My guilt is killing me

If you feel harshly about me, I apologize but I need to get this out. I did something so wrong. I accidently bruised my child on the waist. I was so upset with him that when I was spanking him, the belt on the waist on his pants bruised him. I didn't beat him with the belt, it was my hand hit that belt. But, I guess it's just the same. Life got so frustrating being a single parent. The community health center wouldn't help me because I supposedly made too much money. (anything above 20 grand - what a joke) We have no family to help as well.
This was the first time I bruised him and the school saw the bruises and phoned it in.

He was taken away. He is in a good home now with a mother and father. I have done so much reading and taking classes for better skills and have joined a prayer group.

However, I feel that I have scarred this child for life. I wonder if he is going to grow up okay. I wish I had started medication sooner. Every night, I dream of seeing my child again. Poor thing. God Bless him.

Sometimes I think, lucky I didn't go to jail but either way I would still feel like sh*t. I hate myself, who I am and what I have done. I have learned from my continuing courses and know so much more and the medication helps but why couldn't I have got it sooner.
Why is it until one explodes that people come to help you?
My guilt is overbearing my life and I find it hard to smile. Self-esteem is rock bottom and I feel like a rotten person. I pray he comes out better then that with a happy life and strong self-esteem.

Personally, I believe that violence of any kind (spanking included) against child, is wrong. I know that in our society it's ok, but so was beating and killing slaves. Just because society made it legal doesn’t mean it’s right. I look at it this way. Children small and can’t stand up for them selves and the adults use their power agains them. If child was adult it would be wrong, even though adults often do more harm- you don’t do it simply because you can’t. Adult can fight back (unlike child), adult can divorce (unlike child). My question is how parents different from bully? Yea they suppose to protect, but do the same thing. (They tried to teach lesson, so did the bully). To get to point, think what is the purpose of violence? It is fear. So child does what you want because of fear! Think how that will play in future. Imagine how would you react. I am not saying to not discipline child; I am saying there are many other ways besides violence. I am saying no one should ever take away one thing every person owns—their body, and enforce pain on it.

I think you really want your child back, and you think that you changed you would never do that again. You feel this way because you really miss him. I think change extremely hard, and you must practice, and that not good idea. If you want to check your self, find a person(s) whom you hate and try to be nice, and make it in good relationship, and you will see if you changed. But think about it, if you loved your child, you would know that these parents will raise your child better than you, so it’s better for your child. There are probably worse parents and their children will get the worse, but your child will get the best. If these parents are good, as you said, they will make sure your child will get what he needs. And if something wrong is going on they will get him help, they will solve problems. You can be confident that he will grow up to be good adult w/ good future, and you should feel good about that.

About you, I don’t think he hates you. I think you will meet him when he is adult and you should prepare your self for that time.

As far as your guilt, I think it is normal to feel it. I would too if I hurt someone defenseless to the point of scar, it hurt. In a way it is good because his bad life stopped because of this, it wouldn't otherwise. Something bad had to happen to change situation. So now you can do the right thing to all other people around you. Imagine that if you can be good to bad people, you could to your son, and you practice to be a better person. Change what you can.

I won't sit in judgement of you or your parenting. That's not my place to do, especially based off of one post from the outside looking in. You gave us very little info to go on ....remember that people as you read his post too! I'd need your whole story and more facts and pieces of your story that are not here if I were to try and judge you. Which again, it's simply not my place to do.

At any rate. My questions as I read this have more to do w/........Is this custody placement for your child probationary? Are you going to get custody of your son back if you meet certain criteria that I would assume a court set for you to meet? Do you have goals such as this to work towards for yourself and your son? Do you have visitation w/ your son currently? Your post makes it sound like they took away your son based on one act and you will never see him again, end of story.

You ask if you have scarred him for life. I guess here again, I can't judge that. I think that depends on what you have exposed him too, his age and how long things have been going on. It will also depend on how hard you are working towards change and once you suceed with your changes how long you sustain that change and the idea that you don't allow yourself to go back to any old patterns. Show him the love he needs and handle matters of concern, upset, etc. in the home in the ways you are learning now in class....w/ love and care and not anger and hurt. Show him love and he will show you forgiveness and love right back. Depending on exactly what happened in your home....well and the fact that he has been taken from your home....counseling may be in order for him. But I think if you two can work together on this ....you can both come out of this in a good place. If you continued a cycle of hurt, abuse, etc. That would scar him for life. But if you show him that the cycle is going to be broken and never returned to again and show him only love and positive changes going forward I think you can create a greater bond for yourselves.

I wish both your son and you much success and love.

Chris1234 wrote:If you feel harshly about me, I apologize but I need to get this out. I did something so wrong. I accidently bruised my child on the waist. I was so upset with him that when I was spanking him, the belt on the waist on his pants bruised him. I didn't beat him with the belt, it was my hand hit that belt. But, I guess it's just the same. Life got so frustrating being a single parent. The community health center wouldn't help me because I supposedly made too much money. (anything above 20 grand - what a joke) We have no family to help as well.
This was the first time I bruised him and the school saw the bruises and phoned it in.

He was taken away. He is in a good home now with a mother and father. I have done so much reading and taking classes for better skills and have joined a prayer group.

However, I feel that I have scarred this child for life. I wonder if he is going to grow up okay. I wish I had started medication sooner. Every night, I dream of seeing my child again. Poor thing. God Bless him.

Sometimes I think, lucky I didn't go to jail but either way I would still feel like sh*t. I hate myself, who I am and what I have done. I have learned from my continuing courses and know so much more and the medication helps but why couldn't I have got it sooner.
Why is it until one explodes that people come to help you?
My guilt is overbearing my life and I find it hard to smile. Self-esteem is rock bottom and I feel like a rotten person. I pray he comes out better then that with a happy life and strong self-esteem.

now THIS is a long post.

please do not resort to violence in any way becuase it is not a thing and it could get you in troulbe