Post cancer depression

This is my first post, I'm sorry if it ends up being a little disorganised... I need to talk and to people who have a better chance of understanding me....

I've suffered with my moods for years, ever since I was in my early teens. For a long time I tried to self manage but by the time I hit my twenties I couldn't cope on my own any more and ended up being put on very mild medication. (I hate talking about my feelings to a doctor, and the idea of going back and asking for an upped dose or a different medication makes me very uncomfortable.I always feel like people who listen to me talk about my feelings think I'm dramatising, or are thinking 'just get a grip'.)

To narrow down the broader picture I'm shy, clumsy, a middle child, body dismorphic,and I suffer from anxiety badly, I'll have panic attacks when I'm trying to go to sleep for example, literally nothing ill set one off, my brain just never shuts down and seems to be permanently on the negative. I struggle with sleeping and feel worthless and stupid. Besides which There have been a lot of family and friend tragedies i the last ten years which have left me with even more emotional damage... in short I feel like a total waste of space F*** up.

Then early this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and rushed through treatment. I was sat risk of a hysterectomy at 26, and was constantly being told nothing could be guaranteed. In the end I was lucky with it all, it had been caught early and was stage 1b and easily removed, though I did lose my cervix so now can never give birth naturally... and I have been told that the HPV which causes it will never leave my system and they cannot garuntee it will not return... next time I will lose my womb.

Having also not developed properly in my teens (I only grew one breast and had to have an augmentation at 18 to correct the asymmetry) I feel like I'm much less of a true female than your average woman... like I don;t measure up and something about the female aspect of me isn't right... I'm not a true woman anymore, if I ever was... I identify as female, I just feel substandard... why is my feminine body so determined to be faulty?

The cancer, although removed has left my life in tatters... I quit my job after my boss accused me of fabricating the illness and am now out of work and even though I'm only in early stages of remission (the tumour was removed three months ago) thing are very hard. Im selling my stuff to try and earn money, but its not enough... my boyfriend is working every hour under the sun and is obviously starting to resent me for the financial burden... he constantly talks about how skint we are and how bad money is... to top matters off our dog started fitting this year and he's had to have thousands of pounds worth of treatments, tests and medications... and now every time he's running low on meds I get screamed at because I wasn't keeping track well enough and I should have pre warned my boyfriend he was going to have to pay out again. He talks to me like I planned this to inconvenience him and its wearing me down emotionally...

My boyfriend has been there for me through my sickness, don't get me wrong, hes been great... but now that the tumour is out its like he thinks I should be back to normal straight away... he's even told me ill have to go back to work to help money... but I'm at high risk of return in the next 18 months and I'm not mentally ready to go back to work yet (high risk because my tumour grew much, much faster than is usual... in a month it had gone from a slightly abnormal smear to stage 1b which apparently is something that normally takes years...) He doesn't seem to understand the emotional hit of having something like this so young (I'm only 26) ... how devastating it was for me and how much its affecting my life and my moods.

I feel like I need to have children asap or I might lose my womb and never be able to, and I feel like I've lost a lot of myself to the illness... I put on a tonne of weight thanks to being so immobile, I lost a lot of my piercings (I was a piercer so this was a big deal for me). I can no longer shave below the waist with a straight razor or cross my legs thanks to lymph node removal... little things that made me feel human and myself have been taken away from me forever...

All the arguments and the money things are really driving my moods down and down... I have literally nothing and he told me today he has no money for christmas presents for anyone or for something I wanted to craft to put in my online shop to try and earn some money... but he has enough money to buy himself a rugby shirt to wear to a rugby game his parents are taking us to on saturday... and to pay for drinks on saturday night... but mention medication which the dog needs to prevent violent seizures and he goes through the roof...

I've even had to move out and back with my parent so that he doesn't have to pay to feed me any more... but he'll never ask his own parent for help when he needs it... he'd rather scream and shout at me about how we're poor... I didn't plan to be ill and I feel like he's blaming me...

