I wasn't sure where to put this, I settled on here in the end as its not cancer specific really (thats just an element of it) and the cancer forum seems very quiet, and I kind of need reassurance that I'm not being heartless like I think I might be...?
As a brief summary of the last 12 months, I was diagnosed with stage 1b cervical cancer (I'm young, this was after my first smear and a total shock) and underwent treatment to remove my tumour, most of my cervix and the lymph nodes in my abdomen. All of this was massive emotional trauma on top of depression and anxiety which already plagued me, I was suddenly faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy and the chance of recurrence, possible infertility, possible early menopause....
Luckily it was caught early and successfully removed but I'm not out of the woods yet and am back in the stages of waiting to hear about results again after my last routine MRI. I could cope with that, sort of, I've learned how to harden myself to it to a certain extent. I mean, have days where I don;t feel I can cope but I'm sure thats normal and I think my depression kind of trained me for this in a twisted sort of a way, because I've had years of feeling I can't cope, so I'm used to that aspect of things. I was not mentally prepared for a questionable result to put back our plans to start trying for a family however, as this is something I've been discussing with my partner and we're worried that if we don't have a family soon a recurrence of the disease could rob us of that chance forever.
All of that is difficult, and yes its made my mental state a little weaker, plus the fact I'd stopped taking my medication in preparation for getting pregnant asap... But what I'm finding really hard is that My twin sister is pregnant, she's just past the 12 week mark so I'm hoping its ok to post this. She cried when she told me, I know she was nervous of me being upset... and I'm really happy for her, but everything is now revolving around her being pregnant... I've had to move back in with my parents for various reasons (lost job after diagnosis) and she's always coming over and talking about the stuff she's bought for the baby, what she wants to buy, what names she likes, that she hopes its a specific gender as she thinks that gender will be easier to raise (?!)
My whole family are constantly talking about it, and in a way I think they think that I'm coping, I'm trying not to let it show that I'm not... but I'm not.
I failed to hide my feelings at a recent wedding when I was sat between my sister and my cousins and it was announced that one of them was also pregnant, everyone clapped and hugged and I'm sat there in a little black void... Luckily another cousin who's really been there for me trough the cancer noticed my face fall and dragged me into a hug to hide the tears streaming down my face.
I am happy for them both, I really am, they deserve happy lives... But I'm finding it so hard not to focus on everything thats happened to me over the last year... how hard its been and how hard it will continue to be... that I might not be able to have my own children and yet it was so easy for my twin to fall pregnant be chance. I really want a family of my own, I feel like having my fiancé's children would complete me, and we would have the perfect family (or as close as you can to one).
I think every so often it crosses peoples minds that they are talking a LOT about something I desperately want in front of me as I occasionally see 'guilty' faces when they realise I might be feeling low... but I don't know what I can do...
From now on its going to be all about the baby in the household, its going to be on everyones lips and I'm not going to be able to get away from that... I don't want to be a spiteful old crone who asks people to stop talking about it so much just because I'm jealous... But I can't cope with it all the time, I had to leave the room and go and sit by myself for a while so no one would see me cry.
I don't know if she really knows how lucky she is...? Or has noticed that life seems to throw her everything good and me everything bad. That sounds pathetic but its how I feel today...
My best friend is also planning on getting pregnant as soon as she's married (a couple of months time) and talks about it a fair amount.
I just don't know how long I can cope trying to hide my emotions all the time like this...