I hate my life and myself

I'm gonna be 19 in a few weeks and I just graduated high school. I have 1 close friend who lives 40 minutes away and that's it. I've never had a real girlfriend, never kissed a girl, never had any physical contact with a girl beyond a hug. I don't honestly believe any girl could possibly find me attractive, to be honest. I'm kind of boring and I have a sickly looking, short, thin, deformed left arm because of a birth defect. I was homeschooled and as a result have met very few people in life. I have no valuable high school memories worth holding on to or cherishing. I live in a city of about 6 million people and am completely isolated and confined to my own home. I don't have a job because my parents don't want me to get one. The few chances I get to leave the house and interact with people my own age, nothing connects. I can't relate to the other homeschoolers in the area. They don't want anything to do with me really. The other homeschoolers don't act like normal teenagers. They look normal for the most part, but they just act weird and I just don't fit in. I feel like I've been stuck in the f***ing twilight zone for the past 4 years. I can't interact with other people in general because I'm not a part of their daily lives and they don't want me intruding into their well balanced lives. My mom gets pi$$ed off at everything anyone does. According to her, everything is a personal attack against her and its hard to be around her. I've been depressed for over a year now but my mom doesn't want me to go to a therapist because she thinks the therapist will blame her for my depression. I wish I was heading off to a university to start life over but instead I'll be living at home the next 2 years and attending community college. I can't ever just leave the house because there's nothing to do and no one to do it with. I usually spend my days sitting at home staring at the walls being depressed, feeling isolated from society, and sometimes wishing I would just kill over and be done with life. I've never tried to kill myself before but I've thought about it countless times. The only joy I have in life is when I jack off but I even find it hard to muster up enough energy to that sometimes.

I can understand what you're experiencing.

If it's practical suggestions that you'd like, then I would say it sounds like your parents are acting as a bit of an obstacle at the moment. If you are depressed and having suicidal thoughts then it would be useful to see a doctor about it, ideally a psychotherapist. If you want to go to university then your parents really shouldn't be able to stop you, should they? Now I'm not entirely sure what a 'community college' is, but isn't there at least some hope that you'll meet new people there? You might also look into joining clubs or societies related to your hobbies or interests. In a big city, there must be plenty of things on offer. Exercise is also supposed to be helpful.

In a frustrating twist, none of this advice helped me, and I tried it all, but that's not because it's bad advice. I hope some positive things happen in your life soon, whether a result of this advice or not.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know this is going to sound stupid or cliche but college is where new and exciting experiences begin. A step that you can take is perhaps work at your college's bookstore, library or cafeteria where you can meet so many cool people. I work at the bookstore at my community college and I have made so many friends and it has helped me be more social and work on my people skills because I used to be antisocial and shy (I'm still shy at times). Who knows, you might even meet a lovely girl. Also hanging out a local coffee shops can be a fun experience where you can meet new people.

You are a young adult and have the power to make your own decisions and create new and wonderful memories at college. Perhaps seeing if your college offers free psychological counseling can help you out because suicidal thoughts are a serious thing. Good luck and focus on your wants and needs. Be a little selfish and explore the world around you.

Perhaps seeing if your college offers free psychological counseling can help you out because suicidal thoughts are a serious thing. Good luck and focus on your wants and needs. Be a little selfish and explore the world around you.

My community college referred me to the local county hospital for counseling. It is a teaching hospital, and I've gotten great care there for the last 6 years - for free. Most important, that is where I learned more about depression and got a clearer picture about what was holding me back...

Of course, I don't know your mother and I'm sure she's a lovely person, BUT: based on what you've said, by sending you the message that the world is a harsh place she's not able to support your natural curiosity about the world and life - which is normal for someone your age!

Use the little independence she's giving you to ask for help to start checking into your options, but try not to seek her approval for it - as much as she may love you, she's unlikely to support any legitimate steps you take to separate from her...

By acting on what you know (your mom is scared, so she can't help you), you can start turning around what sounds like a real sense of hopelessness, a predictable by-product of serious depression and feelings of helplessness. Depression can and will make you believe you are a loser and have no options, but as you can see that's not accurate.

Please, let us know what you are up to. BTW, I didn't figure this out until I was around 50, so this is the perfect time for you to start moving in the direction you choose - not one that has been unconsciously chosen for you.

-- Mon Jun 17, 2013 5:48 am --

Perhaps seeing if your college offers free psychological counseling can help you out because suicidal thoughts are a serious thing. Good luck and focus on your wants and needs. Be a little selfish and explore the world around you.

My community college referred me to the local county hospital for counseling. It is a teaching hospital, and I've gotten great care there for the last 6 years - for free. Most important, that is where I learned more about depression and got a clearer picture about what was holding me back...

Of course, I don't know your mother and I'm sure she's a lovely person, BUT: based on what you've said, by sending you the message that the world is a harsh place she's not able to support your natural curiosity about the world and life - which is normal for someone your age!

Use the little independence she's giving you to ask for help to start checking into your options, but try not to seek her approval for it - as much as she may love you, she's unlikely to support any legitimate steps you take to separate from her...

By acting on what you know (your mom is scared, so she can't help you), you can start turning around what sounds like a real sense of hopelessness, a predictable by-product of serious depression and feelings of helplessness. Depression can and will make you believe you are a loser and have no options, but as you can see that's not accurate.

Please, let us know what you are up to. BTW, I didn't figure this out until I was around 50, so this is the perfect time for you to start moving in the direction you choose - not one that has been unconsciously chosen for you.