How will my sister get over depression?

In addition to medication and doctors, isn't getting rid of the trigger to depression crucial to recovery?

I need advice I would really appreciate it.

My older sister has depression. She has attempted suicide and started cutting almost a year ago and has been staying with my parents and me. She is seeing doctors and therapists regularly(though she hates the doctors here) and taking medication.

People know her as a competitive person, a jerk or both; sometimes they come up and tell me how mean she is.

She's mean because she's insecure; therefore she bullied me and picked on people in person and on t.v.
I always caught her scowling at me even though I'm really average myself. She was guaranteed to glare at me whenever someone pointed out that I was a little taller. She's actually prettier but that's not good enough for her. I can tell she's worried that someone in the family might be more successful.

But she has been nicer overall because before her depression I got fed up with her bullying and stopped trying to be close to her. She's too insecure and ashamed to apologize to me so she apologized to our mom instead. I'm okay with that, I want to move on already. People who don't know about her depression told me to stay away from her; but I am forcing myself to be closer to her and more friendlier like old times.

She pretty much confirmed my guess as to why she has depression. My sister wants to be her life to be a certain way. She wants to be a doctor, or as she told our mom: have at least have a job that pays “at least $100,000” a year. She wants to be beautiful and married. She doesn't like kids but it seems she feels embarrassed if she never has any. One time when she was in high school I overheard her telling her friend with pride that she and another cousin are going to be the only successful ones in this family.

She has a business degree from one of the top business schools in the country; we know because she kept bragging about it and telling people how much their universities "sucks". But she hates her degree now because it's not a big money and admiration magnet; I did some research on her degree and it seems it would bring her a nice life so it's baffling that she hates it. So now she started studying for high paying professions and became really frustrated.

Our family has tried to telling her over and over again to not worry about HOW she compares to others. But she clearly hasn't changed that mindset.

Some days she is happy, while staying cooped in her room and watching funny shows. Other days she just starts crying. She seemed to be getting better until today.

I walked over as usual and this time and asked what was wrong she adamantly told me to go away. I didn't want to leave and she pointed out that I sound judgmental and impatient whenever I try to comfort her; looking back, that is probably true.

I'm not a perfect person, but I'm one of the nicest people one would ever meet as long as they are nice back and I always comfort my friends..etc. At being the beginning of her depression, I was a better listener and comforter and she thanked me; but now I'm frustrated and I try to not let it show but it's hard. I'm also frustrated at how I can't cheer her up, so I get mad at myself too.

Everyone in the house is really busy and stressed with other things too; I have two jobs and I'm just about finished with college. But we have worry about her not eating..etc.

A lot of the times, when I hear her crying, it's when I'm tired and I'm about to head to bed so that doesn't really help my tone when trying to comfort her. But I realize that I have that tone by default now because I just get really drained when I talk to her because our conversations usually hit a dead end because I ask her to talk and vent. It doesn't matter what my tone is, she gets flustered and says: “I don't know.” I never yell or raise my voice, but I haven't been as patient lately and I feel bad about it.

She's worried about me judging her, which does happen. I don't tell her though; in fact, I don't tell her a lot of things. I'm mad that she's the only one who can really end her depression but she won't do something about the trigger.

One time, she was sad about being a spoiled person her whole life and I lied to comfort her.

Her: Everyone thinks I'm a spoiled brat...probably you too.
Me: I don't think that.
Her: Don't lie. I know I have been.
Me: No. No. That's not true.

We have to really watch what we say around her since her problem is being morbidly insecure. My mom kept telling me to keep my dating life a secret from her; and I do that regardless of whether she tells me to or not.

I pretty much have to hide anything that reminds her that she's not perfect like her old high school notebooks and transcripts; she was a great student but she doesn't like to be reminded. I even hide the trophies I've earned and kinda got mad when my dad found one in high school and started showing it off.

I need to have a career and my own place after college, but I'm worried that will depress her if I do it first. Heck, whether she's successful and rich or not, if our cousins and I are more successful than her, she would really hate it.

