Feeling dead inside

Hello everyone,

For quite some time now, I've felt dead inside. I really feel like I'm an empty vessel devoid of normal feelings and emotions. I'm alive in the sense that I walk, talk, eat, drink, sleep and breathe but emotionally I feel like I don't exist. All I tend to experience is irritability and frustration. I seemingly have no empathy and am isolated from society. Nothing excites me or makes me happy and my mental state has deteriorated so rapidly over the last few weeks and months that I'm now having violent fantasies. I've never had a fight with anyone but I see people as mere objects. I've become a very cold man who, although isn't suicidal, wouldn't care if he died during the night. I don't connect with other people and don't have any true friends. I'm physically and psychologically dependent on Tramadol, which is an opiate painkiller, which is perhaps contributing to this emotional coldness. I'm also struggling with anorexia which, again, may play a part in this empty feeling. Perhaps even what's happened in my past has had an effect on this monster I've become. As I've mentioned, I don't feel empathy. When I see people in pain or in danger, it doesn't bother me. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could be born again and be a decent human being. But I can't. So what do I do? I've been on antidepressants, had therapy and tried self-help. It seems to me that I'm not able to be helped. Does anyone know what I mean?

My emotional situation is similar, though not on the same levels of intensity. Still, if the fate of mankind rested on my shoulders in some sort of intergalactic judgement, I'd give the okay sign for our alien buddies to exterminate us all.

Misanthropic ramblings aside, have you talked to your doctor about your painkiller? Maybe you can find a viable alternative which doesn't mess (as much) with your head, since it's suppose to improve your life quality, not make it worse. In the meanwhile, the usual advice applies: don't shut yourself down, at least not completely. The simplest necessary actions are taking walks, going to places you like and keeping minimally connected to society through the internet and small social interactions from daily life.

Having a hobby and exercising are helpful, though the energy for actually doing them can be hard to get when you're depressed. Even thinking about it has stressed me out before, so I hesitate on giving advice, but persist for as long as you can, keep cultivating the thoughts so that they can be converted to willpower when the time is right (e.g., you feel slightly less depressed or have a small burst of euphoria).

Lastly, you shouldn't try too hard on beating yourself out of supposedly negative or cruel traits. It's fine to not give a crap about a person you barely know, there are already plenty of people who manage each others' lives more earnestly than workaholic executives. And don't even get me started on the stupidity of celebrity gossip. Being apathetic doesn't necessarily mean you'll go around killing everyone or being a jerk, specially if you despise everyone. We're all trash anyway, so there's no point in making things worse than they are, let's just tolerate life together. And by together I mean away from me, of course.

Zen wrote:My emotional situation is similar, though not on the same levels of intensity. Still, if the fate of mankind rested on my shoulders in some sort of intergalactic judgement, I'd give the okay sign for our alien buddies to exterminate us all.

Misanthropic ramblings aside, have you talked to your doctor about your painkiller? Maybe you can find a viable alternative which doesn't mess (as much) with your head, since it's suppose to improve your life quality, not make it worse. In the meanwhile, the usual advice applies: don't shut yourself down, at least not completely. The simplest necessary actions are taking walks, going to places you like and keeping minimally connected to society through the internet and small social interactions from daily life.

Having a hobby and exercising are helpful, though the energy for actually doing them can be hard to get when you're depressed. Even thinking about it has stressed me out before, so I hesitate on giving advice, but persist for as long as you can, keep cultivating the thoughts so that they can be converted to willpower when the time is right (e.g., you feel slightly less depressed or have a small burst of euphoria).

Lastly, you shouldn't try too hard on beating yourself out of supposedly negative or cruel traits. It's fine to not give a crap about a person you barely know, there are already plenty of people who manage each others' lives more earnestly than workaholic executives. And don't even get me started on the stupidity of celebrity gossip. Being apathetic doesn't necessarily mean you'll go around killing everyone or being a jerk, specially if you despise everyone. We're all trash anyway, so there's no point in making things worse than they are, let's just tolerate life together. And by together I mean away from me, of course.

Zen, many thanks for taking the time to comment on my post. With regards to the painkiller medication I take, this is something I've discussed with my doctor before. I find that it assists in allowing me to sleep a little better, I tend to have more energy and it prevents me from hitting the dark depths of depression. Maybe I can talk to him/her again and see if there's a supplementary medication I can take for the emptiness, although I don't think there is. Perhaps I'm seriously lacking in serotonin. Who knows?

I tend to spend a lot of time on my laptop, especially on social networking websites so I'm not completely socially withdrawn. And I enjoy countryside walks, although I've been physically unwell for a few weeks now which has made getting out and being active somewhat challenging. Perhaps this has contributed further to my 'dead inside' feeling.

With regards to the negative traits, I feel too emotionally detached to care about most things nowadays, least of all how emotionally cold I can be. But deep down I know that being emotionally depraved/deprived (whatever the correct term is) is no life. When I seemingly don't give a crap about anything, it makes living a life pointless. I see people who are able to laugh, smile, cry and express a wide array of emotions and I know that I'm missing out on what it's like to be 'human'. However, there's seemingly nothing I can do so I may as well just get on with things and hope that one day things change.

Anyway, thanks again for your comment.

