Ungrateful

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. It's gotten me wondering if this is not depression at all, but just me. My personality, my character and everything of me summed up as a morbid nothingness people label as "depression", a mental illness that shouldn't define me in any way. How wrong they are. Even if they are able to take away all of my thoughts with medication and therapy (they don't help AT ALL btw), I can't be happy. I can't be happy because I don't know what happiness is. To me, it's just a meaningless flooding of feel-good chemicals in the brain which will then switch back to the default mode, emptiness.

I have a few friends but I guess it's just the kind of convenient friendship; you eat lunch with each other because you are from the same class and you laugh and joke about inconsequential things. It's like a parallel relationship. When they see someone they are friends with, they leave you and you're expected to shrug it off because they should mean nothing to you. Even if the lines intersect, friends will eventually separate. I don't believe in love or friendship. I've been hurt too many times.

But I met an online friend who seems to... genuinely care for me? She listens to my rantings, she makes me smile, she's the only one who makes me feel needed. I don't know what she sees in me but she tries, she really tries. Walls of text and photos can't change much, but it is comforting knowing that I actually mean something to someone for who I am, and not for what I am; I am me in her eyes, not a son, not a responsibility. Like me, she's depressed and I try to help her too. She's a very special person.

Despite all this, the logical side tells me that nothing is ever going to work out for me. I'm suicidal as hell, and the thoughts never go away. I've kind of planned out everything and it's the date I'm undecided on. I know it'll hurt her if I died and she knew, but she won't know if I don't say anything, right? She'll get over it, I think. I'm a selfish bastard but I can't do this anymore. She deserves a better friend than me and I'm a soulless creature. Anyway, she has her own friends in real life. What do I mean to anyone. I feel stupid for being so hung up on this but I don't want to hurt her.

I also feel the same - like nothing I do matters to anyone anyway and at the end of the day - what's the point? But I still want to prove everyone wrong and continue living just to prove they are not the rulers of my life.

I know it is an empty suggestion but it helps me when I get very low but therapy is always a good idea. I tried 5 psychologists and eventually the only person who could really help me was a church counselor. I was not even a very religious person but she makes me feel a bit of hope even though I fight against it constantly. Maybe my purpose is to fight with her?...

Good Luck and stay strong! I hope you get help...