Cruel juxtaposition....

I wasn't sure where to put this, I settled on here in the end as its not cancer specific really (thats just an element of it) and the cancer forum seems very quiet, and I kind of need reassurance that I'm not being heartless like I think I might be...?

As a brief summary of the last 12 months, I was diagnosed with stage 1b cervical cancer (I'm young, this was after my first smear and a total shock) and underwent treatment to remove my tumour, most of my cervix and the lymph nodes in my abdomen. All of this was massive emotional trauma on top of depression and anxiety which already plagued me, I was suddenly faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy and the chance of recurrence, possible infertility, possible early menopause....

Luckily it was caught early and successfully removed but I'm not out of the woods yet and am back in the stages of waiting to hear about results again after my last routine MRI. I could cope with that, sort of, I've learned how to harden myself to it to a certain extent. I mean, have days where I don;t feel I can cope but I'm sure thats normal and I think my depression kind of trained me for this in a twisted sort of a way, because I've had years of feeling I can't cope, so I'm used to that aspect of things. I was not mentally prepared for a questionable result to put back our plans to start trying for a family however, as this is something I've been discussing with my partner and we're worried that if we don't have a family soon a recurrence of the disease could rob us of that chance forever.

All of that is difficult, and yes its made my mental state a little weaker, plus the fact I'd stopped taking my medication in preparation for getting pregnant asap... But what I'm finding really hard is that My twin sister is pregnant, she's just past the 12 week mark so I'm hoping its ok to post this. She cried when she told me, I know she was nervous of me being upset... and I'm really happy for her, but everything is now revolving around her being pregnant... I've had to move back in with my parents for various reasons (lost job after diagnosis) and she's always coming over and talking about the stuff she's bought for the baby, what she wants to buy, what names she likes, that she hopes its a specific gender as she thinks that gender will be easier to raise (?!)

My whole family are constantly talking about it, and in a way I think they think that I'm coping, I'm trying not to let it show that I'm not... but I'm not.

I failed to hide my feelings at a recent wedding when I was sat between my sister and my cousins and it was announced that one of them was also pregnant, everyone clapped and hugged and I'm sat there in a little black void... Luckily another cousin who's really been there for me trough the cancer noticed my face fall and dragged me into a hug to hide the tears streaming down my face.

I am happy for them both, I really am, they deserve happy lives... But I'm finding it so hard not to focus on everything thats happened to me over the last year... how hard its been and how hard it will continue to be... that I might not be able to have my own children and yet it was so easy for my twin to fall pregnant be chance. I really want a family of my own, I feel like having my fiancé's children would complete me, and we would have the perfect family (or as close as you can to one).

I think every so often it crosses peoples minds that they are talking a LOT about something I desperately want in front of me as I occasionally see 'guilty' faces when they realise I might be feeling low... but I don't know what I can do...

From now on its going to be all about the baby in the household, its going to be on everyones lips and I'm not going to be able to get away from that... I don't want to be a spiteful old crone who asks people to stop talking about it so much just because I'm jealous... But I can't cope with it all the time, I had to leave the room and go and sit by myself for a while so no one would see me cry.

I don't know if she really knows how lucky she is...? Or has noticed that life seems to throw her everything good and me everything bad. That sounds pathetic but its how I feel today...

My best friend is also planning on getting pregnant as soon as she's married (a couple of months time) and talks about it a fair amount.

I just don't know how long I can cope trying to hide my emotions all the time like this...

Look, it's okay to tell them. You're not gonna come off as selfish. You're trying to survive. You need some space to feel better, maybe ask them to just tone down a little when you are around, see how it feels for all.
On a happy note, same is gonna happen to you when you're pregnant, you'll be the jewel of attention, so look forward to it!

