What is this?

is it possible to brainwash oneself into believing they are different then they actually are? and subsequently have terrible pain and depression? what is this? identity disorder or crisis? self image disorder? i know at some point years ago i put tons of effort into consciously changing the way i was perceived and how i thought about myself. problem was it was incredibly innacurate and i developed a major depression within a yr or two of the charade. bigger problem is i cannot get out of it. it flips/freaks me out to think there are people on this planet that i knew years ago that think i am something entirely different than i am. like 2 different people and my mind is subconciously trying to live up to the false image of myself causing really bad pain. its almost like there are 2 self images in my head and they are pulling in the opposite direction and i am left with the most paralyzing painful feeling. how do i get rid of my false image which i guess is the result of a distorted agressive ego telling me i am not ok as i am? when i think of my past my head gets so screwed up when i realize how these people think i am so differnet than i am, how can i get over this? i mean nobodys image is perceived entirely accurate by everyone they encounter and people do change over the years so i would think its almost normal to see someone years later and they are very different. its like within my head is the real me (which i never thought was good enough) then the me i created to seem ok, gain approval and they fight and pull in my mind leaving me with a lost pained feeling of not noing who the hell i am often. how can i get clean with my true image, drop the fictional self and be clear and without pain? does this make sense to anyone? is this classified as a specific disorder? the conflict needs to end so i can live....will do anything to be free of this

I experience this alot with my bpd.

I have a lack of true self, so I have many selves, but they dissolve after their usefulness is over and I am left with a shell again. Is that what you mean.?

Or even with my bipolar mania, I feel grandeaur. An inflated self esteem that last only as long as the cycle does, then I come down, question myself, and often don't remember things I've done, or how I managed to achieve them?

what is bpd? how would i know if i have that? how is this treated? i feel as if i have a personality or identity conflict....as in true self vs. fictional self......

Bpd is difficult to sum up in one post. It is one of the controversial pds there is. A cluster B.

Here is a start.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/ar ... p?artID=54

We only have fictional selves, we absorb those around us to have a self at all. but when that person leaves, their personality leaves us and we change, like a chameleon.

the reasons for this are strange and deepset, from hx and childhood learning . ( usually abuse, neglect, lack of bonding with parents).

there are alot of good article in the Bpd forum......and by A.J. Mahari on the net.

You might do some google seaches and check out the forum.

i dont have bpd.....there may not be a name for what i have....maybe depression/anxiety caused by identity/acceptance issues....always a quiet on the fringes kinda kid and when i saw an opportunity to change my whole world i ran with it and hit a wall of pain, then kept running into the wall for yrs.......its funny, just after posting this the other day a few old friends who used to live down here called me casue they were in town.....pretty much old party buddies whom i would run around with trying to be some sorta fictional character (ie-wild, crazy, party cool guy).....i think they were attracted to this as they enjoyed that whole scene....whenever i would try to be real they would see the difference and ask why i was so quiet or what was wrong? or if i wasnt meeting girls they would say something, etc etc.....they saw me as something other than my true self and i never revealed how much pain i had been in, was trying to hide that from myself too.....basically tried to hide my true self for years, since 17 or 18 because i felt it wasnt good enough, cool enough, acceptable enough and so on. so i painted this false image of me to most people i met.....not being able to live up to it coupled with self loathing caused crazy pain within me....so these guys call me up the other day and i get all twisted, ive tried to heal and get well and they have no clue, they want to know about my ladies (there are none) and the party scene and all the other crazy guy stuff i used to portray or try to portray.... so i met one guy down at the beach, had a few beers and food and it was kinda weird.....i felt kinda quiet, standoffish and sorta like a loser(prolly only in my head).....basically said i had no girl, no job and not partying at all....just being down in a beach bar was weird, so differnt for me.....i have certainly changed, i guess i need to radiate that change and whoever isnt cool with it then so be it, or not be in that scene at all......i am not "that guy" anymore....that lost, posturing, approval seeking, self loathing, self destructive guy.....dont i have the right to change and not feel pain over it? i struggle with the fact that so many people out there have no idea who i am and think of me as somebody so different than i am. i guees i need to let go of that, and not worry about what others may think of me, i doubt most even remember me....i have to focus on who i was before i became lost and who i am becoming now.....i have had too much pain, lost out on too much life to base my well being on others perceptions of me from years ago.....i have changed, gotten back to my true self (sorta) and so be it.....easier said than done....so now this other guy called and wants to hang out, he is a wild man of sorts and i just dont live like that anymore....ive tried to ignore his calls but i have to face him....maybe this weekend meet up with these guys at the beach and be myself for a bit then leve....i've got to live my own life from within now, ive had enough pain and despair for one life.....any thouhgts or advice?