As a consequence of all of this I'm finding my moods really difficult to cope with at the moment... Im rapidly sinking from feeling teary all the time into feeling numbed to everything, and I hate feeling that way, I need to work out how to feel happy again... or maybe talk about my medication dose with my doctor... I wish I could go back to therapy but we just can't afford it...

Hi stripes and welcome to the forum,

It sounds like you have been through so much in these last few months and i'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis i can only imagine how scary that is in someone as young as yourself.

Are you still seeing your consultant at the hospital for follow up and survailence related to your cancer as they would be able to ammend your dosage of anti-depressants as they often have a much better idea of the emotions involved in a cancer diagnosis. It sounds like you need someone to talk all of this through with someone irl there are many support agencies that might be able to offer some support and advice.

Also are there any benefits you are able to apply for to help you financially?

Here to listen and help in any way i can

Thank you for the welcome Restored, today has been a particular low for me and I really needed to get some of this off my chest. Its so good to know there are people out there who are listening. Honestly it was such a shock at first I was kind of numb to it, its only as time wears on that it is really sinking in that it did indeed happen to me and I wasn't just the spectator my shocked mind led me to believe I was at the time. Its a very strange situation to find yourself in, and I know I'm very lucky that it was able to be removed with so little after effect.

I'm still in contact with my key worker if I need to be, I am still being seen by them the surgical team fairly often, with my next appointment being in early february. I haven't spoken to them about my depression at all as of yet, I imagine its fairly normal for people to feel low after this kind of thing and I feel like they'll just tell me I'll feel better as time goes on. Im working up the courage to talk to my GP again, but then on the other hand I feel worried that if I do get my meds changed I'll then (hopefully) be pregnant within the next few months (we can start trying if my next MRI results are normal and I feel like we HAVE to in case it comes back) and I don't want to suddenly have to stop taking a higher dose having only been on them a couple of months.

I would very much like to go back to therapy as I thought it really helped me...

I've spoken to a charity about benefits we could receive but as I went unemployed out of 'choice' it makes it more difficult. We are eligible for a grant but I would need an interview with a nurse to prove that we need it and that our lack of cash flow is indeed caused by the cancer, and as I've been feeling so low I just haven't been able to face being grilled

Thank you so much for lending a listening ear, it really does mean a lot

You are welcome hun, feel free to talk here as much or as little as you like.

I think it might be worth contacting your key worker she will be able to help and support you she is there for you during and post treatment. They are there to be contacted and will be able to support. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself to get pregnant, i can imagine there is alot of fear about your cancer returning but try and know that you are being seen regularly and they will be keeping a close eye on you and will act quickly if needed.

Could you access any therapy through your gp or the mental health services if this is something that helped in the past or through a cancer charity maybe?

I can understand not wanting to be grilled but know that they will be able to help, could your boyfriend or a friend maybe go with you for support?

Here for you if you want to talk.

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry its taken so long to reply back, I've been feeling very low and struggling to function lately.

My GP and my surgeons at the hospital have both offered therapy but at the time I was so determined to be fine off my own back that I turned them both down, I'm now realising that was a mistake. In think I'll talk to my GP about it again and see what happens as the hospital is quite a way from me to travel to more regularly. (Assuming that they'd want me to go there to talk to someone.)

I think my boyfriend would go with me, but I don't know if he'd be happy to sit outside for so long as he does get bored very easily, and I'd worry that if he came in with me he would try and help me convey what I'm feeling and that would confuse my thought patterns. Again 'm not sure how much sense that makes, I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words at the best of times.

Lately I've found myself shying away from intimacy as I worry about pain and recurrence, and I feel very worried that he'll be at risk from interacting with me in that way... I really shouldn't have read about Michael Douglas... I know its daft me avoiding being close as the HPV is already in my system and I cant change that, I wish I could be more rational about it.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment and feeling so low.

Going back to your GP sounds like a great plan and i really hope you are able to put across your thoughts and feelings and that they are able to offer you the help and support that you need.

It is understandable that you might shy away from intimacy given all that you have been through and being worried about pain etc. Please just take things slowly and only do what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like your boyfriend is supportive of you and would want to be there for you just allow him to be if you can.

PM me anytime take care x