Circular Madness--Will my depression ever leave me alone?!

I don't get it! I am sick of this s*** I can't take this anymore. Everything is going so well for me. I just got a new job that I love (even though it is temporary and not a money maker), my family is loving and supportive, I'm on the verge of making new friends, and I just moved to the most gorgeous mountain in a place where I feel like I can do and be anything, and yet here comes depression rearing its' gory ugly hideous head again.

The weirdest thing is that it doesn't creep up anymore, it will just stop by, visit, leave, come back, leave. LEave me feeling suicidal, then having murderously angry feelings towards lovers past. Feeling so angry I could kill them because they have rejected me (even though with some of them I chose to leave them, and for very good reasons). I feel unloved, rejected, alone, angry, and I don't want or need to feel any of this. Sure my "Daddy issues" aren't really resolved, but they never will be. I love my dad, and we will never be close again. There is nothing more to it.

I'm feeling suicidal but for no reason. What is wrong with me? Why am I plagued with this bull $#%^, I would gladly stab myself right now and just end these thoughts. No matter how good my life gets I can't seem to get away from these feelings....

-- Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:20 am --

I have half a bottle of wellbutrin left. I took 13 pills once and had a seizure. I know it would not kill me, but sometimes I just yearn to do that again as a cry for help, to not have to deal with life for a few hours. Getting high or drunk doesn't do anything. I am still aware of my life, of myself, and the fact that I will be alone forever. I am aware that love is not for me. I am aware that I will be forgotten by all, and they will move on and be happy, and I will be F--ing alone and fricking always!!! God damn it. I just want to take those pills, and seize, and go to the hospital and forget everything while I'm passed out for those few hours.

Put those pills away. Get them right away from you.

I know how you feel. I've recently had a new job etc, and everything seemingly going for me, yet I can't stop bloody depression steaming in and bringing me crashing down.

I'm sorry to hear that former 'lovers' have made you feel like that. I've been there too quite recently. Rejection from somebody you've given your heart to really exacerbates all your self insecurities and makes you feel worthless, like something they've scraped off their shoe. You have to tell yourself that they've demonstrated why you shouldn't give a crap about them. They don't deserve you giving a crap about them, and you really are better off without them.

I love the sound of where you live. I've always wanted to live on a mountain!

I'm very envious!