Trapped

I am really freaking pissed off. I have been experiencing big time depression for 18 years now. Im so tired of fighting every day. I am on a new med and i have been on at-least 30. This one isnt working, I cant sleep, i am in constant damn physical pain. I am the provider for my wife and 4 boys. i dont want to stop trying so I keep going. My doc put me on adderall about 7years ago because nothing else works. When I dont take it I dont have ANY motivation, I dont abuse the crap, I just want to live. Anyway, I broke down and cried this morning for the first time in years? I dont know. My life seem like its a nightmare. It really is not getting better but people my family are counting on me, for leadership, for money. I just need someone who understands, my wife tries I guess but at this point she just distances herself from me if I talk about any pain or whatever. And I have to admit that I am critical of her, you know I am not critical to almost anyone except myself and my wife. Why am I so critical of her? I do keep my mouth shut and specifically go out of my way to say nice things to her. Also I have based my whole life and taught my sons to believe and follow Christ but I have no response from God for years and years. I just keep acting or whatever to be christian but there is no power in my relationship or my beliefs. I still believe his ways are right but hes not helping me and has not. I just keep suffering and there seems no answer or end in sight. I dont know how long I can keep trying, but what else is there? I cant see killing myself, that would be so wrong to those who love me. What and why, Damn... I have done counseling, group therapy, prayer x1million, drugs, self help books. I dont see anything I have not done. I am not a wimp or a complainer. I am a muscular 6'5 man who does tree work. I have had many major physical injuries, probably because I push my body extremely hard and I patch myself up and keep going but everything is hard. A f=ing beautiful day is hard. Thanks for reading