I don't know what to do anymore. *trigger warning*

I'm posting this with the caveat that I don't know why I was drawn to come to a place with complete strangers to write out everything in my life that I'm tired of. I guess I consider it catharsis, because with all these thoughts festering in my mind, I suppose I just need to get this all out at once. I don't know how to really talk to anyone about how I'm feeling.

My name is Chelseigh and I've had a really hard life.

I was born with a predisposition towards mental illness. It's run on my mother's side for god knows how long. My mother has OCD with a generalized anxiety disorder, and has had her run ins with clinical depression, and as she tells me, "You come by it honestly." I, myself, have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and clinical depression, with some obsessive tendencies (when I'm stressed, for instance, I'll take multiple baths in order to ease my anxiety). It didn't help that there were external events that occurred in my life that exacerbated these problems; from ages five to seven, I was raped and molested by a couple of family members on my father's side. It did not stop until they were caught, but the issue was never resolved. My parents made the unfortunate decision to try to bury the problems instead of dealing with them. And, from them, I learned how to do so with my own problems.

I've been seeing a therapist for years, and it's only recently that I've finally made some breakthroughs in my recovery. My general anxiety has eased immensely and I'm doing a lot of things on my own now (seeing as I am an adult, this has always been really embarrassing for me, especially when I compare myself to my peers, who don't have the same difficulties I do). I do my best. I've always been very diligent about my recovery, because I don't like feeling the way I do most of the time. But I feel like I'm relapsing again, and I don't know what to do.

I'm in Uni, going down the legal track, since law has been a passion for me for as long as I could remember. But to be honest, i feel listless, and I don't have much confidence in myself right now. I don't know if I would even enjoy being a lawyer. I don't even know if I would be successful as one. I was allowing my social anxiety to keep me from going down this path, but me pursuing it was an attempt to show that my fears couldn't control my life and couldn't keep me from having the things I wanted. And yet, I still find myself unable to motivate to do the work and it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing. It's also getting harder to convince myself that I do have a place in this world.

I'm starting to feel like all the bad things that happen to me are a sign that I shouldn't be here. Because of my mental illnesses, I made friends with like-minded people that ended up being really abusive because I was vulnerable, and it was only with therapy that I finally was able to put up boundaries and stand up for myself. My therapist was hell bent on convincing me that my failure with relationships had nothing to do with me being a bad person, but rather because I was more likely to expose myself to people who would take advantage of me, because I'm an easy target. I know she's right in some ways, because I have friends now that are really nice and wonderful and treat me well, but even with them I still feel a sense of inferiority. I'm doing my best to be aware of signs of self sabotage. But it's also hard to deal with the fact that because I hate myself so much most of the time, I think that other people do as well. I know that's not fair. I know that's a terrible thing to say. But I feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's love and affection. I feel like a ###$ up, a failure, and a broken machine that's only functioning at this point because it's too afraid to die.

Almost everyone around me is getting married and having children. It's stirred up some raw emotions in me because I've always wanted to be a mother. I want so badly to be a mom. I know I'm not ready yet because I can't be expected to take care of anything that precious when I'm having difficulty as is taking care of myself. But at the same time I want it so badly, and it's hurting me that I may never get there. I don't feel good about myself physically; people tell me I'm beautiful but it's hard to believe them when no one really takes interest in me. It doesn't help that I have a really difficult sexuality to deal with; I'm physically nauseated by the idea of sleeping with anyone my age or younger. For as long as I could remember, I've been attracted to older men, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I met a wonderful man when I was 18, 21 years my senior, and I thought he was going to be the one, until he left me because the age difference was bothering him. I hold nothing against him. He's a good man. But it makes me feel pathetic; I couldn't even get an older man to commit to a girl like me, despite how much he sang my praises. He's the only man that's ever shown actual interest or attraction in me. And that deals my self esteem a low blow when I realize that my sexual history only relates back to him and my rapist.

When I was trying to be more confident and self assured, I made plans to artificially inseminate and be a single mom when I am 29. I was trying to convince myself that not having anyone couldn't stop me from having the life I wanted, but now I'm doubting if that's even good. It feels like the act is entirely selfish. It feels like it's for me and for me only, and I don't want to subject any future child of mine to anything that would hurt them terribly. I get emotional when I think about it; I don't know him or her yet, but I love them enough to know that they deserve the best out of me. On top of that, it's starting to feel pathetic that I even have to resort to that to have children (because it feels like no one else will ever want someone like me). I know I have to be more healthy before I even begin to think about starting a family, but with how off and on this depression is, it feels like there will never be a point when I'm healthy enough.

I'm hopeless. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared that I'm never going to have the things that will make me happy. I'm scared for a lifetime of this. Every beautiful person in my life tells me that I won't die alone and that things will be okay, but it's starting to get harder and harder to believe.

