(TRIGGER) Strange Depressed Feelings

I'm going to try and keep this brief.I have posted already in a different area of the forum about details of my life so i won't do that again. I will just keep it focused on the present.

I have noticed there are periods where i feel almost calm, an empty calm but they are interspersed with periods of deep depression. I don't know if i can explain properly how i feel when i'm depressed but i will try my best.

I can feel it in my head. It feels like all this sadness is collecting in there, i feel this tired feeling like i wish i could just sleep forever. I often reminisce about mistakes i have made, opportunities i messed up or people i upset. I think about how i would want to die. I find myself doing it a lot. Thinking over what i would do if i got forced to kill myself. Things like "what will i write in the note?" , "How can i prepare before doing it, to make sure my death has the last amount of impact on people's lives?" and other things.

If i am in this mood and i am near knives, on a high bridge or somewhere i could potentially kill myself. I get a feeling.It's like something else in my head willing me to use it/do it/jump. It makes my whole body feel really uncomfortable like vibrations are travelling through me. I always manage to resist it but sometimes it is really intense and leaves me feeling irritable for a while.

Is this bog standard suicidal tendencies or something more?

I wrongly used the word "sadness" but it is probably the closest thing to it. It is almost like being sick of the feeling of being alive.Like an uncomfortable ache in my mind, like i am very tired and had enough.

I'm sorry but I won't be able to help since I feel the same but instead of in my head I feel the ache in my heart. It phisically hurts. I want to die so bad but I don't want my parents to have to deal with getting rid of my body. I tried killing myself with knives, drowning and pills but for some reason I chicken out every time. I get the urge to drive in front of speeding trucks and stopping dead so they would hit me a LOT but I am so $#%^ scared of ending up a vegetable instead of dead... I think that is the only reason I have not killed myself.

I hope you feel better soon- but I hope that knowing you are not alone helps a bit.

Good luck and stay strong!

Hi Thexena. I can appreciate how you feel so much. I reckon the thing that has stopped me from attempting suicide is that i'm pretty tenacious. I don't know where the tenacity comes from, maybe somewhere deep in my unconscious but i think it might be that i don't want to let life win. I've often thought about things and realized how easy it would be to paralyze or injure myself in a non lethal way.

I don't know if chickening out is really a bad thing though. I don't know what circumstances have led you to feel this way.Maybe a lot of bad stuff have happened to you because of other people. I genuinely have no legitimate way to reverse out of the guilt i feel because i can no longer express apologies to the person. If other people have brought you down, you certainly have a chance to turn things around.If you caused other people upset or suffering and can't change it, that's a whole different story...

Please take care. Feel free to message me anytime. I don't think i will ever kill myself but i can't be sure if i will be able to stop myself the next time or the time after that.Maybe my tenacity will run out.

Sorry for only answering now but I've been a bit busy. I hope you are doing OK. My pain is mostly out of self-hate and other people rejecting me but I hope I never have to bear responsibility for other people's pain.

Good luck and stay strong!