[Triggering] For people having recovered from depression

Hello. When I was depressed I was very suicidal. After many years I felt it had mostly gone, my life was as a result totally different and because until now I've still had a severe social phobia its still far from normal and likely will never be. I found that my view on living was neutral and still is, even though ideally I would live a long and happy life, I know that is not realistic. Ideally I could end my life whenever if I felt it was time, but because of family I feel unable to leave that burden and "tragedy" on them. And I have often felt like ending it at times, even though I feel I do not have depression anymore, but of course unable to because of this. Does anyone else feel like because of having had depression in the past they now feel neutral about living even though they have recovered from the depression? In certain European cultures suicide used to be seen neutrally, but for very long now it is mostly seen always as a tragedy and a very negative thing.

I do. It is something that is related especially to having attempted suicide. It is no longer 100% taboo for you to think of taking your own life, and as a result somehow becomes "an option". I could take the pills, or I could have a workout, or I could kill myself. "Normal" people don't think like this. But we who have attempted to take our own lives had to normalise the experience (otherwise our brains would explode from knowing we tried it). This is the sad side effect.

Yeah I guess makes sense.

Im going through this for the second time and this time have a plan so if this is following me forever i might as well end it today

Hey barrano247, theres no way of saying how you will feel in a few weeks, a year or in the future. Everyone's experience is totally different, just like how their lives are totally different. For example my life has probably been totally different to yours, and the outcome and the future will so also be different. We also have totally different views on many different things too, thats probably guaranteed since everyone is so different from the next person. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I know that I feel totally different then how I used to, even if life is still not so great. Call a hotline or a professional if you think that would help, or go to the emergency room at your local hospital. Maybe a stay a hospital might really help you? It really helped me a long time ago. Feel free to send a pm if you want to talk. Hope you feel better soon.

Its unfair that people who have suffered a lot and want to die have stay alive because of the guilt of the family who will miss them. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I know how you feel about family. if it wasn't for my family I would have died years ago. The first time I overdosed my sister and 1year old neice came and visited me in thehospital. I realized I couldn't do it. know theire are 2 more a neice and a nephew. I cried then and my mom didn't know why. maybe when they grow up illhave another chance

Thanks for the reply. Yes it makes it extremely hard to justify going ahead with it, even if it feels for the best.

I'm staying alive for my Mother and my cats. Once they're gone sayonara. Obviously I'm not "recovered" from depression. Apologies for replying but I figured I'd mention that you're not alone in your thinking. My depression waxes and wanes, but it's always there. Suicide is almost a habit of thought now. If something small goes wrong my thoughts automatically go to, "Well, you could just end it." But then there are times when I REALLY think about it, think about how to solve this problem of sticking around for family, etc. In the end though I've resigned myself to sticking around, but there's a good chance I'll die before them which would suit me just fine.

I have the same kind of feeling about staying alive just for them until theyre gone, but its still going to be a very long time so it doesn't really help that much. No need to apologize the point of the forum is to post anything you are thinking that could contribute. Yeah its hard, everytime something really gets to me I also remember I don't have to go through this $#%^, but then the good old guilt comes back about what I'd do to my family. Its a catch 22. I hope you get better some day. My problems now is mostly the anxiety though its effects gets me often into periods of depression though its not often so intense as the depression I used to constantly have. I also thought it would never go but it did eventually almost totally go. It came for me at the same time I guess that I started realizing that I had no reason to hate myself objectively and it was all inaccurate to think these things.