Dealing with Depression

I have posted on other mental health forums, but this is my first here...
I am 19 years old, male, going to be turning 20 soon. I am currently in therapy and at this point I am doubtful it will change much. I am severely depressed... I believe the winter exacerbates it. I feel quite hopeless, like there's really no point to living anymore. I am incredibly self-conscious and suffer from BDD/OCD related issues, my appearance is a constant struggle for me and is a source of anxiety and depression. It also contributes to intense feelings of worthlessness. I also cannot really feel love towards anybody, not family, not anyone. I feel quite isolated from other people, even when I'm around others. There's just nothing there, no spark, I don't want to engage with anybody on any level. I also feel because of particular issues I have with my appearance, I will never be the person I want to be... and I will be alone forever. And I don't just mean partner-wise. I have no friends either. But it's not like I really want friends at this point. It's too much effort. I am trying to do things to stay involved, but everything just feels so dark, oppressive, and hopeless. Like there's no real point anymore. I don't even know why I carry on, the only reason is a faint glimmer my life will turn out alright in some vague future. What is odd is that my mother is a very loving and caring person, but I feel nothing from her. I feel worse in fact when I'm around her. My perspective on the world is quite dark and depressing sometimes, even though to people I talk to online, they think I am rather positive. Working hard in school, only to end up working like a dog at some job from 9-5 everyday, if not longer... I know for millions upon millions, this is life, but for me, I'd rather kill myself. Nothing about life really appeals to me, and I feel like I'm hitting a dead-end at this point. I suppose my biggest problem, underneath it all is probably loneliness, even though it doesn't make itself very apparent to me. It's the kind of loneliness that lets you know you are supposed to be alone, and that love of any kind was never meant for you. Okay, well I'm glad I got all of that out. I needed some place I could explain how I'm feeling. I guess if anyone could relate, that might ease my mind a little. Also, the whole "do things you enjoy," business, I don't enjoy much at all. I haven't genuinely shared a laugh with somebody in years. I do make music, but making music is quite a laborious task for me. I still do it because I love music.

Well, that is all.

What is odd is that my mother is a very loving and caring person, but I feel nothing from her. I feel worse in fact when I'm around her.

Its odd you feel worse around her. Does she encourage you to have friends, to be confident, independent, is she controlling, does she have many friends?
How Is mother loving and caring, examples?

She does encourage me to reconnect with old friends from time to time. She also encourages me to be confident, and she tells me I have nothing to worry about. She also tells me consistently how amazing I am, I just don't see it. I don't see any of it, not one iota. My mother doesn't have any friends she sees on a regular basis. She cares 100% about family, all of her faith and love is for her children, myself included. She also works full time. In short, she's amazing. But I am not amazing. I am not who I want to be. Not even close. So, nothing will really change until I change.

Your situation really hits home. You may want to talk to a psychologist about these things you've been feeling. Go into detail about the detachment you feel from others and see what advice they have to offer. It sounds like you have a severe case of depression but you'll be able to get through it with the support. You may feel worse around your mother because you feel you're not worthy of her kindness but everyone deserves kindness no matter who they are. You sound like you really do want to feel better so I think you will.

I have posted on other mental health forums, but this is my first here...
I am 19 years old, male, going to be turning 20 soon. I am currently in therapy and at this point I am doubtful it will change much.
If therapy is not helping maybe you need anti depressants. Therapy does not help everyone.

