I've been thinking about suicide on a regular basis for years. I haven't gone that route yet since I'm still alive, but it feels each year that it is coming closer.
I have clinical depression, and I take medications. I felt better for awhile in my life, probably over a year or so, and no longer needed them, then needed them again.
My mindset is almost that suicide is fate. I cannot take so much more of all of this.
I have some anger management issues along with emotional melt downs as well, and many symptoms of autism making it hard to relate to other people. I am trying to be a teacher, and I keep fearing that my anger is going to get me either arrested or fired and it is just a time bomb waiting to go off.
Those who don't have anger management issues will think just not doing anything unlawful and controlling yourself is the easy answer, but often when I don't lash out at anyone, it bottles up inside, sometimes for years, and I am still upset at people who I want to get even with sometimes from incidents that happened over 10 years ago. It will often control my mind and interfere with my daily life until I can't control myself anymore.
The reason I want to be a teacher, is I love children and working with them. I am very tolerant of them, and never had a situation where I sought revenge on a child for anything since I've been an adult. I worked as a summer camp counselor and many told me I was the coolest counselor and always wanted to play with me. I also want to adopt a child as a single father someday, because I'm aromantic. If anything stopped these plans from happening, such as a criminal record, I would be devastated and probably go through with suicide.
I also get upset with daily life problems, and one small disappointment seems like a catastrophe to me. Whenever I have to change my routine or my plans, something goes unexpected, or I don't get something I feel I've earned, I have an emotional meltdown and treat everyone else poorly sometimes.
These problems have been here since grade school, and in my mid-twenties I cannot find a way to rid them. I don't have the maturity of an adult, nor am I able to make friends with a lot of adults. I feel that most people don't like me anyway, but are just being nice, so if I killed myself it wouldn't really have much effect on anyone else outside my family anyway, and my younger siblings would feel upset for awhile, but would have a better life without me in it in the long run.
I just don't really know how to handle this.