Disability and suicide... (trigger warning)

Hi there,

I'm in the process for filing for disability for a number of problems both physical and mental. I'm filling out my Function Report and found that I talked a lot about suicide. While I think about it all the time, I'm not in "imminent danger". If thinking about it all the times qualifies as imminent danger than I should've been in a hospital for the last six years. I just don't want what I say in this report to land me in a hospital for a number of reasons. I need help, true. And I'm open to it, but an inpatient experience doesn't strike me as lessening my anxiety or depression at the moment. Does anyone have any experience with this? These are the most bothersome paragraphs:

I live in constant fear that I'll forget to take my medication, which is odd considering I think about suicide all the time. In fact I actually wrote in my journal a few months ago that it's not a matter of when I think about it but more to the point when don't. My main fear is dying a slow painful death which I was essentially doing in the four days leading up to my heart attack. While the idea of being dead appeals to me, the painful dying process does not. My heart attack was the most painful experience I've ever had and the closest thing to having a depersonalization episode since I last had them as a side effect of minocycline. My body kind of took over and said, “You will go to the hospital now!” I remember at one point asking the question to myself, “Do you really want to do something about this?” and all I could think of is, “This pain in my chest needs to stop.” It was awful. I'm completely paranoid that I'll forget to take my medication.

and

I had one suicide attempt in 2003. As I said before it's not a matter of when I do think about it, it's a matter when I don't. I don't have a plan or anything, but I do wish to not be here often. I struggle with it. I thought this passage from Voltaire's Candide I took note of in my journal in 2007 was apt, "This ridiculous weakness for living is perhaps one of our most fatal tendencies. For can anything be sillier than to insist on carrying a burden one would continually much rather throw to the ground? Sillier than to feel disgust at one's own existence and yet cling to it? Sillier, in short, than to clasp to our own bosom the serpent that devours us until it has gnawed away our heart?" Yeah, that's me.

Is it too much? Will I find police at my door ready to cart me away after this?

Thanks to anyone who reads through all this!

I can't advise directly. I've not done anything like this. But, external perspective, for what that's worth. No, I don't think this is a cartawayable description. I think thinking about it is relatively common. [At least, it is for me.] The hospitalise decision would, I think, be more around the high probability of making an attempt.

Having written this, I'd bet it depends largely on local policies. And even on the actual person who assesses your claim. So if there are any local advocacy services who could review the paperwork, I would highly recommend taking them up on it. Or a therapist, or even your doctor if that's possible. Any of them will hopefully have an understanding of how "trigger-happy" the Claim Board are. And what their reactions may be to what you've written.