Slipping with nothing to stop me.

If you're easily triggered i suggest you don't read this.

I've been aware ive had problems since an early age.
I recall countless nights as far back as primary school praying to god [literally] that i wouldnt wake up in the morning and that all of my sadness would go away.

I suffered silently till i was 18 years old, and on a spur of the moment decision, quit my job and left home.

At this point, the person whom I moved in with [and their family] urged me to seek help.
This ultimately got me nowhere.
A refusal of anti depressants later [because that doesnt adress the problem merely mask it in my eyes] and i had been dropped without warning.

I only found out they'd dropped me when i turned up in A and E after my latest bought of self destructive behavior.
No one knew I was there.
No one called. No one visited.
That was truly when I saw how little I mattered to the people who told me they cared.

They released me after I'd stopped throwing up, to sit back in that flat by myself and clean up the mes i had made the few days before.

I realized i had to go back "home"
I clearly couldnt look after myself.

So i went, and i attempted to get help again.
They eventually turned up at my house, and were quickly shooed away again. The "mother" of the household found out and was outraged.

Since then i held down a job for nearly a year, ultimately being sacked without a legitimate reason and back to feeling beyond worthless.
In this time to date, this "mother" has accused me of self harming and is clearly more preoccupied with any mess it might leave and the use of her razors than my well being as to why i might be self harming.
I am not stupid enough to leave behind evidence nor use her razors.
I have my own tools thank you very much.

Shes also told me that i ought to "do it properly" and basically finish the job.
"or better yet, hand me a knife and ill do it myself"

and people wonder why i have no self worth.

Im worried because im slipping back into that familiar self destructive territory.
Out of spite i want to harm myself to that degree just to spoil her ever so expensive new wallpaper.
So that she can carry the guilt of my existence that ive dragged around with me like a dead horse all these years.

But im told thats not healthy.
So i'll stew away silently, writing it down for the internet to read...
Because theres simply nothing else i can do without being deemed "attention seeking"