I can't get up in the morning

Wonder if anyone else has suffered similar depression as me.....or can offer some insight into this horrible pattern of behaviour that I have.
I have suffered from depression for a while. I was depressed since 2008 but In 2011/12 I began to loose the motivation to get up and go to work. I then lost my job. I spiralled into a down, suicidal thought pattern and isolated myself for a while. I tried to kill myself by throwing myself off a bridge twice. I have had therapy throughout, stopping and starting. I have generally been following a pattern where I have a job, make the effort go in and do well then when everything is fine and progressing normally then I start to feel down. I wake up in the morning, sleep in make myself late and then convince myself that I shouldn't go to work. I have a short contract job right now and after 3 weeks I have made up a lie/exaggeration (I do have a bad ankle) and said that I have injured my ankle. This has given me a few days off. It is now Friday and I really need to pull myself together for Monday, I'll have to continue this lie to maintain my reputation. I am sick and tired of this lack of motivation. I am full of good ideas but i can't progress with them because this always starts to happen. Its like my subconscious just won't let me succeed. Its beginning to affect my career and my life. I have a few people around who understand, my dad knows that every so often I get in a mood and say I have arranged to see him I won't go or ill be really late because I just can't muster the energy to get out the house. I used to have this internal battle before and it is somewhat normal, the positive side used to put more pressure and then I'd snap out of it but these days the positive side just falls on deaf ears. When I get like this I just sleep all day and do nothing. Or read random articles on the internet. When I was isolated before I became obsessed with issues such as the new world order and illuminati, conspiracies etc..I honestly see a lot of truth in most of these theories and have a persistent thought that we as humans are blindly living under the influences of what is bad for us. This honestly makes me depressed and I do think, whats the point? I do think that most things that people think matter, do not matter in reality and that I just don't want to participate in society. Perhaps in the future i'll find like minded people and join a commune or similar. Because the state of modern living (in the UK), just frustrates me. I am not so arrogant as to expect perfection, but I do feel like Ive woken up and realised that the systems I participate in just have little or no meaning. This is why I find the game of participating in society a waste of time. I know others have a sense of this to but they are able to ignore that nagging feeling and just get on with things, I have seemingly lost the ability to just get on with things.
In a way I wish I was ignorant of this information because then Id be busy working hard in my career, enjoying modern life. My subconscious just doesn't let me become content or happy or consistent.
In case anyone suggests, Yes I've tried antidepressants before, for 6 months. No I am not going to take them again. I would like to find other solutions then drugs.
Thanks

Hello,

disclaimer: English isn´t my native language. If something I wrote is unreadable, please point it out and I will give it a second try.

I´m depressed about warmongering countries and greed on a religious level, to name just two things. People next to me seem very content reading fashion magazines and drinking latte.
To get just a glimpse of that makes me depressed and some days suicidal. I consider getting inactive an act of self-preservation.
Turning inert seems like a natural thing to do. Also I have quite some people in mind whose change to inactiveness, I think, would be greatly beneficial to our world.

My advice would be: find your commune. If taking antidepressants to play-act in a mindless society isn’t an option, maybe taking them to find your niche is.

You are saying that I should take anti depressants to help find my niche?

Yes.
If you´re active enough to find your commune without meds, even better.

I do not want to take anti depressants

-- Mon Nov 11, 2013 11:47 am --

Anyone else out there?