Empty vessel

Sorry to post again so soon after my last one.

I am so desperate. I feel so dead inside. So empty. So numb. I don't see a way out. I feel no love in my heart. I have no capacity to genuinely smile, laugh or love. I feel like my mind, heart and soul has been stolen and replaced with empty vessels. I feel nothing. I feel life has no meaning and that everything, and I mean everything, is totally and utterly pointless. I want to die. I want to be at peace and not have to wake up every single morning feeling dead and having to take my pills just to feel a bit more chilled out for a few hours. I've been to therapy in the past and it helped in some ways. I've been on various medications but the only one that's been a God send was the one I'm on now - Tramadol. I now sleep well, don't have any joint aches and very rarely sink to the deep depths of depression. What does remain, and has probably got worse, is the emptiness. The feeling of being emotionally void. Apathetic. Emotionally-depraved. Whatever you wanna call it. I just feel so angry. So frustrated. I have anxiety. I've had depression for several years now. I've taken overdoses, had eating disorders, been in tumultuous relationships and self-harmed but they only provide me with brief 'breaks' from the emptiness. I don't feel human. I feel like a zombie. Like a monster. Most people are excited about things such as birthday's and Christmases. I dread them because it means I have to slap on a fake smile for the day and try to be human. The people I love are good people. I had a good upbringing and don't get me wrong, I adore my parents, but I'm envious of them. They're such lovely people with morals, a conscience and a personality and I want that. I've been cheated on, abused, lied to compulsively by an ex, lost unborn children and threatened but I don't care. As heartless as that sounds, I don't care. Obviously I care in the sense that I don't want to be this empty vessel, but it's hard when nothing provokes any emotion from you apart from the negative feelings - anger, hatred, etc.

I don't want to feel like this forever...

Hugs, Londonguy.

I know it is more than a month later but I hope you found some closure in this forum. I remember after my ex left me that I cried every morning BECAUSE I woke up. I wanted to never exist but did not have the guts to end it. I still feel empty and I also dread Christmas and Birthdays because I have to pretend to feel things I don't. I understand how you feel but it helps if you remember that you are pretending to spare your loved ones from the pain of knowing how you feel.

I had a good upbringing and don't get me wrong, I adore my parents, but I'm envious of them. They're such lovely people with morals, a conscience and a personality and I want that.

I adore my parents. That statement always worries me. Its a Red Flag.
What exactly makes them 'so lovely'

You don't have a personality?

Perhaps they took it from you.

Mine did.

Like Scott Pect psychiatrist and best-selling author, best known for his first book, The Road Less Traveled, published in 1978. remarked;
I'm always amazed how many troubled people walk into my office and the first thing they say is
"Before you say anything it was not my parents, they were GREAT

Yorkshirelass wrote:

I had a good upbringing and don't get me wrong, I adore my parents, but I'm envious of them. They're such lovely people with morals, a conscience and a personality and I want that.

I adore my parents. That statement always worries me. Its a Red Flag.
What exactly makes them 'so lovely'

You don't have a personality?

Perhaps they took it from you.

Mine did.

Like Scott Pect psychiatrist and best-selling author, best known for his first book, The Road Less Traveled, published in 1978. remarked;
I'm always amazed how many troubled people walk into my office and the first thing they say is
"Before you say anything it was not my parents, they were GREAT

What makes them "lovely" is the fact that they've always been there for me when I needed their support or guidance. They've never been interfering nor judgmental, just loving and supportive. They certainly haven't taken my personality away from me, far from it. It's mix of me getting involved with the wrong people, making selfish mistakes and bad decisions and a few other factors that have contributed to this emptiness.

Hard to really evaluate what is going on with you without digging into the details.

*mod edit*

Cheers,
RG

thebishopofdigne wrote:Hard to really evaluate what is going on with you without digging into the details.
*mod edit*

Cheers,
RG

Thanks for your message.

*mod edit*

LondonGuy