Feels like there is nothing left but to die **Trigger warnin

I've lived with depression most of my life. There have been good patches and bad. I'm apparently med resistant and now have no job, no insurance and no way to get help. I did see a therapist for awhile and she did me a lot of good, I think, but haven't been able to see her for 1 yr now.

Right now my whole world feels like it's caving in. My Dad is dying. My bf of 3 yrs moved out. My son who moved up here from clear across the country has left me and says that he can't live in the same house as me anymore. My ex-brother who is a diagnosed sociopath hates me and has been doing everything he can for years to turn my loved ones against me. I have 1 friend in the state I live in and barely ever see her. I'm still trying to cope with the loss of my 16 yr old daughter. I have no job, bad job history for the last almost 5 yrs. No money to support myself, pets and keep my home up with.

I can't seem to see anything but negative and live in what feels like almost unrelenting pain each day. Feels like there is no reason to keep living. I have no friend, no one can stand me anymore. I was doing so much better before I met my ex-boyfriend and he moved in with me. But there was so much abuse from both side and so much negative. I wasn't allowed and still feel as though I'm not allowed to express myself without being told no, stop saying that, stop feeling that, stop doing that, that's not right, that's not the way it is/was, etc. that now I'm so unsure of myself and who I am. I feel as though I've lost my very identity, my sense of self. I have no self-worth left. My life has been lived for everyone around me, those I love and now no one wants me anymore. I'm all alone and feel like committing suicide, but I'm afraid to go to hell and never see my precious daughter again.

I don't know how to pull myself out of this pit. I feel like I'm just sinking deeper and deeper. There is no reason to live anymore as I've never lived for me before. No one can stand to be near me or have contact with me for long as I'm just so sad, hopeless, negative etc. My ex is here almost every day and he is not helping my emotional state. He says it's me that's the problem and that if I'd just stop arguing with him, things would be better, but he'll never come back again. Why would I still be loving someone who has hurt me physically and mentally over and over again? Am I crazy? I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm very sorry to hear about how much pain you are in. You are not crazy, it sounds like have terrible depression right now. But that's ok, a lot of us have been there and still are there.

I think the first thing that can help you is to realize that having depression isn't your fault. It's an illness. You're not crazy or a bad person for having it. But if you have strong feelings of guilt over feeling the way you do, they are not doing anything to help but are only making you feel worse and you don't deserve that. So be nice to yourself, say nice things to yourself (even just think them mentally) and realize this is an illness that isn't your fault and that you don't need to feel guilty. That might make you feel a little bit better.

Ok, the other thing to work on is your self-worth / self-esteem. This has been a problem for me my whole life. The reason why it was a problem for me was because I tied my self-esteem to all the wrong kinds of things: personal success, relationships, talents and abilities. If I thought these things were going well, my self-esteem was better. If I didn't, I had no self-esteem and I know how awful that is.

What has worked for me so far is realizing that what gives me my self-worth is not my success and accomplishments or even my talents, but rather just the fact that I am simply alive and a human being. To me, all human beings have innate value, and yet I held myself to a different standard than everyone else. I needed to stop doing this and realized that I have value too, intrinsic value that nothing can take away from me. Terrible things may be happening to you with your job and your relationships and your finances, but this doesn't take away any of your worth and value as a person. You will always have that.


To get somewhat better, I've had to put a lot of practice into thinking positive thoughts. It's not easy at first, but it gets easier over time and I find now I am actually starting to agree with them. Rather than thinking that I am a horrible person and a total loser and that I can't survive without a great job or a great girlfriend because I have no value without those things, I now practice everyday thinking I am a good, valuable person that doesn't need external comforts or even internal talents to make me valuable. Forcing myself to have these positive thoughts has definitely helped my mood and my functioning.

I'm hoping some of this resonates with you. And I really hope you feel better soon.

I think in your case you could look at being alone as a great opportunity, since you've lived your whole life for other people and your sense of self-worth depends on what others think.

About the money, problems, I don't know. I'm pretty good with resumes, if you want to send me yours. Or your state may have public assistance that you don't know about. There are often funds for job training.