Major depression, feeling hopeless

Hi, I've been suffering from depression on and off for over 20 years. I suffer from dysthymia but other times the depression gets a lot worse. Since April of this year I started to have a lot of problems with anxiety. The depression has been getting worse and worse also. At this point, it's the worst it's ever been for me. I'm having a very difficult time coping. I have other mental health issues, plus multiple other health issues. Things in my life keep getting worse and worse and as that happens I feel less able to cope. I feel totally overwhelmed. I'm not sure the rules about discussing or mentioning not wanting to live anymore. I will say that I feel in much despair and feel unable to cope anymore. I am trying a lot of avenues to get help for myself, but where I live it's very difficult to get the help you need. This past week my family doctor has terminated me as his patient. I explained that in another forum on here. There's nothing I can do to change the mind of my doctor because he told me he has made up his mind. I told him that day I didn't feel safe going home and he didn't care. He just sent me home. I just lost his support, and the support of that whole health care team. When I'm dealing with a severe depression it's difficult for me to cope with anything, and this is one of them. Please pray or send positive thoughts my way that I can get through this coming week. I'm really praying that my doctor will hear me out and change his mind. I have to be realistic though as he told me more than once that his decision has been made. I feel that this is the last straw, what's the saying- the hair that broke the camels back. I went to emergency on Friday and the ER doctor could only offer me an urgent appointment with a psychiatric clinic at the hospital. It would get me (in no more than 3 weeks) an appointment with a psychiatrist. It would only be about 3-6 appointments. They aren't guaranteed to give me an appointment though as they will ask me some questions over the phone to determine if this is the best way to help me. I have to call after 1pm tomorrow. I hope they help me, and soon. I really need it. Thank-you for listening.

Hi artistic4 and welcome

I'm so sorry you are feeling this badly, unable to cope and having problems getting help. I hope the call tomorrow afternoon gets you what you need. In the meantime, if you need to, another option you could check into is warm lines. These are pre-crisis telephone support lines. Google to see if this is available in your country. You can contact the Samaratins (http://www.samaritans.org) for help and support too. They are UK based but emailing them is an option if you are elsewhere. I hope talking here helps too so you feel understood and less alone in this. Let us know how it goes.

I'm sending *big hugs*, well-wishes and positive thoughts your way.
Jan

Dear Janjones,

Hi, thank-you for the reply to my message. I appreciate your kind words. I do feel very alone in all this. It's a horrible feeling and with Christmas coming..well I've always had a rough time at Christmas. This year I just want to sleep and wake up in the new year. I don't want the new year to come either though. I can never win! I've tried countless crisis lines, they all limit your time to about 5-10 minutes if you're considered a 'frequent caller'. I called a local crisis line last night because I was feeling suicidal. I won't go into the details. I was in rough shape. The guy spent less then 5 minutes on the phone with me, as I was crying. I told him how I was feeling and what I had planned. Told him I've been feeling overwhelmed especially with the depression. His only comment was "We have 2 minutes left, is there something else you would like to talk about?" I wish I had a long distance plan as I'd try every city to find the best one. Sometimes I feel that desperate. I almost called to police to check on me but they've already been to my place twice in the past 2 months because someone was worried about my well-being. I convinced them I'd be ok. I was lucky that the last time the officers that came were super nice. They even stayed and talked to me for 3 hours, and that was in the middle of the night. I'm sure if it was a busy night they couldn't have stayed that long. The one officer even called me a week later to check on me.

I see my doctor, I can't remember if I mentioned that he gave me a letter last week saying he's not willing to be my doctor anymore. He's giving me about 30 days from last week to find another doctor. We have a doctor shortage so I won't be finding one anytime soon. Anyhow, I really want to try and talk to him to see if he'll change his mind. I was going to wait and bring a social worker with me but that might not happen until after Christmas. I happen to have an appointment with this doctor this Thursday to get some prescription renewals. I decided to write him a letter explaining where I'm coming from and hope and pray to God that he changes his mind to keep seeing me. I'm so anxious and afraid to do this but it's hurting me so much to have it hanging over my head. I want to know where I stand before Christmas. This way, if he doesn't change his mind I can at least have some difficult days and try to calm down before Christmas comes. I'm working on the letter tonight. It's difficult to know what to say. He thinks I don't trust him, so I have to choose my words wisely and not too many words. I have to address how he feels and try not to keep the letter about how I feel. I'm not sure how to do that. I'm scared I might have to go to the hospital if he stands his ground and doesn't change his mind. I might not be safe. I'm so afraid but I think it's best to get it over with. If you pray and your friends pray please ask everyone to pray about this. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Hi artistic4,

I had no idea about the frequent caller thing but the person you spoke to sounds completely unhelpful! Good to hear that your experience with the police officers been more positive at least.

I did read your other post - I assume factitious disorder disorder is much more rare than depression and the other things you are dealing with but is it possible to find someone to help you with that? If you get help with that is might make your doc feel better about keeping you as a patient (or another doc more likely to take you on as a patient - as Crackedgirl mentioned)

I know there is a doctor shortage but perhaps, if he doesn't want to be your doctor anymore, can he refer you to, or recommend, someone else?

*hugs*
Jan

I cannot wait for the holidays to be over so the depression is not triggered with every commercial and street corner. It makes it so much harder for people that are alone. I sympathize and join you in the pain. I hope the new year brings new life and love into every breath you take