One time I excitedly told her to come see our cousin's cute baby on webchat and my sister got mad.

I just think it's a catch-22 situation: She's sad because she feels like child by being taken care of, but she won't be better until she takes the time to recover and readjust her life philosophy of being a perfect adult (which she hasn't abandoned).

She's even more depressed because she feels really degraded, depressed and embarrassed due to living with our parents again instead of living the picture perfect life, but she can't achieve her goal if she doesn't alter her mindset because that kind of thinking is what led to her treating others so poorly and her depression.

She's also worried about paying for treatments; yet she been impulsive shopping online and crying over how much money she blew away.

I really need advice. I know I need to fix my tone. I have been reading online and talking to nurses at my part-time hospital job but I'm still lost. This isn't caused by something like a divorce or break up, so it's hard to find someone who relates.

My parents are retiring and can only take care of her for so long. I won't make a lot of money coming out of college and I'm worried that she might have to stay with me someday and I have to watch her pretty regularly. If she lives with me and I take care of her, she'll be depressed over being a burden.
I volunteered to take her to the psychiatrist and she felt really bad that I waited a long time for her even though I didn't mind. She hates it when someone takes care of her.

She can't get better on medication alone right? She needs to eliminate this comparison mindset right?

Hi Ruci..I am so very sorry your sister is suffering from depression.I'm also sorry you and your family are having to suffer along with her.
I'm not quite sure how anyone can help her,even medication and therapists,as she has to want to help herself too,and I'm not sure if anyone can make her see the light in that,other then her own realization that she wants to commit in getting better.By the way,you sound like a very loving and caring sister.
I will say this,it seems like your sister has gained a lot of power and control in your household,by using her depression,almost like a weapon.That is not good,as she might be finding herself in a manipulative comfort zone,as you can't seem to share the joys and positives in your life freely,without her becoming upset.That's not fair,and she should understand that.You should be able to talk about your life,and not worry about depressing her.The depression isn't about you to begin with,but it seems to be shifted towards those she seems close to.Having the household revolve around her moods isn't going to help her in the long run,but will just reinforce her actions.Maybe she is looking for reactions at times to feed her depressive state.You also seem to be making up some excuses for her behavior.It is NOT OK to bully anyone,insecure or not.Scowling happens at times..I've done it myself..as jealousy is human nature,as long as it is not consuming.I'm glad you did put a stop to her bullying you.
Comparing ourselves to others does no good.You know it and I know it,but how you can make her see that point,IDK..??Maybe try getting her to read some self help/inspirational books??Dr. Phil has some,so does Deepak Choppra.I've read some by Deepak Choppra over the years,they were pretty good..And I think there is a man named Dr. Well..probably plenty more too.Maybe some of these reads could teach her some coping skills,how to appreciate life,and how to accept herself.*Dr Andrew Weil* I think I spelled his name wrong up there.If she doesn't changer her mindset,she will set herself up in a vicious cycle of depression,injuring herself,and manipulating your family..If this mindset "works" for her,she will keep up with the behavior and cycle she is in.Life will become repetitive.
Also,is her DX only depression?Anything else going on like Bipolar or anything?And no,meds won't make anyone better with anything,no matter what you have,,,you have to help yourself.I wish and hope your sister finds some peace and happiness in this world..I wish you peace and happiness also.XX

Ruci,I just noticed they have a section here under topics on books for depression,sad,bipolar,self help stuff.Maybe there might be some good reading there for your sister!I might check some out myself

Thanks Starbright! I'll look into those books.

I don't think she's manipulating us. She loves attention, though not really a spoiled person anymore; she's the kind of person that wants to earn that attention and admiration. In fact, she's working right now at a part time job which is great. My sister swallowed her pride and works at the family business.

But the whole pride issue is still making her sad, I can tell.

She's had terrible temper all her life although now she has a better control grip over it. But she hasn't been diagnosed with bipolar disorder....that I know of.

Still, we have to watch what we say. Yesterday, when we were watching a show and I stopped myself from saying that this actress was pretty.

But you are right, it is really annoying how sensitive she is.

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