LondonGuy

CJC1992 wrote:Hello everyone,

For quite some time now, I've felt dead inside. I really feel like I'm an empty vessel devoid of normal feelings and emotions. I'm alive in the sense that I walk, talk, eat, drink, sleep and breathe but emotionally I feel like I don't exist. All I tend to experience is irritability and frustration. I seemingly have no empathy and am isolated from society. Nothing excites me or makes me happy and my mental state has deteriorated so rapidly over the last few weeks and months that I'm now having violent fantasies. I've never had a fight with anyone but I see people as mere objects. I've become a very cold man who, although isn't suicidal, wouldn't care if he died during the night. I don't connect with other people and don't have any true friends. I'm physically and psychologically dependent on Tramadol, which is an opiate painkiller, which is perhaps contributing to this emotional coldness. I'm also struggling with anorexia which, again, may play a part in this empty feeling. Perhaps even what's happened in my past has had an effect on this monster I've become. As I've mentioned, I don't feel empathy. When I see people in pain or in danger, it doesn't bother me. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could be born again and be a decent human being. But I can't. So what do I do? I've been on antidepressants, had therapy and tried self-help. It seems to me that I'm not able to be helped. Does anyone know what I mean?

I'm so sorry for bumping an ancient thread, but I've been struggling with about the same exact feelings for a while now. Except that I'm not currently on medication and I don't suffer from anorexia. I feel like some sort of robot that can't experience anything beyond frustration and maybe mild amusement. I've been trying to get out of it by doing things I've always enjoyed, but they only provide me temporary relief. It's also a problem that I've started weirding my friends out because of my increasingly misanthropic and violent thoughts. I would go to a therapist or something, but I have neither the time nor money for therapy. Any self-help advice?

I'll also add that ironically it's my fault that I ended up like this. Recently I've been struggling with a bout of depression (I suffer from chronic mood swings) and since I'm so busy, I wanted to numb out my feelings because feeling sad was unproductive. It's certainly helpful, productivity-wise, that I'm no longer overwhelmed by sadness, but I've also lost whatever motivation I had and I can barely control my impulses anymore.

jerboa wrote:

CJC1992 wrote:Hello everyone,

For quite some time now, I've felt dead inside. I really feel like I'm an empty vessel devoid of normal feelings and emotions. I'm alive in the sense that I walk, talk, eat, drink, sleep and breathe but emotionally I feel like I don't exist. All I tend to experience is irritability and frustration. I seemingly have no empathy and am isolated from society. Nothing excites me or makes me happy and my mental state has deteriorated so rapidly over the last few weeks and months that I'm now having violent fantasies. I've never had a fight with anyone but I see people as mere objects. I've become a very cold man who, although isn't suicidal, wouldn't care if he died during the night. I don't connect with other people and don't have any true friends. I'm physically and psychologically dependent on Tramadol, which is an opiate painkiller, which is perhaps contributing to this emotional coldness. I'm also struggling with anorexia which, again, may play a part in this empty feeling. Perhaps even what's happened in my past has had an effect on this monster I've become. As I've mentioned, I don't feel empathy. When I see people in pain or in danger, it doesn't bother me. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could be born again and be a decent human being. But I can't. So what do I do? I've been on antidepressants, had therapy and tried self-help. It seems to me that I'm not able to be helped. Does anyone know what I mean?

I'm so sorry for bumping an ancient thread, but I've been struggling with about the same exact feelings for a while now. Except that I'm not currently on medication and I don't suffer from anorexia. I feel like some sort of robot that can't experience anything beyond frustration and maybe mild amusement. I've been trying to get out of it by doing things I've always enjoyed, but they only provide me temporary relief. It's also a problem that I've started weirding my friends out because of my increasingly misanthropic and violent thoughts. I would go to a therapist or something, but I have neither the time nor money for therapy. Any self-help advice?

I'll also add that ironically it's my fault that I ended up like this. Recently I've been struggling with a bout of depression (I suffer from chronic mood swings) and since I'm so busy, I wanted to numb out my feelings because feeling sad was unproductive. It's certainly helpful, productivity-wise, that I'm no longer overwhelmed by sadness, but I've also lost whatever motivation I had and I can barely control my impulses anymore.

Hi,

No need to apologise. Sorry to hear that you're experiencing the same feelings as I do. I no longer have anorexia but I am still on medication. I posted this back in December 2013 by the looks of it and a lot has changed since then. I know all too well what it's like to feel like a robot. You can turn yourself off to most of the bad stuff, which is great, but by doing that you can never experience real joy and happiness. The only emotions I experience are just like what you experience: frustration and mild amusement. The only self-help advice I can offer is to confide in people you can trust. Continue posting on forums like this - I'm sure a lot of people can identify with how you're feeling. Get out in to nature if you can. FInd an outlet for what you do feel: journalling or poetry perhaps.

I don't think you should blame yourself. It's pretty normal to want to numb yourself when you become overwhelmed with emotion. It's a normal coping mechanism. But of course, if you do go too far which is somewhat easy to do, then it's hard to make yourself feel 'normal' again. I still find it hard to muster up motivation to do anything with my life so I can relate to what you're experiencing but I try to take each day as it comes. I try not to push myself too hard. Don't blame yourself and seek what help is available to you.