Emotional Masochism and Depression

I've always enjoyed fantasizing about emotionally painful situations, not happening to me, but happening to fictional characters. It's part of my daydreaming and is really good for my art, too. Sometimes I get so immersed in the fantasy that I start to cry. The feelings don't linger with me after the fantasy is over, and I find a sort of comfort in it (especially when the situation turns into my character being comforted by their own tormentor). It's kind of a fetish of mine, I guess.

It was never a problem for me, nor was my daydreaming. Like I said, it's great for my art and if you read my first post, you know my writing is my passion. I'm still able to function and socialize, I don't lose time unknowingly. I'm in touch with reality and am even fully aware of what's going on around me while the fantasies are happening. I never fantasize deeply enough in the middle of social situations to make it noticeable to anyone else. And I never acted out my masochistic fantasies in my real life (anyone I'd trust enough to do so with wouldn't fathom treating me/speaking to me in the ways I imagine). As far as I'm concerned, on its own, this isn't unhealthy behavior for me.

But mixed with my depression?

I was diagnosed with MDD twice, but both times were in a haste by a therapist that I had just met who decided to diagnose me right away. One even prescribed me medicine, which I found pointless for myself. It's been said by various therapists and family members as I was growing up that I am/seem depressed but I think my mood can be directly linked to the quality of my life at the time, because when things are going well for me, I'm fine. And I always manage to pull myself out of any hole.

With the help of self-help books and some changes to my social and daily life, I managed to fight off my depressive symptoms in the past and function/thrive again. Basically, I fixed what I saw was broken and things looked up for me, inside and out. However, I don't remember it being easy (it's hard to fix your life when your mind is in self-destruct/"I hate me" mode) and I also don't remember if my emotionally masochistic daydreaming made it harder or had no affect. By definition, it doesn't seem likely that it improved my situation.

I feel like I'm in a hole again, and the only thing keeping me from curling into a corner and resolving to die there is knowing that I've been through this before, and survived with flying colors. But I also sense that this time will be harder. I have more to lose. I have more obligations. I'm not going to have as much outside help. I'm thinking of ways that I can make this easier on myself, and I'm considering giving my masochistic fantasies a break.

Would you recommend the same thing?
Opinions?

There is a depressive-masochistic personality type that you may like to read about. A claim that I've seen repeated several times is that even if a person has strong depressive and strong masochistic traits, one of the two always predominates, and that treatment has to target that one behaviour otherwise the person may get worse.

Here's just a quote found quickly with Google but I'm sure there are better sources out there:

random webpage wrote:Masochistic vs. Depressive
Both coexist in many persons but usually one dominates. Treatment should be directed towards the dominant dynamic.
If one treats a depressive person as masochistic, one may provoke increased depression and even suicide.
If one treats a masochistic person as depressive one may reinforce self-destructiveness.
The predominant depressive person needs to learn that the therapist will not judge, reject, abandon and will be available when he/she suffers (unlike the internalized object).
The predominant masochistic person needs to find out that self-assertion not helpless suffering can elicit warmth and acceptance and that the therapist unlike the parent who could be brought to reluctant attention only if a disaster was in progress, is not particularly interested in the details of the patient s current misery.

Trxstyr wrote:Would you recommend the same thing?

I think it sounds like it may be worth trying.

Platypus wrote:There is a depressive-masochistic personality type that you may like to read about. A claim that I've seen repeated several times is that even if a person has strong depressive and strong masochistic traits, one of the two always predominates, and that treatment has to target that one behaviour otherwise the person may get worse.

Here's just a quote found quickly with Google but I'm sure there are better sources out there:

random webpage wrote:Masochistic vs. Depressive
Both coexist in many persons but usually one dominates. Treatment should be directed towards the dominant dynamic.
If one treats a depressive person as masochistic, one may provoke increased depression and even suicide.
If one treats a masochistic person as depressive one may reinforce self-destructiveness.
The predominant depressive person needs to learn that the therapist will not judge, reject, abandon and will be available when he/she suffers (unlike the internalized object).
The predominant masochistic person needs to find out that self-assertion not helpless suffering can elicit warmth and acceptance and that the therapist unlike the parent who could be brought to reluctant attention only if a disaster was in progress, is not particularly interested in the details of the patient s current misery.

Trxstyr wrote:Would you recommend the same thing?

I think it sounds like it may be worth trying.

Thank you. I'll look into that.