Long Term Suicide Plans

I've been thinking about suicide on a regular basis for years. I haven't gone that route yet since I'm still alive, but it feels each year that it is coming closer.

I have clinical depression, and I take medications. I felt better for awhile in my life, probably over a year or so, and no longer needed them, then needed them again.

My mindset is almost that suicide is fate. I cannot take so much more of all of this.

I have some anger management issues along with emotional melt downs as well, and many symptoms of autism making it hard to relate to other people. I am trying to be a teacher, and I keep fearing that my anger is going to get me either arrested or fired and it is just a time bomb waiting to go off.

Those who don't have anger management issues will think just not doing anything unlawful and controlling yourself is the easy answer, but often when I don't lash out at anyone, it bottles up inside, sometimes for years, and I am still upset at people who I want to get even with sometimes from incidents that happened over 10 years ago. It will often control my mind and interfere with my daily life until I can't control myself anymore.

The reason I want to be a teacher, is I love children and working with them. I am very tolerant of them, and never had a situation where I sought revenge on a child for anything since I've been an adult. I worked as a summer camp counselor and many told me I was the coolest counselor and always wanted to play with me. I also want to adopt a child as a single father someday, because I'm aromantic. If anything stopped these plans from happening, such as a criminal record, I would be devastated and probably go through with suicide.

I also get upset with daily life problems, and one small disappointment seems like a catastrophe to me. Whenever I have to change my routine or my plans, something goes unexpected, or I don't get something I feel I've earned, I have an emotional meltdown and treat everyone else poorly sometimes.

These problems have been here since grade school, and in my mid-twenties I cannot find a way to rid them. I don't have the maturity of an adult, nor am I able to make friends with a lot of adults. I feel that most people don't like me anyway, but are just being nice, so if I killed myself it wouldn't really have much effect on anyone else outside my family anyway, and my younger siblings would feel upset for awhile, but would have a better life without me in it in the long run.

I just don't really know how to handle this.

I also have often thought of suicide and wanted to do it, and attempted it in the past. I know it must be really hard, but it sounds like you are a good person who can help others. Maybe instead of bottling up your feelings take it out on something like begin a hobby like boxing, go running to get the pent up feelings out, or go fishing, or start doing something else you always wanted to try or would like. You could start a course or degree teaching or something to put your talent to good use. Hope that helps somehow. Good luck.