I'm afraid they'll make it impossible for me to kill myself.

I have suicidal thoughts, an existential crisis.
I don't intend on having suicidal actions quite yet, but it's quite seductive.

I'm afraid of expressing my thoughts to others in fear that they'll use the information to lock me up and remove the choice from me.

I have been in your situation quite a few times with the same exact fear. I have been placed under hospital care for maybe a week but thereafter considered that as a prison which made me feel worse.

Tell me, what is causing you to have these thoughts? What is going on in your life at the moment? Do you want to get better?

Seems like you're at the right to discuss without consequence. No one wants to see you hurt yourself I'm sure. Is there anyone within reach that you feel you can open up to and they can do the same so there could be a level of trust, respect and not be judged?

My_Realization

I really think that it might be an idea to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling right now. Having suicidal thoughts isn't unusual if you're suffering from depression. It is only if you were actively trying to harm yourself or someone else that the doctor might feel hospital is the safest place for you to be. Your doctor might need to review your medication for example either by changing the dose or giving you something else. Or perhaps you need some extra support or therapy/counselling to help you feel better.

If you are feeling suicidal right now then I would urge you to seek help as soon as possible. You can call your doctor, visit the emergency department at the hospital or ring a suicide hotline. There are people who can help.

gaerteuth wrote:I have suicidal thoughts, an existential crisis.
I don't intend on having suicidal actions quite yet, but it's quite seductive.

I'm afraid of expressing my thoughts to others in fear that they'll use the information to lock me up and remove the choice from me.

Quite right they will (make it impossible to kill yourself).
My two hospitalizations, on the locked psych-ward, were the direct result of letting it slip that I had suicidal thoughts.

My_Realization wrote: I have been placed under hospital care for maybe a week but . . . considered that as a prison which made me feel worse.

Dang thought police.
Twenty-some years later; I am still angry about being involuntarily hospitalized (section 5150), and I still experience suicidal ideation.