I feel like dying, no will to live.

Hello, I will try to keep this as imformative and to the point as much as possible.

I am a 31 year old man who feels like death is the inevitable answer. Since the time I graduated high school, my life has gone in a downward spiral. From 2000 until now (which happens to be my mother's birthday today) I have lost both parents to cancer; my mother in 2006, my father in approx. 2007-2008 (I chose to stop talking to him after constant disrespect about my mother-his ex. wife. They were married until Feb. 2001. My mother discovered she had breast cancer in Sept. 2000, whom after the divorce I lived with and supported to the fullest extent a young man could after being put in a immediate position to "grow up overnight."

After her passing, I went through a great deal of personal issues, from financial problems, reuniting with my father, to relocating from northern and southetn california, with at times being homeless. In 2006 I also met a woman whom I fell in love with, which later we had a handsome son. During ou
r relationship we had severe financial issues, resulting in living in a shelter. Eventually a relative offered her home to us, as at the time my ex was pregnant. We lived there for 1 1/2 years until the toll of the recession forced us to separate. I later relocated to san francisco, her to redwood city. Since relocating, she has got married, and I managed to get the best job I could never imagined I could get. The new issue is now in he bay area, the cost of living is beyond imaginable to people unfamiliar with the bay area or california. With our different lifestyles, it drawn the relationship that was building between me & my son apart, and the relationship of me and his mother sworn enemies. I would often let her know I'm still struggling, I need kore time to relocate out of san francisco so I can be closer to my son. i would help out as much as i could, although i will admit it wasn't much, but it was appreciated and the times we spent have always been beyond special. It was a rocky road for almost 3 years until things started to work out and I was able to buy a car as a new years gift, to be one step closer to spending more time with my son (I did not have a viechle from 2/17/09 until 12/31/12). It was a fixer-upper, but I felt it would not be too much of a debt. Two months go by, unexpectedly and without notice I noticed 30% of my check being garnished due to child support. I felt betrayed by her after we agreed that would not happen and she couldn't even have the common courtesy to let me know that was happening, when I always kept in contact. Since then I lost my car, have multiple debts that I can not afford to pay, and now have resorted to doing other means for income such as barbering and gardening just to barely afford groceries for a week. Our relationship have flgrown to a severe level of hate to where I can not visualize to even image that she is able to breathe. I told her today that I can not put up with the stress and I am done attempting to be a father to a child in a state where the mother is always right no matter what happens (in a way more explicit and violent way). I now seek a "cold" way of living with immense anger that I will never be able to see my son due to my feelings toward his mother.

I will become so angry at times to where I can not envision doing any of the atrocities I constantly think of to another person, therefore the anger at times turns into a deep depression on myself. I do not date/talk to women due to that I never want children or to fall in love ever again. I keep myself distant, because I am in a city I feel I can not relate to anyone. I have one friend, one close relative, and three roommates I associate with, as well as coworkers, but still feel like I have failed in life and can never recover from those just mentioned. There are deeper things that has happened in all relationships that have triggered these thoughts, but that's the bulk of it. I rarely eat, can't afford to even get to work without sneaking on the train (which has led to multiple violations) and I feel like I'm just living to dig myself deeper in a hole that I can never get out of. I honestly feel like death is the only answer but know it's wrong, but what else can I do besides something illegal or stupid?

Hi, I am sorry that you are going through such difficult times. Every where the crisis is putting a lot of pressure on us.
The economic, the emotional towards your son, towards your ex, your own measure or worthiness or not.
All of these among other things seem to be going on inside your head.
Where to start?

I would say that if we measure a person's mission in life according to their capacity to hold a job, to economically support a family, to have the necessary to live,
well, not only many people in this forum, but several millions that are displaced through violence, through the crisis, through other problems would be casted out.

the resentment towards your ex.... I can not say much about it, but if you could put in in a capsule so that the hate does not deteriorate or ruin other aspects of your life.

the love for your son!! this has to be your allied. From this source you can do so much positive.
You can be a better person for him. You can contribute with small things to make a better world.

everyday make a list of the positive things that have happened during your day...force yourself to do it!! I will help you with the first three:
the sun came out
there is light
I have a son

it can be better, but you need to work at it, with your way of looking at things,
do not look from above but otherwise.
begin with the smallest!! what you might take for granted!!
God bless!

You really have been going through a lot. I'm so sorry for you. Unfortunately I can't offer help like loise but I will keep you in my prayers (It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you). You are so much stronger than I am. I f those things happened to me I would not be here anymore.

You are so strong and you really just need a break. I pray you find that break soon.
Good Luck and stay strong.