Nearing My Third Suicide Attempt, Out Of Options

I've been living in lows for the last 10 years, but I've reached a point beyond shallow. I feel like everything is just empty and there is no hope for anything in my life anymore. I'm 19 years old, just graduated high school, and at that point in life where there is no more joy to look forward to. I feel as if I have began my journey towards a slow death.

I'm from suburban Connecticut, USA and contrary to popular belief, I do not have a single penny to my name. In fact, I'm probably the brokest godamn man in the state. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 13 years old. I've had episodes of extreme sadness growing up due to family separation and plenty of difficulties, and my first suicide attempt was when I was in middle school due to bullying. Fast forward. For the past 4 years I've lived with my mother and sister in a two-bedroom apartment and me being the black sheep, I've been living on the sofa in the living room since I was 15. My father is a deadbeat who is no longer in the picture unless it's to make my life an absolute hell. I lived with him prior to living with my mother, but he threw me away for his new family. Mind you things weren't any better with him; we were crammed in a one-bedroom apartment in the ghetto just because he didn't care. My mom does not make enough to support me at all. We cannot get any government assistance due to us being white. Within the last year and a half, the lows I have tolerated for years prior just seem to be digging deeper and deeper. We live in an apartment complex and the unit below us was recently infested with cockroaches, and nothing is being done to get rid of them (they just keep coming back). My car that I worked so hard for last year was recently totaled in an accident where I was rear-ended and I haven't been able to get another one. I've been walking to and from my job. I attempted suicide last year by overdosing on codeine cough syrup and diphenhydramine, but my younger sister called 911 on me and unfortunately saved my life. Upon my release from the psychiatric inpatient hospital, I found myself $2000 in debt with the hospital. I cannot afford a psychiatric nurse nor my antidepressant medication I was prescribed upon my last suicide attempt of last year. I am up to my neck in hospital bills that I cannot pay off due to my income going towards other necessities. I am without a car, no family support, and just cannot do it on my own anymore. I want to start community college, but can't afford to drop hours at work. My semester is around the corner and I'm worried about how I will make it by with school in the way.

I don't deserve to be living like this. I am at the point where I'm beyond unhappy and can't find anything left to heal me. I try to be happy with my bare necessities but I can't help it when I see these kids in high-school driving around in 2014 Audis and rubbing their money and happiness in my face. Society is an absolute beatdown that I am not ready for. I am in need of support, but there is none out there. They are too busy helping others who do not need it. An old friend of mine makes double at his job what I make at mine (and works a quarter as hard as I do), goes to a beautiful private college downtown and cheats his way through, yet still gets his rent and a majority of his bills paid for him. Yet here I am getting kicked down into the pavement with every struggle that seems to get thrown my way.

I have been told for years that things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, but they seem to just be following the same pattern of "one step forward, two steps back". Things just continue to go downhill with this long period of misfortune and adversity, and I'm yet to see any improvement in life. I try to make changes, but I just make things worse. If I let the wind take me, it makes things twice as bad. And I know for a fact that there is no hope for improvement in the future, especially when I can't get on my feet. I know that all the future holds is debt and disappointment. And every single day before I fall asleep, I hope and pray that I do not wake up.

Am I allowed to feel the way I do? Is this normal? Am I really out of options?

You absolutely ARE NOT out of options. ONe of my closest friend's was brought up in a basement apartment with 9 siblings, an abusive mother, and an alcoholic dad. She often was forced to sleep on a couch, or didn't have enough food.She is now attending one of the best liberal art schools in New England with a full scholarship. She is also white. YOu need to really look into the government assistance available to you in your state. Chances are that someone in your position would qualify for food stamps, or state healthcare, maybe a free phone, some states even offer help with transportation. I'm not sure what the laws are in CT, but in MA these are all options, and if you are looking to continue your education, it's not impossible! Most school offer very reasonable scholarships, or even full rides (as my friend and all her siblings did.) You can also see if your local church has a food assistance program, or if there is a local food pantry. There are always options!

i am so sorry your lifestyle has been and is the way it is. i wish i could give you a big hug and make things better. please stay strong. x