Depression, I need help.

Hello everyone,

I will go by 'M' on here. I have been suffering with depression heavily the past year, maybe my whole life. I guess I am writing here both to vent out some of my feelings, and to look for help from anyone who has/is in the same situation.


First just a little background:

After a few visits with a therapist maybe a couple months ago, we determined that I have depression(I have had relatives with it, so it's most likely all chemical - I say this because I don't think that anything in my past really started this -)
So I took a few weeks to myself to see if I could beat this on my own, and realized that I need medication to help me.

I then started taking Prozac, and worked my way up to 60mg a day, realized that it wasn't doing enough/wasn't working fast enough so now decided to go to a psychiatrist to hopefully find a better suited medication.

So this past week or so, i have been waiting for my meeting.
I started to drink to hide my pain. The nights seem the worst. I realized that drinking wasn't a productive way to do that, so I stopped. But the pain was still there every night I wasn't drunk. I cut myself some, and moved on to punching my desk until my hand swells up.
So this past weekend, I bought some 'herbs' (I don't know how strict this site is on these things, so I will be using this term for now) and have been smoking them to kind of hide from the pain this week while i wait for the meeting.

I literally have no motivation to do anything at all. I feel like as if I am living two realities. In the one I usually try to be in, I don't care about anything. If something comes up that I need to do, I just shrug it off. I do this because in my other reality (the real one), if I think about almost anything at all, my mind somehow connects it to depression. I then think about all the things I should be doing, and my mind just snowballs and I feel worse and worse.
I also don't like going out with family or friends. I feel that I might have some social anxiety as well. Going out to dinner with my family sometimes turns into a nightmare. Usually by halfway through the meal, I want to go home. Sometimes I just ask my parents to drive home(sometimes we take 2 cars). Or I just wait in the car.


In the end, I know that I am going to beat this, but responsibility is creeping up on me, and I don't know if I'll be ready in time for it. I took a semester off college this semester, and next semester is coming up fast. If I take off this next semester, I will have to reapply to school, and I am afraid I will not make it back in.
I don't have time to wait another 2 months for medicine to kick in(if we even find the right medicine on the first try).

Does anyone have any hints that can get me through these next few months? I am going to stop smoking and drinking, because I don't want to use those things to feel better.

Many thanks,

M

welp..