My own ego standing in my way?

Hi I'm 20 and I’ve got a question which has been massively impacting me and perhaps my recovery. My depression is bad for me at the moment and I don’t see happiness anywhere, I can’t feel it and if I do get those glimpses/feelings of happiness it lasts seconds. I’m stuck in my room pretty much 20 hours a day, I’ve got bad BDD/social anxiety.


I cannot do anything about that other than try and get on with daily life but there’s a big obstacle standing in my way, day after day and that’s my ego. For the past few months, my ego has really stopped me from getting on with things, just dealing with it.


The situation I’m in at the moment, is I’m living with my parents, I feel because of how the past year’s went. I have this massive restriction on myself, my ego has put on me and it involves the people I’m living with.


If I was living by myself and I had a full time job, then my instincts and inner strength would come through. It would just be me by myself whenever I was at home, when I went to work then it’s with people who are just acquaintances. Obviously I can’t say for sure if I would feel bad for the rest of my days but I know that if I was in that situation, I could feel bad and get angry and not need to deal constantly with my thoughts that involve guilt and needing to act or be a certain way with people.
What I’m trying to say is, I find it so difficult to just deal with my problems head on because I live with parents and a sister. It’s a full circle going on, I feel that I can deal with things, just get on with things but yet whenever I feel any hint of happiness or just feel normal. I get so many thoughts that involve guilt, feeling guilty, feeling like a liar, that I don’t have any problems, that I’m just a fkn baby that needs to grow up. I then change my behaviours, constantly monitoring how I’m acting.


It’s like if I’m feeling normal or anything, I think oh well my Dad or whoever must be thinking what my guilty thoughts are saying. That I’m a liar, that I don’t have any problem, I’m choosing to just do nothing. So it’s like I try and change my behaviour, not challenge myself, not be myself, not deal with things how I would say I was in my own place, living on my own because I have to look out for myself. I can’t do that here, I try so hard but that ego just stands in the way. It’s the guilty thoughts, changing of behaviours, it’s makes me so angry, I just want to implode, I have those moments every day when everything just builds up. I don’t have that space, that freedom of expression, I feel that I’m being judged on how mentally stable or not I am, if I’m lying or telling the truth.


There’s the rational part of me that is there telling me what I’m doing is not getting me anywhere. For one it’s making me feel worse and two I’m never going to get better until I just handle myself, push myself. I know I need to stop acting, start being myself, even with these constant thoughts, I know that the rational part of me knows that they’re not thinking these things, I’m wasting my time I need to start acting on goals, start just dealing with it.


So when it comes to depression, then when I try and get my act together, just be me or whatever. I might get moments of confidence, it comes back to me. It’s like I hold back on doing/saying things, bare in mind all this is happening in the house, I barely ever leave the house anymore, a prison in my mind right now, I don’t leave because how emotionally wrecked I am afterwards, so therefore I don’t want to go out unless it’s dark then I don’t have to deal with other people “judgements” on me. I can express myself, walk the way I want to walk, have intrusive thoughts and just let them do whatever.


What I’m trying to say is I’m not doing what I need to do, not doing what I know is right because I feel this very powerful demon that I’ve just spoke about, involving my family and this whole circle keeps going round. I need to be thrown on my own, to get my shopping, to go to work, to HAVE to do things. Without my family, it’s like my thoughts have trapped me in this vicious circle that I need to get out of it by getting a job and leaving the house, being independent. Building confidence and independence that being in this house day in day out, feeling that I’ve got to be a certain way, AN ACT, to appear this way or that way, anybody, anybody other than my family then that weight is gone, completely gone.


The thing is, I know I’ll still have the depression and anxiety but like I said it’s like I can’t express myself, I think that’s the key. I’m not being able to express myself to just implode on my own terms by myself. I don’t want to feel like I’m making anything up, just “acting out” for the sake of getting attention, I want to just express my anger by myself, in my own place, deal with it and get it out of my system. Go to work because I HAVE to, get the shopping because I HAVE to, no mummy or daddy. ARGH.

