't seem like lecturing- I would hate to do that!

Thanx guys,
You taking time out of your life to help and lend advice is really touching. It feels good to know that others understand what I am going through. But, it saddens me just the same. I hate to think that others experience this kind of pain.

dd, I know that I need to go into therapy but, it is very hard because with my ocd regular psychotherapy can make my ocd worse. But on the otherhand I need psychotherapy to work through my other issues. I don't know if I even have the strength and disipline to commit to therapy. and besides I have no health insurance. I don't qualify for any state funded therapy because I have only been out of work for 6 months.

Yeah, the world is getting wild, people don't even realize how many children are dying in other countries. They are starving over there and here we are sipping ######6 lattes and listening to our 300 dollar ipods. women and children in the middle east are being raped and stoned as we speak. And us as a nation are just dropping ######6 bombs without regard for the women or children

Ddee I really don't know what story I want to tell. If I had the money I could try and make a real difference ini this world. I certainly don't want my story to be one of me being a slave to this ######6 economy. Sorry, I'm flying off the deep end. I certainly don't want to be working for some rich fat corporate asswipe. soo I don't know.

But anyway thanks for the advice dd, I do need to just rip my ass out of bed and clean my act up. I want to live. Thank you. Your great my little goldie!

Thanx again drama queen for you kind words. Your a real sweetie pie

Kayty wrote:Amy I am sooo sorry you are feeling this way and I want to help soo bad, but you wont let me in. I am so scared for you and I just want to see you better. Please just let people in. We just want to help and just like you tell me, "I need to talk about it" and so do you. Isolating your self doesnt make anything better, believe me. You need to get out into the world. Do things that used to make you happy, even if they dont right now. Force yourself to maybe call someone you care about. Let them know how you are so they dont worry. Amy I am not trying to lecture, I am just really worried about you and want to help. Please let me. I love you more then you will ever know.

Kayty

Katie,
There is no need for you to be sorry for me. I'm a tough broad. I can get through this. I'm sorry if it feels like I don't let you in hun. It's just that, you are only 15 you do not need these problems on your back. Besides you have issues of your own. But I would still like you to be here for me. Hanging out always makes me feel better. I know I need to talk about it, but there is really nothing more to talk about. The conversation would go a little something like.... yeah so I'm depressed blah blah blah this world sux blah blah blah oh whoa is me. And hunny, you don't have to be scared for me. I have no intentions on hurting myself. I am way past that. I know I want to live, and I know that one day I will find happiness. So please don't worry about me too much hun. I'm going to be ok. Can't wait to hang on wednesday, oh hey thats tommorrow yaaaayyyyyyy. Take care sweets I'lll talk to you later.
Love ya,
Amy

Amy,

I know you dont want me to be sorry for you or even scared for you, but with all of the love I hold for you I have no choice in that matter. Even on day's you are happy I worry if your ok or how long the happiness will last. I wish for you to be happy and never deal with anymore depression everyday. By letting me in you dont have to have a long talk, you could just vent if you want or even just cry on my shoulder. I have cried to you so many times, yet when I see sadness in your eyes or tears comming up you always hold back. Almost as if your ashamed to cry infront of me, like you must always stay strong with me. I dont want you to feel that way. I want you to be able to let out whatever emotions you are feeling infront of me. Yes your my big sister. Yes I look up to you, but that just makes me want to be there for you even more. I love you Amy more then I have ever loved ANYONE and I just want to be there for you. Take care hun and I hope thing's are getting better.

Kayty

PS. Im so excited to see you tomorrow.

You help so many here amy. Remember that , you do make a difference. If we/each can/could just help one person, even if that one person be ourselves we are making a difference in the world.

You're tough, and you recognize that this is depression, the beast I call it to put a lable on it, to make it physical. And that depression talks a big negative talk. Don't listen to it, You are smart.

About therapy , I understand. It is good that you are coming here. Maybe we could find something theorapeutic* for you to do, to help with this.

Even tho we see and hear horrible stories here and elsewhere, we each have to take care of us/ourselves so that we can help others.
You are a sensitive person and the world seems so dark to good people. But we are given a life. One go around.

I sat in a pit of dispair and still do occasionally, but mine went on 8 years and I hit the "awakening" got mad, and now I want to do something.......as you said live.

So how do we just do that? Just do that? What is your opinion on how we can overcome the beast and move on and fight and live a good life. That is what we are seeking right?

aimdog wrote:

When I get like this I really feel disabled. Everything seems like a huge task. I procrastinate to the point where I get NOTHING done at all. I think about actually getting better, and it either seems impossible or it scares the $#%^ out of me.

Oh Amy, I can totally relate to that feeling! Everything gets soooo overwhelming and piled up and it causes you to want to keep burrying your head in the pillow and never get up. And the cycle goes on, you get more depressed, procrastinate more, and then you end up losing hope that you will ever get better.

Been there many many times. Finally, what i do is I just get my ass out of bed, get some caffeine, turn up the music and just GET IT OVER WITH! if I'm lucky i do but at least putting in a small effort will help you feel a little better thus breaking the cycle. I have depression all the time (dysthymic disorder) and I didn't even know I had it until recently. but what has helped me is the obligation. If you have obligations you find yourself focusing to fulfilling them rather than dwelling in the seemingly forever depression.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care.