just make it go away..

Well, I wrote about my problem in another forum and someone sugested that I should write about it here.. Maybe it's pointless, but anyway.

I've been depressed for about 5 years now (I'm 15) and I don't even know why. I can't remember anything that was wrong with my life when I was younger. The only thing I can think of is when i was 6 years old and was terrified of death. I couldn't accept the fact that when you die you're.. well, dead. That there's no comming back. Other than that, I was happy, always had friends and nice parents. I only meet my father about 4 days every month but honestly, I don't care.

When I got 10 I started to hate school, I could start crying in the morning whitout really knowing why, I just felt so sad. I only had one really close friend and it has always been like that. One close friend. Now, my close freind is the third that I've had and I'm terrified that she's going to leave me.
Last year I didn't meet anyone outside of school. I got really depressed, wondering what the f*ck was wrong with me. I seriuosly started to concider to kill myself. Why would I keep on tormenting myself with this pathetic life? Two times I went to the railway that is very close to where I live. I stood there crying, because I couldn't do it. I didn't even have the strength to end it.

Two years ago I started to scratch my wrist, whenever I felt sad, until it started to bleed. It was like an instinct, I deserve to get hurt. Then I started to use a needle too. I held it in a flame then I pressed the hot needle in my wounds. A couple of months ago I got a razor and started to cut. I hide the scars cause I'm ashamed of them.

Latley, I've been feeling like a zombie. I don't care about anything. I can't see a reason to live but I can't kill myself. There's a very small part of me that hopes that it will just go away. But then I start to think. 5 YEARS? How can I know that there won't be 10 years? Or 15?
I'm starting to get desperate.

Also, my friend is very depressed and cuts too. But she has much "better" reason to feel bad and I'm so ashamed when I see her scars. She can get very mad (I guess she's sad at the same time but she never show that) and say things that make me want to kill myself. Sometimes she make me cut myself cause I hate myself even more when she is angry.
But without her I have NO ONE and i can't go back to being that lonley again. I would just break down.

I'm so empty right now.. i feel NOTHING. Why am I like this?? Why can't I feel? i want to be happy, I want to like to go out and have fun. Instead I think "Why should I go out? Do you think they care anyway?"
Whem I'm out with friends I don't think "We" it is "I and Them". If guys look at us or start to talk I think "Shut up, they're talking to Them, not to you, you loser."

Does anyone else feel like this? Will it ever go away? I really don't want to talk to anyone, I feel too embaresed.
I have to make this go away..

hi hi !!

I feel exactly like this..... 5 yrs ...started wheni was 16..almost 6 now so ...

It seem liek it doesnt go away, I admit... I do believe though there IS a way out.... I tried to die and ended up never really did cuz i am never brave enuf ....... Sometimes i wish i am but then again , if I do have the courage to die..then i'd have the courage to live right ?

I DO believe that someone out there can help, u just have to find the person ... Trust me.. im not saying this cuz oh im all better..i just tried to commit suicide last nite and my mom , my cousin and my bf didnt care and walked away..........it hurts............ Well .... if they dont care....why should I die ? I'd have to live and make them miserable LOL!! jk ... dont revenge is bad!!!

Just have a question for u .. are u on any meds , or have u seen a doctor/phsychagist before ?

I know ur only 15 but trust me, u can turn your life around... if Im trying, then u should be too!! Dont have to care what other have to say ...... Dont care what other thinks..think of urself first!Be selfish for a little while and when u are well, then take care of others!!

Sorry about the blabbling..... i hope it make sense!! One last words...... " Happiness is a process, not a result!"

Hey,
I read your post, and I knew that I had to reply. I'm 16, and I've also been dealing with depression for most of my life. I also feel ashamed of cutting and feeling depressed, a lot of the time, because my life has been good, compared to many other people I know. I mean, I've had some rough family conflicts, but nothing "tragic", if you know what I mean. I believe that you CAN get better, because you've already taken the first couple of steps: recognizing the problem, and seeking help. I know it's difficult, but you have to try to have hope. You may be surprised by how much you can improve if you keep on trying.
Earlier this year, I was hospitalized for depression and anxiety attacks. Depression and anxiety run in my family, and I have huge social anxiety; I have trouble in large crowds, like at school in the cafeteria, and I have very low self-esteem. In short, I believed that I was a horrible and disgusting person, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to be around my friends. This is gonna sound crazy, but being in the hospital really opened my eyes. I learned coping skills on how to deal with social anxiety and depression, and I learned to be more open with my family and friends. I've found that for me, personally, bottling up feelings makes things worse.
My advice to you would be to talk to your parents about how you've been feeling (Believe me, I know, easier said than done!). It sounds like you probably have clinical depression, which medication can usually help. If you find a good therapist, he/she can help you get on an anti-depressant and can be a good resource. I went through like, 4 therapists before I found one that I can finally trust, but for the first time in my life, I feel in control. Things definetely aren't perfect, but I know I'm going to be okay. I haven't cut for 6 months, and therapy has helped me a lot.
I'm sorry that this is so long and rambling; I just feel your pain, and I hope this helps!!!
I'm here, if u ever need to talk..
Good luck!!!!!!!!

lol. i think that i knwo what can help you.

i think that you should take up a sport,.

here are a list of sports htat you can take up

track and field
cross country
football
baseball
softball
basketball
swimming
nordic skiing
darts
marbles
billiards
diving
basketball
hockey
golf
jogging
walking
racewalking

I can't tell you how much I understand. In high school, I guess I would have been 15 too, I had ONE close friend. She was a cutter, and she was suicidal. I felt that without her I'd be all alone. I started cutting when my spiral into depression began. Sometimes she would do such horrible things to herself, and it would make me want to hurt myself as well. I was ashamed of my cuts and scars and always hid them as best I could. What you really have to do is seek help. For at least a while, I eventually got better and stopped cutting, and my friend got better too. Now we're still friends.

I was hospitalized twice. Ultimately I had to stop the cutting on my own, but it did give me some perspective. I haven't had a bad life, or a bad childhood. My dad was an alcoholic but I was mostly shielded from that until I hit about 13. Then there were lots of verbal fights but no real abuse toward me. My friend on the other hand had been sexually abused. I felt guilty about feeling so bad for no reason at all, when my best friend had good reason to feel as bad as she did.

Meds CAN help. Even if I can't remember what it was like, I do know that for quite a while, I felt like a normal human being. Talk to someone that you can trust. I personally told a teacher friend of mine, and then they told my parents. I didn't have the strength to tell my parents myself.