Stuck - Don't know what to do

Hello,

I am a male in his mid twenties and I have been having some very depressing thoughts lately. I am gay, but in the closet and I belong to a considerately conservative family. I have lived with this my whole life, and I have often contemplated suicide. However you see it, I would not be successful in it because I am too scared to do anything and when things get so bad - I just feel stuck. I don't want to hurt the people I love more by taking my life, but I don't know of any other option. I can be very moody, I get frustrated easily and I know that this underlying factor is making my life miserable. But I can't tell them, because just like committing suicide would hurt them, I'm sure this would hurt them just as much. I used to be an extrovert - talk to a lot of people, hook up a lot and do everything a normal college going guy would do, but my discomfort with my sexuality has literally caught up to me and I feel exhausted. Now, I don't have a personality - when I work, I am scarred of everything and stutter, unsure and slow. I don't know what to talk about with people and I just stay quiet. Not only is the gay thing a factor, I do have a supportive family in terms of my work, they let me do what I want but the line of work I am in is project based and I don't make a good income at all. I hate asking my parents for money at this age. I rarely go out anymore because I frankly can't afford it and the people I hang out with usually like to drink and do things that I can't afford. But since I am to embarrassed to admit I am having money issues, they consider me a flake. I really try to be a good person, I don't wish bad for anyone and I always have my heart in the right place, but I've slowly lost all my friends - and I don't think they even know, I'm just too embarrassed and angry that they don't have time to even ask me how I'm doing. The ones that try, I feel try only because they notice that I stopped trying too. My parents are my world. They work so hard and they really don't deserve to be more disappointed in me than they probably already are. I get so offended when they ask if I've found work and they have every right to know, but its like a defense mechanism. I don't know my thoughts on spirituality - I do know that I feel disconnected, and I do feel like I am being selfish but I literally have no one to confide in. I feel like I have ask so many questions to the universe and only silence answers. I've never been in a relationship with anyone, and I've been quite promiscuous and now I fear that I wouldn't even know how to be with someone if the day ever came. I've never even had anyone ever tell me that they like me. I've allowed myself to be used by a lot of men because I feel so empty inside. I know that people can tell that I am gay, but sometimes I don't understand why it needs to be said. I feel alone, jobless, and hopeless and most of all, STUCK. I even feel guilty for wanting to end my life when I know that there are people who have had their lives cut short and who have wanted to live, and people in my life who have passed away and I can't help but feel why not me? Why did they have to go without wanting too, why couldn't it be me instead? I know this is all my fault, I have searched for reasons everywhere and I know it all begins and ends with me, so I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful and as if I am complaining but I just wanted to type it out and have someone in the world see.

Hi IwishIknew,
Do you have any gay friends? I think it could be helpful for you to reach out to other gay people. Some of them may have had to deal with similar issues. Some of them may have been lucky to have more tolerant and supportive families. Surround yourself with supportive people who value you for who you are.

Then when you are in a stronger position, you can make the decision to tell your family. If they react negatively, that is their problem. It's unfortunate that not everyone will love and accept us for who we are. But you are not hurting anyone by being gay or being honest about being gay. At the moment you are hurting yourself with shame and guilt.