And now I realize how pathetic and self-pitying this is and I feel terrible about it. There are people in the world dealing with worse things, and perhaps I brought most of this onto myself, because I am a whiny, worthless and pathetic person. If you even read this far, I'm really sorry for wasting your time. This was a selfish act from a selfish person that needed five minutes to just write everything out because she couldn't handle keeping it bottled up inside anymore. I'm sorry.

Hi, Chelseigh.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I am so sorry to hear about all the things you've had to go through and about the way you feel.
It reminds me of my own pain. I can relate to a lot of things you said.
Just know that you are not worthless and you don't need to say sorry for feeling and expressing your feelings.
I believe you can get through this with time, patience, a little bit of hope and some support.
Start by blocking out every negative thought you may have about yourself. Just say no to those thoughts and reject them, no matter how truthful they may seem.

And just hold on. Don't give up and keep living.
One day you will feel better. I want you to hold onto that thought and never let it go.

Take care of yourself and be well.

Hi there
Don't apologise for how you feel. You might be surprised that as I was reading about your view of yourself I thought it was me you are talking about! That's what you have done, reached out to like minded people. Your experiences in the past would have destroyed many, but somehow you have found the strength to keep going. What a great achievement !!! Hold on, every day you get through is one day nearer to the blackness lifting. Try for small steps, remember depression is an illness, it affects how we feel, think and act. It is that that's wrong not you. While you recover your health, keep talking on here. It helps you , it helps us too. X x

Thank you both for your extremely kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

More catharsis. This will be therapeutic. An open letter to me and to anyone else that may need this.

Hi.
I know everything hurts right now. I know you've been thinking about the pill bottle at home. I know for the first time you feel fearless. I know you think that maybe it would be alright to just do it and then go to sleep. I know you feel bad that you'd hurt your friends and family... I know you feel like you can barely take it anymore. But you can't. You can't do that. There is so much left to be done.

I'm giving you the pep talk that everyone else seemingly won't. These are the words you want to hear. That little voice inside your head is wrong and everything it says is a fountain of falsehoods. You aren't worthless. You aren't ugly. You aren't a waste of time. There are people that care about you, and you know it. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. For you, I know it's because you wish you had someone that would take you into your arms, cradle you, tell you that everything's going to be okay, and tell you it wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve this. You are beautiful and special to me... and I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I know you want that from someone... and maybe someday it will happen.

I know you wanted it to be -that- person. But it just wasn't this time. And that's okay, because it wasn't due to anything that was wrong with you. That person told you that at length. That person really wanted it to be you, too, but sometimes there are things that get in the way... things that don't click. Things that can't work. I know it feels like they'll just go on and live an entirely blissful life without you. I know that somewhere deep down you want that for them. But I also know that you're really angry that someone else is going to hold that person in their arms, just like how you wanted to, for the rest of their lives. It's okay to be angry about that. It's okay to feel slighted by the world. It's okay to feel like you've been dealt a $#%^ hand. I know you hate it when people try to invalidate that idea, because it's like they're telling you that you have nothing to be sad about. But the world isn't working against you, and you know that. But it has given you a really hard time so far, and I'm really sorry for that.

Ending it now means that our entire existence was just pure pain. I know there are happy moments yet that you haven't experienced. I know there are things you still want to do. So you're going to do them. You're going to make them happen, because I know that you know you deserve to be happy at least -once- after everything you've endured.

You are a good person. You are a valuable person. You have a good heart and you're going to do what you can to leave a very, very good legacy for this world. It doesn't have to be anything big, but I know you want it to be meaningful. And it can. You just have to back up and stop bullying yourself for five minutes so you can push forward. If you keep yourself down with everything else that's hurting you, then you have no chance.

you have to be there for you when no one else will be. You have to treat yourself good when no one else will. You don't deserve the abuse from yourself on top of everything else. You should be the best friend you want to yourself, comforting yourself, bolstering yourself up... You need that. Stop hurting yourself. Don't punish yourself for things that aren't your fault anymore.

I love you. I know there are people that love you too. And I know you'll meet more people that will love you as well. You just have to give them the chance.

It's a beautiful letter Nimue, and it is also true. *hug*

I remember being extremely depressed last year. Thinking of ending it all. And then on a particularly bad day I heard a new Pet Shop Boys song. I've been a fan since 1991. And that song was a massive and sudden return to form, and the album that followed is their best since 1989. I listened and listened with this massive smile on my face and feeling of joy and thinking "if I killed myself I would have missed this".

There is joy waiting for us. We may not know when, where or how. But it's there. And your letter made me smile -- especially the last part -- so you're an element of my joy now, too. Thank you.