Coming back to depression, it's like if I'm having fun or showing any form of happiness when I'm around my family, those guilty thoughts just come striking in at me, It's like I can't show these emotions unless certain situations arises that I feel it's okay too. I feel that's me ego right there, stopping me from making the progress I need, being strong enough to pretend I'm okay and not need their symphony or their trust in that I'm telling the truth. Dealing with my problems head on which I would have no ther choice but too if I was out in the world by myself. I think that's the real question here, how to overcome that ego.


I’ve written far too much up and I don’t think I’ve explained what I’m trying to say very well at all, I hope someone can get past the length of this. I just need advice, I know what I need to do but it’s this circle thing I’m talking about, the judgement of my family and my mental health. If anybody understands what I’m trying to ask here, please give me your advice.

Thank you very much.

I hope I am not reading your post incorrectly but some of what you're describing, sounds perfectly normal. You're 20, you want to go out into the big bad world and live your own life. But you're stuck with your parents who still probably treat you like you're 14. Because that's how all parents treat their kids I think. Some of what you said does sound like the frustration of someone who wants to be independent.

And some of what you've said sounds like depression. One of the things depression is good at is beating you up, making you feel bad that you're not doing better and then giving up and retreating back into the gloom. I think when you suffer from depression it does make you want to retreat.

Have you spoken to a doctor about how you're feeling? I say that only because many people who suffer from anxiety and depression do find that medication and/or therapy can help.

In the meantime maybe there is a better way to cope with the situation you're in. I am just thinking aloud here, but perhaps there's some place you can find to escape, just for you. It doesn't have to be around people. Obviously I don't know what sort of area you live in but perhaps there is some place you could go for a hike or a bike ride, take a picnic and a book. Or something else you're interested in. At home could you maybe say to your parents that you'd like to take care of your own food now and again or even go camping for the weekend or whatever.

If you're not able to work at the moment would there perhaps be some sort of voluntary job you could do? A lot of voluntary jobs don't have to involve people all day long e.g. at an animal shelter, or conservation work or just admin duties. It gets you out of the house, gives you some experience for your resume and you can usually pick your own hours and work as much or as little as you want.

Maybe what you need to do is find a way to be a little bit more independent until you are in a position to move out on your own. It doesn't have to be a big drama. You can still spend time with your family but it's ok to want to spend time on your own too.

I think the trick is just trying to break out of that circle without beating yourself up in the process.

RememberRonni wrote:I hope I am not reading your post incorrectly but some of what you're describing, sounds perfectly normal. You're 20, you want to go out into the big bad world and live your own life. But you're stuck with your parents who still probably treat you like you're 14. Because that's how all parents treat their kids I think. Some of what you said does sound like the frustration of someone who wants to be independent.

And some of what you've said sounds like depression. One of the things depression is good at is beating you up, making you feel bad that you're not doing better and then giving up and retreating back into the gloom. I think when you suffer from depression it does make you want to retreat.

Have you spoken to a doctor about how you're feeling? I say that only because many people who suffer from anxiety and depression do find that medication and/or therapy can help.

In the meantime maybe there is a better way to cope with the situation you're in. I am just thinking aloud here, but perhaps there's some place you can find to escape, just for you. It doesn't have to be around people. Obviously I don't know what sort of area you live in but perhaps there is some place you could go for a hike or a bike ride, take a picnic and a book. Or something else you're interested in. At home could you maybe say to your parents that you'd like to take care of your own food now and again or even go camping for the weekend or whatever.

If you're not able to work at the moment would there perhaps be some sort of voluntary job you could do? A lot of voluntary jobs don't have to involve people all day long e.g. at an animal shelter, or conservation work or just admin duties. It gets you out of the house, gives you some experience for your resume and you can usually pick your own hours and work as much or as little as you want.

Maybe what you need to do is find a way to be a little bit more independent until you are in a position to move out on your own. It doesn't have to be a big drama. You can still spend time with your family but it's ok to want to spend time on your own too.

I think the trick is just trying to break out of that circle without beating yourself up in the process.

Hi Ronni. Thanks for for some really solid advice. You've made things clearer for me. Means a lot.