Hi, I am sorry you are suffering this way. I understand suffering, long suffering. I want to ask you some questions. How old are you? How long have you experienced depression? Does you fiance know and except you may always suffer and is Ok if you keep suffering with depression. Is he willing to help . I ask these questions because of my personal experience. I thought my wife would "make my life better' I thought that if I had children ( i have 4 sons) and raised them to love God and mentored them it would make my life better. After 18 years of suffering I have found that my marriage and my children make life more difficult not less. Dont get me wrong, I love my sons. They are so amazing, miracles, and my wife is a good person but it really isn't about what they do for me or somehow they make my life less painful. I know that we get the idea that a spouse or a child will make life so much better or even believe that our lives will become somehow perfect if only we get married or have a baby. This is not reality. I will just make statements about my won experience. I am sick, mentally ill. For 18 years I have experienced major depression. Having a wife and 4 boys has made my life harder, why? because I am suppose to love, cherish and provide for my wife. I am suppose to mentor my sons and live life lead them and help them become good strong healthy men. I have a hard time getting out of bed every day, I find things hard that a normal man takes for granted. So, when I read that you think that getting married and having a baby will help you or make you happy. I think that is not reality. Im not saying that having a beautiful baby wont be wonderful, but if your depression is clinical, the baby, the fiance, wont take away your pain and if your pain and suffering continues'' which will be the case if you have clinical depression'' what then? Now if your depression is not clinical and it is situational because of the cancer, then you should be able to give your fiance and your baby the love and everything they deserve because you are healthy and well, but all that aside. People or things do not somehow cure or make a perfect life for anyone. Its not about what they will do for you but what you can do for them.

Pinkiepie, thank you for being straightforward, I think I needed that. I'm going to mention it to my sister and see how she feels, I know she was nervous about telling me in the first place which leaves me feeling a bit guilty that I've unintentionally made her feel bad.

Heromaker, in answer to your questions I am 26, and have been suffering since I was around 13/14. I remember feeling low before that but things seemed to become more difficult as I hit my teens.
As for my Fiancé, he knows, and was him who pushed me to go onto medication in the first place, which was a good move for me as I found my moods much more manageable on meds.Before I met hi I had struggled along unaided for years, my parents were always very anti mental illness, on more than one occasion I remember hearing my dad tell my mum he didn't believe depression really existed, so in my younger years I was not diagnosed. It was only when I left home that I finally got up the nerve to go to a doctor who then referred me to a therapist and it was all confirmed. Since then my parents attitudes have changed. Thats going off on a tangent though!
My fiancé has been absolutely fantastic, andI really do think he's one of the best things thats ever happened to me, he helped pull me out of an abusive relationship and has been the most accepting and understanding person regarding my depression and anxiety that I have ever met. I won't bore you with all the reasons I know he's the right one for me, we'll be here all day if I try and list it all.
I fee like I should clarify, I'm not a teenager who's suddenly decided a baby would be 'the best thing ever' I think the cancer has had a massive part to play in my current feelings. I'm suffering a lot of anxiety about recurrence and my body clock has reached that point where it is firmly insisting to me that I should be having a baby. I don't know how better to explain it than that, I was never a broody person, or even a great lover of children until around spring time last year, when I suddenly began feeling that primal need to reproduce. By no means do I think it will solve all my problems, or make my depression vanish. In fact I'm fully willing to accept that I'll probably struggle with my moods more than your average new mother, but I know that I'm read for the responsibility. Despite the depression and the disease, I've got the partner I need and I know we'll weather any issues we come across, even if I do still suffer with very low moods. I'm hoping that after the pregnancy (provided that I am still able to get pregnant, which I won't find out for about six months yet) I will be able to go straight back on my meds and I'll be able to manage this more effectively again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I'm never going to get rid of this, and that I did not mean to sound as though I thought marriage and children were a cure-all, as I know they are not. I was trying to get across the difficulty of knowing your ability to have a family may be taken from you, whilst your twin sister is having a merry old time being pregnant and having a perfect existence. I'm not wording myself well, I know that, I rarely do when I'm trying to talk about my feelings...

I don't think you're heartless. It's human to feel that way. And as long as you are not lashing out or being disrespectful, it's perfectly okay to voice your feelings to them. Who knows, maybe just telling your sister how you feel might make it easier to hear later, even if she doesn't change anything. Just getting it off your chest, to someone close to you who has a part in this, may rectify the issue, you know?

As far as you getting pregnant, I hate to be harsh, but what are you going to do about it right this second? You won't know for six months whether you can or not. Maybe it'd be best to just put that problem on the back burner, and when you find out for sure, deal with it then. In the mean time, the anxiety will only make things worse and will probably add to your irritability/sensitivity. So, just let it go for now, as hard as that must be to do. Focus on getting healthy (mentally and physically) so that you will be prepared to be the best mom possible.