i feel as though my life no longer has meaning,

this post will be long, rambling, i am struggling to put my thoughts together. i'm sorry.
i am at the end of my tether and i have no medical help to help me, although i don't even know if it will; i think finding a good psychologist is hard. i have seen a few, none worth remembering, apart from one; for the negative impression she had on me. clearly a woman who had little time for drama’s such as a young, bright but clearly troubled girl who was on the verge of killing herself. actually, her exact words were, “i can’t help you unless you attempt suicide." she proceeded to tell me i was contradicting myself and not making any sense; i was borderline hysterical.
her answer, to all my problems: pills and rest.

personally, pills do not work for me. i have been on two types of antidepressants; the first took a long time to kick in and when it did kick in, it helped considerably. but i became far too reliant on them and eventually they wore off, and so i was changed to a different type with a relatively normal dosage. its side-effects were strange, i fell asleep almost instantaneously and slept for 20 hours (i kid you not). now, i suffer sleepless nights (pill free, might i add) and then sleep far too long into the day.

depression is tiring. i am constantly tired, not only from the lack of sleep but the weight of the world which i carry on my shoulders. one accurate word to describe this feeling is “draining.” there are some days were i literally cry because i do not want to get out of bed, because i feel so worthless and yet so numb. when i am in this phase, i do not want to interact with the world, not even on my phone. other days i manage to get out of bed, and try to address the day ahead. i try to think positive. this is 99.9% impossible usually. i have had stages of recovery throughout, but they always end in relapse. i am very lucky i have my horses, who are thereapeutic.

the yard were i keep my horses is, great, for them. they're happy there. but the barn owner makes me do a lot of things for him - i played a big part in publicizing his funshow. he put a lot of pressure on me -- gardening (pulling up lots of poisonus plants in a heatwave), tidying up for hours, being a photographer, editing videos.. a lot of stuff and i would come home, take diazpham to calm down, but freak out to my poor mum. i can't deal with peoples expectations. because, with him in particular, when i do not live up to them, he guilt trips me. badly. whatever i do for him he acts like it isnt good enough. but i cannot say no to him because i dont want to get kicked off the yard.
my mum guilt trips me too. she tries to understand but i have had a very destructive childhood and upbringing; my house is full of bad tensions and stresses. i want to slash my wrists every night. i want to overdose. i want to die. i can't live anymore. my dad left years ago. he has a new family now. i have no one else.

i have two coping mechanisms: one is writing in my diary and the other is self harm. i first began self harming almost 8 years ago, when i was just 13. it didn’t last, but the depression stayed in my head. it grew and grew. as a person i changed, i became extremely reserved and antisocial. i hated meeting new people–i still do, really. i take a long time to adjust to changes in situations. i overthink, over analyse, panic. anxiety. talking on the phone wasn’t a commodity, it was a chore, a huge effort. i would rather muck out 100 stables in a heatwave then have a phone conversation. i am slowly getting better, slowly coming out of my shell.

but there are people who toy with my feelings–coax me out of my shell, sweettalk me. i am not naive to say the least, but i am hopeful. i like to see the best in people, even when they stab me in the back. i guess its one of my personality defects. when i fall for somebody, i fall hard and fast. yet i am independent and reserved – i won’t be the first to text, i do not message every hour… this is probably because of my first and last serious relationship, when my boyfriend (who lived in another country, an hour ahead) would happily ignore me for hours to days on end. at the time i was absolutely frantic.

a diary entry of mine;
“as i write this with bloodshot eyes and a sinking heart, i am reminded of the absolute necessity that is friendship. well, or lack thereof. thank you for making me feel utterly worthless – but of course – according to you i am always wrong. i always make mistakes, right? thank you, for kicking me in the teeth when i was so low. you have no idea, do you? thank you for ######6 with my feelings, to the point were all i want is to find redemption in my last, secret razorblade.
to dare to dream, the expression to live,
lifeless words that drift; worlds collide
a breath, a sigh,
please redemption, give me a sign,
that all is not lost,
is yet to be found,
my silver lining on a weatherbeaten cloud,
so smile and pretend, for they do not care.
lose yourself.
momentarily.
indefinitely.”


i just cant cope anymore.