I'm around your age and can totally relate to you. I have been feeling depressed on and off for years and actually thought I beat it, but it came back a few months ago, stronger than ever. I'm very isolated aswell and have been for years and was fine with it. It has gotten worse and worse to the point where I am totally dependant (my mother is basically doing everything for me, just so I don't have to get outside and talk to people) and avoidant. I have a small group of friends, but I wouldn't call them close, they have no idea about the way I feel as does nobody in my family or around me. Right now my grades are dropping and I'm skipping school frequently, as it's just impossible for me to get through a school day (I used to be a decent student, but back in secondary school and primary school I was as bad as I am right now). I don't enjoy any activities anymore, the only things I do enjoy are eating, watching TV, listening to music, and yes, drugs. I am also really interested in activities that involve high risks, as I don't give two sh*** about life anymore. Suicidal thoughts are in my head at all times and become even stronger when I'm not skipping school, but there are still things holding me back from being determined to do it. I used to think about the future all day long and was, while I was afraid, looking forward to it. That has changed completely to the point where I don't give a single damn about what will happen tomorrow. I am not in therapy, but should probably go, as I've had suspicions of being bipolar for years. I want to consult a psychiatrist for this and a few other issues, but can't get myself to call one, for the following reasons: a) my mother would have to drive me (I am afraid of driving, I can only drive to places that I am familiar with), but I can't tell her how I feel, b) I am afraid that I would be judged and dismissed, c) I don't even really feel the urge to feel better, I just want to leave this place.
That is not all, but I don't want to make this thread about me and my self-pity, but I just wanted you to know, that I'm with you in this.

xfa
That is not all, but I don't want to make this thread about me and my self-pity, but I just wanted you to know, that I'm with you in this.

I don't think you are self pitying, you are just telling it as it is.
Maybe you are bi-polar, you need to get diagnosed A.S.A.P.
With the right help and maybe meds if the doctor thinks they are needed you could feel so much better.
You must make an appointment you need professional help.

Yorkshirelass wrote:Maybe you are bi-polar, you need to get diagnosed A.S.A.P.
With the right help and maybe meds if the doctor thinks they are needed you could feel so much better.
You must make an appointment you need professional help.

I might just do that, I used to be in therapy for something else, I should make an appointment.

No_Signs_Left, how well do you sleep? Do you have anger issues? Has your mood influenced your appetite? Do you talk to your mother about these issues or do you, like I, keep it to yourself (where you only talk to your psychiatrist about these issues)? And if you told her personal things, did you feel guilty and were you regretful of it, maybe even to the point where you punished yourself for it? How does your daily routine look like? I would be interested in that. It's good that you atleast have a passion for music, I can also say that for myself, it's one of those things that keeps me going.

First, thank you to everyone who replied. Xfa, I usually get 7-8 hours of sleep. My schedule is pretty open in the morning, so sometimes I stay up until 3 or 4. I don't have anger issues, my dad does, but I've never been an angry person. With me, it has more to do with anxiety/obsessional thoughts. My mood has definitely influenced my appetite. There was a time awhile back I was feeling pretty rough, I ate next to nothing for days. Word of advice, don't do that. I've opened up to both parents, more my mother. I've never felt guilty for telling them with the exception of a couple occasions. I think the way I've talked a few times has hurt my mother. As for my my daily routine, it fluctuates quite a bit. My school schedule is all over the place, some classes in the morning, some midday and some at night. I don't really stick to routines that much, although I try to when I can.

Xfa, prolonged isolation will just make everything worse if you wish to have interaction with others. I really recommend therapy, it can truly help put things in perspective and make you grow as a person. But its all about what you put into it. I would also keep your small group of friends close for now if you value their friendship, maybe try connecting with them a bit more. Another thing... don't fear judgment. That will get you caught in one big trap. If you open up you'll be able to work through whatever it is you're going through, slowly but surely. It won't be easy. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm with you too If you ever want to message me, feel free too.

No_Signs_Left wrote:With me, it has more to do with anxiety/obsessional thoughts.

About what exactly? Tell me more about it, me curious.

No_Signs_Left wrote:I've never felt guilty for telling them with the exception of a couple occasions

That's a good sign, I have to tell you that in my case this is impossible. Even if it gets a little personal (I usually avoid that route completely), I feel absolutely terrible about it, I don't know why. I know they don't judge me, I have good parents..Weird..

No_Signs_Left wrote:prolonged isolation will just make everything worse if you wish to have interaction with others

I agree, but it's been like this for years, I consider myself an avoidant personality, it's another issue I should talk to a psychiatrist about. It's good though that you don't isolate yourself and open up to others, you're ahead of me in that regard. ^^
How is it going for you schoolwise? And what do you think would be better, a psychiatrist or psychologist ? I'm not sure if I need medication (if I really am bipolar, I might. also for the complete lack of energy) or if psychotherapy is enough, what experiences did you make?