Can someone make sense of this?

Sorry if this is a bit rambly and scattershot, I'm not very good at converting feelings into words.

So I've been having spells of depression ever since my move to Austin from New England. Well I've had them ever since my late teens but since the move they've become more frequent and potent. Usually they're very melancholic... general feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, crying, etc.

For most of my life I've never had a car. Got my license late, drove my dad's before moving. Had a couple of jobs (mostly thanks to nepotism) but neither lasted more than six months or so, one I was laid off and the other the business went under. Naturally introverted, no social life, hard time getting out of the house, unless to get food or exercise, because I'm ashamed of myself. Any odd woman who displays even a faint hit of possible attraction because my new obsessive, limerent object, replacing the old one. None of these are new developments. My self-esteem is pathetic, yet for some reason I have a huge amount of pride as well. For most of my life I was a virgin, because I was shy in high school and into my 20s I was terrified of being a clueless virgin in bed who had no idea how to please a woman. I'm also hesitant to get into any kind of friendship or relationship because I'm concerned about the reaction once they learn that I have no friends or haven't been a real romantic relationship. They'll think I'm a weirdo or an idiot or god knows what. The only thing I really have in my life is money, thanks to an inheritance. In that regard I am rather privileged, admittedly, but it's not helping me at the moment.

I mention all this because on Monday (Thursday night as I write this) me and my dad (who isn't aware of the extent of my issues, mostly just says stuff like 'be positive' and 'it'll pass' or 'everyone feels that way', so I just don't bother anymore) decided that he'll come down here in a couple of weeks and we'll buy and pick up a car that I'll be able to pay for up front, no financing. Sounds like the answer to most if not all my external problems. There's plenty of jobs opportunities where I am, travel becomes much easier, inherently it means more freedom, specifically to pursue what I want without feeling a worthless, low-value turd. I've also been researching some self-help stuff to maybe deal with my internal problems. And I've been working out (right now it's 100 push-ups a day, gym cardio, long walks when I feel up to it).

Well, the first few hours or so after we made the arrangements I was extremely optimistic for reasons I mentioned above. But after that something else set in. The same depressive/hopeless thoughts that have plagued me forever, but with different feelings attached to them. Instead of anguish and lethargy, I now feel very jittery, panicky, restless, and rattled. My usual sanctuaries (video games, music, forums, youtube surfing) are ineffective. I'm having real issues with sleep for the first time I can remember. I've had the urge to call the crisis hotline. There also appear to be some physical manifestations. I've had some chest pains and I've caught myself gazing into space several times. I can't figure out why this is happening to me. I guess there's a reasonable fear of being swindled on the car, I've read horror stories. My dad's bought two cars with issues in the past few years. I had some house trouble last night (toilet and pipes issues), but they were taken care of, but nothing else out of the ordinary, so it must be connected to the car thing in some way.

I just would like somebody's two cents as to what the hell could be going on with me. This seems like more than a typical fear of change. There could well be a simple answer but I can't find one.

P.S... I feel like a leech for posting this here while having never posted in anyone else's threads. And I apologize, the reason being I really don't do so well with suicide and severe mental forums despite my own issues. I'm not hardcore suicidal (but I do think about fairly often), but I am afraid of triggering myself.

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist? Sometimes it helps. The sooner you solve your problems the better it will be. It seems like you feel low self esteem because your family gives you some advantages. But I bet your family also gives you disadvantages. So you should use the advantages to overcome the disadvantages (sounds good anyway )

derp wrote:Sorry if this is a bit rambly and scattershot, I'm not very good at converting feelings into words.

You are very good at writing and explaining how you feel.

I think that what you are feeling right now is anxiety. You bob along in your pool of depression, experiencing the same old disappointments, learning to expect that you will never feel good about your life. It becomes comfortable. Then, something exciting happens that makes you feel hopeful about yourself and your future. But the initial excitement wears off and you fill with dread because you don't believe you can handle whatever you're about to face. Oh, how nice it would be to return to that sad little pool where nothing good ever happens. It's easier and it feels safer. You think, it's better to avoid putting myself out there if it means I might very well fail. It's not uncommon for something very positive to end up feeling extremely negative.

Anxiety is not intrinsically negative. You will feel it when you anticipate something good, but it can overwhelm you to the point of becoming depressed. Try to clear your mind and calm down, distracting yourself if you can. Ultimately, you will have to just dive in and throw yourself at this situation, accepting that you could make a wrong choice or that it won't turn out perfectly. You must face anxiety-provoking situations head-on and just see what happens. Almost always, the result is never as bad as you imagine it will be. You must take risks in order to experience anything good in your life. I certainly understand how difficult that may feel for you, but you are capable of it. You just have to start small and be gentle with yourself.

If you can't relate to what I'm saying and it seems like I'm minimizing how you feel (I certainly hope not), I would advise that you talk to someone, if you can. I feel like I've experienced exactly what you're feeling, but I could be wrong.

Thank you, that actually makes a lot of sense, I feel a little foolish for not hitting on it myself. I'm doing everything I can to distract myself but nothing is working. No matter what I do my mind just sticks to this.