Melthea,there is a place for you in this world even if you dont realize it right now.What seems like a never ending cycle of despair and doom is just that,only a cycle of life.Life goes in cycles.My childhood upbringing was horrible.Filled with family abuse.How do you avoid family when you are a child?You cant.I still cant and I am well into adulthood.All my BFs and relationships were abusive.That was all I knew,and strangely what I was trying to get away from,which was abuse,I was actually running towards.Somewhere inside I have found I have a voice..and I use it.We all have the will of empowerment deep inside of us.Deep inside our minds,depressions,fears,anxieties, we have the power to change how we view the world.It doesnt happen overnight,but try finding something positive you can journal about yourself everyday.You also have to learn to set boundries with others and keep them.People might get offended,people might unfriend you,as that is what happened to me when I had enough and set them.Thats lfe.If people can find someone to do all their bidding,they will.They will guilt you into anything if they can.I KNOW all about that.When you finally say no,or I cant,they act shocked or offended.You know why?Because you are too depndable and available.When people throw their work on you just tell them you cant because you havent been feeling quite well.Leave it at that.People are draining you of your joy for life.NOT FAIR.You have so much to offer in life,so much to offer to yourself and your horses.Horses are beautiful sensitive benevolent creatures of God.They deserve you as their friend and keeper.Why should you let the dictation and expectations of others keep you from their love and joy for life?DONT.Find something peaceful like meditation that can help you ground yourself..clear your mind and soul..and help you find serenity in this world.XX

Thank you so much starbright333, your reply is probably one of the kindest things I have ever heard

You are so welcome Melthea.XXX

O my dear, I feel so sorry for you - because I feel the exact way myself. In reading your post I felt like I was reading something I, myself, have written. I cannot offer advice (I need help myself), but I can offer you a listening ear and the knowledge that you are not alone. My family always thought I was just a big pessimist but after being diagnosed with depression they all avoid me like I have some kind of disease. My dad is the worst - "Get over it" and "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". I thought I found someone who understood and would support me but my fiance left me because he got tired of me feeling worthless and he cheated on me because and I quote "You are no longer good enough." So now I feel exactly as you do. My depression was bad before but now I also cut and because I can't manage to lose weight by living healthy I am trying every diet pill in the shops just so I could be good enough for anyone to love me...

Hugs* I hope you know you are special and I appreciate you posting this. It made me feel a bit better.

It's probably because life got no meaning at all.

Objectively speaking, there is no reason, no meaning in all of this; we create meaning and we destroy meaning. Whether you get tired of the current meaning or you want change, you just demolish all that's been built and build something else. When you are tired of building, you have to rest... but it's hard to rest when the mind is rocking and overflowing with thoughts... the only way is to temporarily get distracted and minimize thinking, giving some rest to your mind in order to get ready to build something else.

It's all in the mind; if the meaning you have given to "objects" in your life doesn't appeal to you, destroy it and change it. If you are sinking in despair, change the meaning of despair in happiness. It's like assigning the meaning of bad to the color black and the meaning of good to the color white; black & white are just meaningless colors, it's you who decides what meaning to give to them. Try replacing meanings, switch views, change your perception of reality. Some are even able to create reality from nowhere, I wish I was that imaginative...

Hi I also feel the same way. I just feel like shouting at the top of my voice for someone to help me, but alas no one there to even sit and listen. Am just all alone in this world even so many people there surrounding me, parents etc. I have lost my girl whom i love her so much that i would do anything for her, i still love her and would keep loving her and wait for her. Apart from this i have OCD (i feel have bipolar too but not sure yet) and compounding all these problems i dont have a job now. Actually i tell you, no meds would be helpful if there not even a single person there to take care of us. Even the medicines may fail, but if you have a loving person at your side to support you, that would be enough to get healed from everything