I just want to know that I'm not crazy *trigger warning*

Hey guys. So I don't really know if anything I have to say will trigger anyone, but I just wanted to be sure... So I have clinical depression. I was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. Once in November of 2012, and the second time, in December through the beginning of January. After my second attempt, it was discovered that i have Graves Disease(a hyperthyroid condition) and i am actually having surgery on the 29th of this month, to have my thyroid removed. (my family thinks my depression is linked to my thyroid, and so they think that after the surgery, everything will be okay, but i know it won't be, because i know it's not linked) But the reason my i feel like i'm crazy, is because i know that i am going to end up killing myself. Like i've already accepted it. I don't even let myself cry about it anymore, because i just don't feel like my life is worth crying about... but anyway, i just know that i'm waiting until i feel like it's the right time...To be quite honest though, anything could really set me off, and i just convince myself that , that moment is the right one..and then bam. I'm dead. So i guess i'm not really safe, but i don't feel like i can tell anyone (especially not my psychiatrist) because they'll just put me in the hospital, and no one at the hospital can help me, and i don't want to spend the rest of my life in hospitals...i just want to live until i'm ready to die... But am i alone in knowing that one day, i'm going to end my life?

Please don't kill yourself, Beff.
I know how hard it is to hold on when all you want to do is just leave this world and never come back.
But please, stay alive. Maybe, just maybe, you will start to feel better.
Talk about it with your therapist, it may help alleviate the pain.
Don't give up.

They won't put you in a hospital for the rest of your life. No insurance would cover that.

Major depression comes with the feeling that it's here forever. I used to think exactly the same as you -- that I will kill myself, that it's just a question of "when", that nobody can help me. Guess what -- I was wrong. But I would never have found out if I indeed killed myself. I don't want to say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" because maybe your problem is temporary and maybe it isn't. But suicide *is* forever. You don't get a second chance to try and see if perhaps there was another option.

I have no idea if your thyroid illness can be related to how you are feeling emotionally. I know that thyroid malfunction can mimic bipolar disorder symptoms though, so I wouldn't be entirely surprised. I hope your surgery goes well on the 29th, and if not, that you will give psychiatrists at least a chance or two. I mean, the final option is always there, even if you wait a while. So why not try all other options first? One of them might just work. (This is exactly what I forgot when I was attempting suicide myself -- to try other options FIRST.)

There is an interesting book -- I recommended it to someone else this week but I swear I didn't write it "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me" by Susan Blauner. It helped me stay alive so far. Might be going back to it at some point.

Big hugs -- I hope you stay safe and that your surgery goes well.