I'm At The End Of My Rope.

I am not nor was I ever diagnosed with Clinical Depression, I just think this fits best here.

Right now I'm just surviving through each day only to do it again tomorrow. And it's really taking its toll on me. I posted on the social phobia forum awhile back about trying to get a job with all the complications that come with social phobia. I ended up getting hired at Taco John's. It really isn't that bad, once I get there for my shift. I can kind of turn off my brain and focus on the menial tasks like washing tables, prepping, building burritos, or frying potato ole's. It's the night before and the hours leading up to it that I hate. I'm always filled with dread, wishing I could just quit. I don't know why, because like I said, it's fine once I get there. I feel like if I were to quit now, I would end up just quitting whenever things get rough.

Every night (whether I'm scheduled to work the next day or not) I'm filled with dread. I don't see a point to all this and I get very sad about nothing in particular. I'm usually lying in bed, unable to sleep and panicking about how I'm supposed to make it through another day. I don't ever want to leave my house. But at the same time I wish I could just be like everybody else. I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it because I'm ashamed of it. I want to be this strong, independent person but I'm not. I don't want to go to my boyfriend for help because he already thinks I'm needy as it is.

I've been looking for a higher power of some sort to put my faith in that things will get better. For now, all I have to keep me going is the knowledge that if all goes south I can always take matters into my own hands and kill myself. It helps to not feel so trapped.

So, all I'm asking for is help. If anybody has been through this, if anybody has anything to say that could possibly save me. I'm at the end of my rope.

I don't expect anyone to read this, so if anyone does, thank you so much.

Do you think if you keep going that the phobia/anxiety will start to disappear?

Honestly, no. It's only gotten worse this far and I haven't even started getting trained in to use the cash register or work the drive-thru. So of course, any rational person would consider getting a different job or quitting. I was thinking of working online somehow, since that would be literally no stress. But I'm seventeen so I would assume that limits my options quite detrimentally.

If I knew you really well, do you think I would like you - or are you like totally evil?

(Keep in mind that I like lots of people who aren't perfect.)

Not sure thats an appropriate question - what does it have to do with the post?
Also, perhaps you cut your hours down to reduce the pressure, also remember to be kind to yourself. Ok?

Nattykr wrote:Not sure thats an appropriate question - what does it have to do with the post?

It's a trick question designed to create and endless loop that goes like this:

"I'm really nice. You'd probably like me. No, wait - I'm totally evil - you'll probably hate me.
No, wait - I'm really nice..."