Talking to someone is tough because I lack any real confidants and don't have the social skills or confidence to find anyone new. Whenever I do reach out to someone I feel like I'm bothering them in some way or keeping them from doing something they'd rather be doing. I plan to find a psychiatrist as soon as I get the car (since my last post I've had two dreams/nightmares where I've totaled it, great sign). I'm a little worried about how those will turn out though, since I'm bit of a hypochondriac and I spend so much tooling around the internet looking for answers that I almost feel like my ability to give a doctor honest, appropriately oblivious answers has been compromised, if that makes sense.

Nah, I don't feel like you were belittling my state of mind. I've had plenty of people on other forums Dr. Phil me and tell me to suck it up and stop bitching, but you're not one of them.

I can relate to feeling like you're bothering people when you want to talk about how you feel. It would be an excellent idea to see a psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist (the former is mostly only going to prescribe you pills). I think that if you talk to someone through enough sessions, your answers won't seem so scripted or like regurgitated Wikipedia. Eventually, the truth will come out.

Let us know how the car situation goes.

Well, I have the car. Can't drive it until I have insurance though, shopping around for quotes. I feel relieved that I have it, although I still can't shake the feeling that I'm going to zone out for one split second and end up driving off the road and running someone over or something.

The anxiety stopped dead in its tracks a little over a week ago but now it's creeping back up again. I plan on getting in touch with somebody for a physical/general evaluation, hopefully I'll get referred to a psychiatrist from there. I find that I'm more paranoid than ever when out in public (feel I'm always being watched/judged), that partially ties with my self-esteem, which is pathetically low. I don't feel good physically either, I'm having breakouts lately, some of them are a little painful. Lots of heartburn but that's probably diet-related, been eating worse than usual lately (food's a vice of mine). Headaches and light-headedness. I've been racking up minor physical injuries doing pretty mundane activities, I'm pretty sure I pulled something in the back of my left knee while picking up a case of water today. More than anything I just ######6 hate myself and don't think I deserve to live. I've done less with more than probably anyone in the history of the world, I'll find a way to screw this up too.

derp wrote:Well, I have the car. Can't drive it until I have insurance though, shopping around for quotes. I feel relieved that I have it, although I still can't shake the feeling that I'm going to zone out for one split second and end up driving off the road and running someone over or something.

The anxiety stopped dead in its tracks a little over a week ago but now it's creeping back up again. I plan on getting in touch with somebody for a physical/general evaluation, hopefully I'll get referred to a psychiatrist from there. I find that I'm more paranoid than ever when out in public (feel I'm always being watched/judged), that partially ties with my self-esteem, which is pathetically low. I don't feel good physically either, I'm having breakouts lately, some of them are a little painful. Lots of heartburn but that's probably diet-related, been eating worse than usual lately (food's a vice of mine). Headaches and light-headedness. I've been racking up minor physical injuries doing pretty mundane activities, I'm pretty sure I pulled something in the back of my left knee while picking up a case of water today. More than anything I just ######6 hate myself and don't think I deserve to live. I've done less with more than probably anyone in the history of the world, I'll find a way to screw this up too.

Congrats on the car. Just don't ever feel pressured to go faster than you want to go, and you'll be fine. You should take it out for spins in the early morning and at night, when fewer people are on the road, to get used to it. If you know you have to eventually go somewhere important in the middle of the day or during rush hour, you can always make a trial run during a quiet time, so it's less nerve-wracking when you actually have to go.

Anxiety will always come and go, in different degrees. You can't ever completely get rid of it, but you can prevent it from getting overwhelming by taking care of yourself when things start to feel very uneasy. Get enough sleep, eat a healthier diet, and keep your sight on getting a job. Sometimes you have to endure seemingly unbearable anxiety in order to get the good things in life. Nothing good comes easy, you know? Just don't beat yourself up too much. That kind of thing becomes compulsive after a while and it ends up seeming like all you ever do is berate yourself. I often go through periods where I said, "I hate myself," multiple times per day. But all it does is make things worse. When you find yourself thinking or saying that, reconsider the situation and say exactly what it is that's bothering you. Like, I might think, "I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself," after I screw up an interview by not being able to think of good answers to questions. Instead, I should think, "OK, I screwed that up, but I must not have prepared well enough. I also let my anxiety get the best of me, so I wasn't able to feel confident and relaxed. I will do better next time."

Oh, and I find that physical exercise helps a lot with anger and anxiety. In fact, I should be doing something right now...

Hi, derp - I think it's great that you get in all the exercise you do. That does help a lot with depression. Also, yes, you do write quite well as another poster mentioned.

I think a psychiatrist is a good idea as many of your symptoms may likely be managed with medication. I think also that talk therapy with a licensed therapist would greatly benefit you. I say this because it seems that your perspective runs off the rails a bit since you have no one to really talk to. For example you are afraid of getting into a relationship because you don't want anyone to see that you have no friends, etc. A therapist might help you step back to examine what you really want socially rather than panicking about the implications of your social status. You mentioned that you just relocated and rather far distance too. You are pushing yourself too hard at this point. Another perspective may help you see that you are actually a pretty strong, gutsy person in a challenging situation.