Stuck in that dark place again

I've been battling MDD for nearly 20 years now, and have recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD as well. Recently off all meds and started trauma therapy - it has been literal hell every day between sessions. I try to use what skills I have been taught (DBT), but I still feel death calling me. It started with depressive episodes in the early evening but now I am waking up ready to kill myself, trying to push through the day and then collapsing into bed at 4am for a brief sleep (if I'm lucky). I am completely numb. I don't have any friends or family for support and aside from my therapist, I go through most of my days not speaking to anyone. I feel like I could just disappear and no one would even care or notice. I don't even know what is keeping me alive - maybe guilt for my cat who has been with me for 10 years, idk. Not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish but consider it a venting of sorts.

It truly is a horrible place to be. Would it be worth talking to your doctors again? I see you recently came off meds and obviously that's between you and your doctors but perhaps that's why things are so bad right now? You do have support here if you want to talk.

Yes, I ended up talking to my GP yesterday and getting back on meds. Feeling a lot better today, mostly reassurance that I won't have to feel like I did when I posted this!

So glad you are feeling a bit better. Obviously, for now at least meds are the right thing for you. I think sometimes we want so badly to be out of that dark place we try to run before we can walk. Hopefully the therapy will help you untangle some of the stuff going on for you. But we are here if you need to talk.

I agree and thank you, Ronni!

I feel pretty damn low most of them time too. I feel for you. What is the answer to all this sadness and loneliness?