This is my first post, I'm sorry if it ends up being a little disorganised... I need to talk and to people who have a better chance of understanding me....
I've suffered with my moods for years, ever since I was in my early teens. For a long time I tried to self manage but by the time I hit my twenties I couldn't cope on my own any more and ended up being put on very mild medication. (I hate talking about my feelings to a doctor, and the idea of going back and asking for an upped dose or a different medication makes me very uncomfortable.I always feel like people who listen to me talk about my feelings think I'm dramatising, or are thinking 'just get a grip'.)
To narrow down the broader picture I'm shy, clumsy, a middle child, body dismorphic,and I suffer from anxiety badly, I'll have panic attacks when I'm trying to go to sleep for example, literally nothing ill set one off, my brain just never shuts down and seems to be permanently on the negative. I struggle with sleeping and feel worthless and stupid. Besides which There have been a lot of family and friend tragedies i the last ten years which have left me with even more emotional damage... in short I feel like a total waste of space F*** up.
Then early this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and rushed through treatment. I was sat risk of a hysterectomy at 26, and was constantly being told nothing could be guaranteed. In the end I was lucky with it all, it had been caught early and was stage 1b and easily removed, though I did lose my cervix so now can never give birth naturally... and I have been told that the HPV which causes it will never leave my system and they cannot garuntee it will not return... next time I will lose my womb.
Having also not developed properly in my teens (I only grew one breast and had to have an augmentation at 18 to correct the asymmetry) I feel like I'm much less of a true female than your average woman... like I don;t measure up and something about the female aspect of me isn't right... I'm not a true woman anymore, if I ever was... I identify as female, I just feel substandard... why is my feminine body so determined to be faulty?
The cancer, although removed has left my life in tatters... I quit my job after my boss accused me of fabricating the illness and am now out of work and even though I'm only in early stages of remission (the tumour was removed three months ago) thing are very hard. Im selling my stuff to try and earn money, but its not enough... my boyfriend is working every hour under the sun and is obviously starting to resent me for the financial burden... he constantly talks about how skint we are and how bad money is... to top matters off our dog started fitting this year and he's had to have thousands of pounds worth of treatments, tests and medications... and now every time he's running low on meds I get screamed at because I wasn't keeping track well enough and I should have pre warned my boyfriend he was going to have to pay out again. He talks to me like I planned this to inconvenience him and its wearing me down emotionally...
My boyfriend has been there for me through my sickness, don't get me wrong, hes been great... but now that the tumour is out its like he thinks I should be back to normal straight away... he's even told me ill have to go back to work to help money... but I'm at high risk of return in the next 18 months and I'm not mentally ready to go back to work yet (high risk because my tumour grew much, much faster than is usual... in a month it had gone from a slightly abnormal smear to stage 1b which apparently is something that normally takes years...) He doesn't seem to understand the emotional hit of having something like this so young (I'm only 26) ... how devastating it was for me and how much its affecting my life and my moods.
I feel like I need to have children asap or I might lose my womb and never be able to, and I feel like I've lost a lot of myself to the illness... I put on a tonne of weight thanks to being so immobile, I lost a lot of my piercings (I was a piercer so this was a big deal for me). I can no longer shave below the waist with a straight razor or cross my legs thanks to lymph node removal... little things that made me feel human and myself have been taken away from me forever...
All the arguments and the money things are really driving my moods down and down... I have literally nothing and he told me today he has no money for christmas presents for anyone or for something I wanted to craft to put in my online shop to try and earn some money... but he has enough money to buy himself a rugby shirt to wear to a rugby game his parents are taking us to on saturday... and to pay for drinks on saturday night... but mention medication which the dog needs to prevent violent seizures and he goes through the roof...
I've even had to move out and back with my parent so that he doesn't have to pay to feed me any more... but he'll never ask his own parent for help when he needs it... he'd rather scream and shout at me about how we're poor... I didn't plan to be ill and I feel like he's blaming me...
As a consequence of all of this I'm finding my moods really difficult to cope with at the moment... Im rapidly sinking from feeling teary all the time into feeling numbed to everything, and I hate feeling that way, I need to work out how to feel happy again... or maybe talk about my medication dose with my doctor... I wish I could go back to therapy but we just can't afford it...