A multitude of things I'd like to express.

Diagnosed with clinical depression, Asperger's, anti-social tendencies.
Male, Teenager.

I have multiple expressions that someone who actually cares enough will address individually. Preferably as a list, in order.

I've been juggled between schools in attempts to extract academic success from me. I feel as though their attempts are futile and I have pity on them for wasting their time on me, with such good intentions.

I am put on Zoloft, I feel like it is a poison. It does not serve it's purpose, it is addictive (call it what you will, you can't quit this stuff without invoking withdrawal symptoms. For all intents and purposes, I describe it as an addiction). And the real kicker is that my body rejects it. Every time I swallow these damned pills my body tries to get them out of me. Poison.

I have no God. I certainly wish that in the end something like a God loved me during an afterlife, but all attempts to rationally justify belief in one have failed me. I have no God. My father shares with me in this. My mother and sisters, however are devout Catholics- my mother, being prone to blaming things on Satan, has accused me time to time of being influenced by this Satan character, she fills my sisters heads with ideas that I will eternally suffer- as far as I'm concerned, she's mentally abusing them.

I long deeply for romance and sharing emotional love with a girl, but I feel that I am disabled and cannot attempt to enter such a relationship. I am a coward. I cry thinking about this as I type. I wish I could be social, but I am inherently handicapped in this area. Defective. I feel I am incompetent in the human/social world, I feel broken, disabled, defective, or disordered. I do not have faith in my ability to make social connections. I long to do this, though.

I do not trust my doctor. He insists that my medication helps me. I feel he is paid, a paid shill for pharma. They are hesitant to admit that my medication is addictive, or at the very least, "habit forming". They'd rather purport that it's this perfect miracle drug.

Upon taking a rorschach test, (if you can even consider psychoanalytics a real science) I found that I find overwhelmingly negative associations.

I have suicidal thoughts, but lack the urgency or motivation to have suicidal actions. To clarify, I've had dreams of what would happen after I've died, that is, to my family and others. I feel as though my life has gone in an irreversibly bad direction, that the effort it would require to make a positive change outweighs the effort it would take to give up. I feel that I have already dug myself too deeply into academic failure, that my future is not worth experiencing. I am undead. I have no will to live, and my will to die isn't substantial enough to act upon. I sleep as much as I can, that's the closest thing to death I care enough to conjure.

Hi,

first, i'm actually glad you expressed this things. its a good way to vent your depression.
sorry this is happening to you.. i am not sure, but as far as im concerned, zoloft was one of the safest antidepressant. it's not addictive, you can look again on the internet.

gaerteuth wrote:I long deeply for romance and sharing emotional love with a girl, but I feel that I am disabled and cannot attempt to enter such a relationship. I am a coward. I cry thinking about this as I type. I wish I could be social, but I am inherently handicapped in this area. Defective. I feel I am incompetent in the human/social world, I feel broken, disabled, defective, or disordered. I do not have faith in my ability to make social connections. I long to do this, though.

THIS IS NOT TRUE. having mental illness doesn't mean you're defective or don't deserve to love and to be loved. in fact, i see many people who has mental illness is kinder than normal people, they're more compassionate and understanding and patience.
and not every normal people deserve to be loved too! many normal people is cheat on their partner or abusing them. nah, so what i'm trying to say, the qualities of good bf/gf/husb/wife aren't determined by the mental illness. if you're deeply in love with her, caring,loving and understanding, it's a sign you're qualified enough to be in a relationship
the one thing you have to do is more confident, believe in yourself i know its not easy, i'm a pessimistic person too. but i definitely sure, n i can see you're really deserve it, just move on..

I don't know how to pull up what you wrote (and I need to, to address what i wish -- so this sucks!) but I will try to address at least some of it. Your post spoke to me for several reasons. First of all, i hear you re the Zoloft and addiction. People and docs will say, oh, no, it's not addictive oh no!, but oh hell yeah it is you liars! Trust me on this one. If you try to quit it cold turkey you will suffer even worse than quitting a "serious" drug like heroin or cocaine. How does this not count as "addiction?" Secondly, I agree re not trusting the doctor. I have a love/hate relationship with shrinks (NOT therapists who I trust more) since they only go on what they studied and what they know and what they are paid, while I am old enough to know myself better, plus having studied the same exact textbooks when I was in med school, I know that there are limits to what they can possibly know. YOU know your true self best, and they are only doing the best they can do (hopefully anyway) with what you tell them. I get very frustrated with my doc when he insists I keep taking a medicine that i have researched and tried exactly as prescribed and it isn't working one iota -- yet he keeps upping the dosage and telling me to wait. It's ludicrous and we are all their guinea pigs paying them to help us, yet receiving nothing. What the hell are we paying those jerks for?

I believe you mentioned worries about school, and can I just tell you, in the great scheme of things, take it easy on yourself. I'm not saying getting good grades is not important, but it's not the be-all end-all of everything you will ever know or care about. I was a straight A type throughout school and trust me, it's not everything. I often look back and wish I had been less obsessed with the grades. You seem very intelligent in many ways and you already seem to have grasped the fact that it's PEOPLE -- a person who loves you for who you truly are -- that matter, not other things. You said something about worrying about ever finding someone who loves you and understands you, and I think this is a universal fear. You are not alone in this, and it is something I DO think is out there for you -- I hope this consoles you somewhat. You seem (to me, anyway) to have something worth knowing, and I bet there is a person out there who would feel the same. Right now you and i are going through a very rough time, and you have a talent with words -- you put into words exactly how I feel about suicide and sleep as the only escape, like a kind of wonderful temporary death. It really does feel like that for me. So thank you for that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, i also have aspergers and i struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time(and still do sometimes).In my case getting therapy and medication (Cipram) helped a lot.I also completely understand your frustration with school, i'm 23 and still trying to finish college, and i'll probably be jobless for a long time after that..

I think what you should do first is being understanding towards yourself. It wasn't your choice to be born with those hardships, so it's not your place to carry all the burden that comes with it. And about religion,i don't think you need to be religious to accept and be fair towards yourself.

Wish you all the best!

If you view medication as addictive, you should also view air as addictive -- withdrawal effects can be deadly within minutes.

gaerteuth, if Zoloft makes you feel like that, chances are it is not correct medication for you. Address your concerns with your doctor. I had meds that I HATED and I plain told my doctor that I refuse to take them. We found other ways of dealing with my complaints -- sometimes side effects just aren't worth it.

I'm sorry you feel like this regarding your social capabilities. Here -- I found -- therapy can help a lot. Much more than medication as well. I used to think I was socially handicapped. I found out that I'm not worse than others -- I just didn't realise that others felt the same way I did, they were better at hiding it or got used to overcoming the fear.

It is Kay Jamison Redfield, if I recall correctly, who writes that in her opinion as a psychiatrist Rorschach tests aren't any more effective than Cosmo-type "which Spice Girl are you" tests.

I hope your doctor can help out especially with the suicidal thoughts -- remember those can also be a side effect of Zoloft. If you don't feel your doctor is helping, change the doctor.

Big hugs and I hope it will get easier soon.