I dont want to kill myself- but I dont see options

Hello,

**possible triggers, and possibly long...you were warned*

I am looking for some guidance. I will save the long story. I am depressed and have OCD (maybe) or maybe i'm just uncomfortable with that diagnosis. I want to kill myself, not because i'm particularly sad (although there is that, sometimes). I want to kill myself because I don't want to drudge through another day, life is exhausting and I just don't want to live it.

For years now I have basically told myself that the only fair way I could let myself do it is to seek treatment first and give it a fair chance, which historically (for the most part) I have not. So I've been doing that, some counseling and meds that are not helping. I'm an adult (31 if it matters) and I've come to the decision I need some hospitalization, or intensive treatment of some kind.

I work for an insurance company, we are a big company and have fancy things like disability, fmla and insurance. Things that in theory, would make one think they could get the treatment i'm seeking. The problem is I work in the health insurance field and I know that without doubt, there is zero chance my medical insurance will cover a claim for me, because historically I have not sought treatment. I would probably also have my fmla/STD denied for the same reason. I could go anyway, it would be a minimum of 45 days before I saw a denied claim. but treatment prices are so off the wall that even if treatment were even a little successful (which I doubt) I would have an insurmountable amount of debt for said treatment, and while money problems are not really part of my problems now, I cant imagine feeling any better with debt over medical care.

Is there an option I don't see? A resource I Don't know about? I live in NY and I am desperate for help, but I cannot and will not put myself in a position to make my life more difficult. It is unbearable now, and really I want to want to live, I just don't.

I'm not entirely sure why I Posted, but here it is feel free to discuss...

I don't get where you think you need to have sought treatment in the past in order to get treatment now.

Insurance companies cover treatments which are medically necessary. If you meet the criteria - which for hospitalization are usually along the lines of being an imminent danger - they will cover you.

But I've been hospitalized and also done partial hospitalization - and these were not really "intensive treatment," like I think you're imagining. The hospital was mostly about keeping you safe until your Meds were adjusted, there was no individual counseling - just groups which were pretty mindless. Partial hospitalization was similar except you go home at night.

Best treatment I've gotten has been outpatient. It's really a matter of finding a good psychiatrist and therapist then anything else. If you're not making progress, maybe switch? If the Meds aren't helping - try new ones? Outpatient can be extremely effective and life-saving if it's the right match for you - and it's really where you're going to make long-term progress.

But you should know that these feelings you're having - that things are hopeless, that life's exhausting and always will be, that things can't get better - these are *part* of depression and they're illusions. Depression is very treatable - even when you've had it a very long time. There's every reason to think that with the right treatment things will get better, and you won't be thinking the way you are now. I know it's hard for you to grasp that at the moment, but it's the truth.

The idea that you can't get treatment because you haven't sought it before is absurd. I think you are making excuses because getting treatment seems like too much work. You have to get over that if you want to get better.

Maybe you could try a different job, or doing something like volunteer work helping a charity so you would have something to constantly be proud of and feel good about. If you feel suicidal maybe you could think about staying at a psychiatric hospital, or taking a break from work. I know how you feel about not wanting to live though our present and past is probably very different. You could try starting a hobby, it sounds lame, but you might actually find something to cheer you up or keep you a bit distracted and allow you to do something you can be proud of or to make you a bit less depressed. Good luck.

If you haven't sought help yet, I'd advise you do so. That is the option you are talking about. If you don't have insurance with your job and live in the U.S., there are clinics that charge on a sliding scale. You may be surprised how good you feel after getting help!