I have no friends//almost a vent but not really

in total I had probably five good friends.
we will call them K, S, D, C, and E.
As a teenager, I've started experimenting with who I am. I dress very differently from everyone I know. people at school don't make fun of me, no, it's D's mom. she was always insane and always made rude remarks about me but overall, she was fond of me and D and I have been best friends for four years. I used to always be at D's house everyday but we barely hangout anymore and it's her mothers fault. her mom is so caught up with her public image. she has to look perfect all the damn time and I ruin that with my "weird" makeup and "weird hair". D doesn't agree with her mom and her mom has never admitted this out loud but that's what's happening and I just know it. she kicked my sister out of her position as co leader of our Girl Scout troop and she rarely calls my mom anymore, who used to be good friends with her. it's upsetting that she's taking her daughter away from me when all I'm doing is being myself. it's so sickening because I may dress like a punk but I'm polite, I do well in school; I'm a good person. I hate that she won't be around me just because I'm "weird" when she knows how wonderful I am as a person. (not to be cocky)

So now that D has been removed, I began talking to E. she was weird like me, so I knew she and her family would accept me, and they did. I always felt comfortable with her and I even developed a crush on her. now a few weeks ago, E told me I try too hard to be different and I'm fake. she's talking about me to people and it just hurts a lot because I thought she of all people would appreciate my weirdness. she knows everything about me and still she believes I'm a poser. I'm just surprised that she doesn't get me and it hurts that she' won't talk to me anymore. she hates me for being who I am but the thing is, she doesn't even believe it's who I truly am. she hates me because she thinks I'm faking it and that's worse. I'd rather be hated for what I am than what she thinks I'm trying to be.

C is another one I had a crush on. She's suicidal and her anxiety keeps her out of school a lot. we never saw each other much but we did date for eight months. we fought a lot and once she was telling people we never dated and I made it all up and I felt rejected. so since I was hurt and angry, I blew up at her and we haven't spoken since. that was a month ago. we usually make up but this time it feels permanent. as cliche as it sounds she was the only one who seemed to get me and care about me and now it's like I'm dirt to her.

S is a great friend. She is bi as well though and her parents had recently told her that they were against gays and found it strange and untraditional and just wrong. they don't know about her but it's making her depressed and anxious and she doesn't want to hangout with anyone. I understand why but it's still hard not to feel lonely without her to talk to (since no one else will talk to me). I also feel uncomfortable going to her house now. her parents don't kno that I'm bi and I usually don't care about opinions but the way they presented it to her made me feel like I was wrong going there.

lastly there is K who I'm rude to a lot but she's also very sensitive and I forget about that sometimes. I snapped a week ago when she was being annoying and since then she's been distant and I feel horrible but I can never swallow my pride and just say sorry.

I'm feeling extremely lonely and extra depressed and anxious lately and I started to cut again due to.
I don't know what to do anymore.

There is a forum on this site for self harm, if you want to talk about your cutting there to get some support for that I encourage you to do so. Is your depression manageable? or is it out of control. If your depression is out of control I encourage you to seek professional help. Take care.

It can be hard for friendships to survive long-term because we're exposed not only to the positives of other people but to their negatives. People can either grow alongside those who are kind to them and compatible when not fighting, or let things like short tempers, emotional turbulence, or differing opinions on minor topics destroy a friendship instead of set it back.

Swallowing your pride might be unpleasant, but getting started might take nothing more than a, "Sorry for the things I said. I know I can be difficult, but I care and I'm trying." It doesn't need to be grand.

There's something to be said for knowing when it's not just a matter of having had a big fight, though. I've had to let go of some people who encouraged me to spend time in toxic environments or always put my feelings second to the feelings of the majority over the years. One of them wanted me to essentially suck up to people who'd harassed, ignored, and sniped at me until I left the group so that I could be accepted again, because they were all friends.