When depression consumes your mind...

I always hear about people having a bad day or bad things driving them to become suicidal, but personally i just get to the point where im disfunctional and start randomly crying. I just started rationalizing suicide and breaking down all the reasons why its ok, going through the reasons i used to use to keep me from doing it. I just feel super content and good when i think of suicide, like its my destiny. For the past two weeks every single day ive at some point gotten to the point where im thinking about it seriously, not like a once in a while bad day thing, but an everyday consistent battle.

Its gotten to the point where i cant see "logic" anymore, im thinking differently in a way that i think is logical, where suicide is ok. I dont know whether or not my new logic is right, really i feel like its becoming an eventual inevitability. When im in class or walking around i always have to bat down these thoughts lest i breakdown crying, or just because its awkward to think about such things around people. I always hear of people who act normal then suddenly commit suicide, and im a strong person who has always hid my depression, but now i cant hide it. Not from friends or classmates, i almost break down crying in class or have a panic attack.

Just want to know if anyone else goes through this, and how you get over it. I dont want to seek help because i want to kill myself, i never understood that idea. The thing that really keeps me from doing it i guess is the natural barrier between wanting it and going for it, like liking a pretty girl and really wanting to have her, yet lacking the drive to go for her. Ive always been a person who is content with not having what i want and living in despair when i can help myself.

People always say that life is worth living because of the experiences it has to offer, but really i dont see how that matters or means anything. I dont care if i see a beautiful waterfall in person instead of only seeing it online, whether or not i see it doesnt change the fact that it exists. When i see it i dont experience the marvel of it because while it looks amazing, its just what it is, i dont gain satisfaction seeing it. It might be the depression but when i see beautiful sights these days i dont feel anything, i honestly dont care. I dont care if i never feel love or sex, idk i just think that feeling it doesnt change anything because its always there. Emotions dont mean anything, something might feel great but it just doesnt mean anything to me, when i feel amazing on the surface i love it but in the grand scheme of things its nothing. I cant even feel for the pain of my family if i were to die, because it just doesnt feel real, it comes and goes and back and forth, like the wind and the seasons. I dont feel sadness anymore, i just feel emptyness, the emptiness of neutrality that fills the universe. The stars look beautiful, but they dont want to or care if they do, we ascribe meaning to it but it really doesnt mean anything. I remember times of happiness but i feel no desire to return to them, because in the depths of my heart ill always know theres no such thing as happiness or sadness

I think you should rule in a good therapist! I think you qualify for this. You are asking for answers at this point! and a therapist could give you those answers or help you understand how to find those answers one on one.

I attend allot of 12 step groups that I not be alone with my thoughts when I go crazy. I have found being around people in a group setting really helps..

OMNICELL wrote:I think you should rule in a good therapist! I think you qualify for this. You are asking for answers at this point! and a therapist could give you those answers or help you understand how to find those answers one on one.

I attend allot of 12 step groups that I not be alone with my thoughts when I go crazy. I have found being around people in a group setting really helps..

i have 2 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists, a dad who has gone through what i do and offers all the advice he can, and did i mention all these doctors work together and one of them works at my school health center and they all pitch in so i basically have like 7-8 therapists. they can only do so much to help......plus ive taken tons of medications and i have a low tolerance threshold so with some even the minimal dose gives me intense side effects. im getting worse rapidly starting to have delusions and strong hallucinations and since the medications all take months to work if they even will i dont know what to do. I think deep down my issue is a lack of emotional connection and relationships with girls, the only thing that evokes powerful emotions is a pretty smile, but since im so low energy my attitude puts off all girls, this has been happening for 5 years now. luckly ive never been abused and ive been financially stable all my life, but i still think i have it pretty rough. worst part is im 18, my dad caught it when he was middle aged, i cant see my life trajectory going up anytime soon......