So depressed, angry, hopeless I can't parent my young boys

I don't really know where to start. I've had chronic back pain for years and suffered from depression my whole 45yr old life. The problem is now I have a 4.5 yr old boy and two 2.5 yr old boys. I'm finding it impossible to cope with all the stress and anger inducing behaviors that are going on lately. I don't really know how to explain anything except that I am trying so hard to figure out how to be a good father. Group therapy, individual therapy, child development psychologiest sessions, couples therapy, anger management group, DBT Skills Group. Not to mention multiple rounds of SSRI/NNRI/AD meds.

I've reached a point right now where I am so down, and so frustrated with just trying to deal with my children on a daily basis that i's become completely overwhelming and frustrating. It's a constant battle to accomplish one singe task such as getting dressed or going to the bathroom without a huge amount of resistance and sometimes major tantrums. The problem for me is I can sometime handle things smoothly and get things done but many times i end up so discouraged that I either give up and have to walk away because i'm getting so angry or I do get angry and yell and or grab the boys by the arms and march them to bathroom. This of course is NOT what I want to be doing. The to top it off. I feel like such a failure as a parent I get MORE depressed and MORE hopeless and LESS able to be affective.

It has become more and more prevalent in my mind with thoughts of death and suicide. I don't plan any action but dark thoughts about dying come up a lot and I often just feel like I can't go on living like this. This is ruing my life and robbing me of time that I could be enjoying with my 3 beautiful sons.

Do your parents help? Or do you have a nanny or someone else available?

Wow. You really are trying to do everything yourself, aren't you? I am not familiar with your situation regarding your partner or living environment but I think you are doing very well under the circumstances. There is a very good reason why they call it "the terrible 2's". It is during this time that your two youngest are forming solid personality traits and learning to express them. I think your oldest is probably just a bit naughty because he is feeling left out. Maybe you need to just sit down with your older boy and gently explain to him that you need his help now and you will really appreciate it if he can be a good boy and get dressed when he is asked or goes to sleep when he is told to? I have noticed that even at such a young age, if a child is gently explained something or if you treat him more like a like-minded person instead of the child he is, they usually respond with more understanding than their age should allow. I think all parents of boys have a very special place in heaven because boys are generally more troublesome than girls at an early age whereas girls become more dramatic at the teenage years...

Good Luck and stay strong!