Lupus, going no where, feeling lost...

Hello everyone.

I can't seem to get a handle lately. The bad days are outnumbering the good days. i feel like I'm back in the mental hospital again--I was placed there by my parents when they got divorced. They;re divorce got in the way of the life. They didn't do anything to support me--help me with school,let me keep skating. All they did was unload their problems on me--my dad would talk about how bad my mother was, my mother would cry because my father cheated on her with another women before they were divorced. My parents have luggage from their days and guess what. No I have it.

I'v ebeen lucky sometimes, but it seems that I'm either very lucky or very unlucky no inbetween.

I managed to pull myself out of their drama, finish high school, finish college, marry a wonderful man,. Truly he is wonderful!! He really loves me--no matter how much stuff I have with me.

Last year I was diagnosed with lupus. The doctors were so stuipid--they didn't find it till 3 months later--I was in kidney failure almost lost my kidneys. Had to go through chemo and nasty steriods that made me gain weight--I'm 170 pounds at 25. That's insane for me. Nobody seems to understand and my family who I stopped talking to years ago could only muster a phone call and card.

My father offered to donate blood to a repository in OK but with the condition I forgive his new wife. I figured as much.
JERK.

My mother is not playing an active role in my health-she one of those people who when she sees soemthing wrong she just doesn't say anything. She has no voice.

I don't know if my adreanal gland in messed up after the steriod or what--I'm seeing an Ednocrine but I won't have results till May 18. I'm off the handle. I'm destorying our new house--I break stuff our of rage. I'm so depressed all the time. I've always felt so alone--my family doens't like me--never did. Everyone things I'm a bad person. But would a bad preson go to college--University of Nebraska at Omaha, graduate with honors, participate in school, donate time ot he boys and girls club marry a good man, etc....

Why do they all think I'm so bad? Now I'm sick--I'm better now but I can't say it was because of their help.

I've started cutting myself. My wrist. And I've written my letter tomy husband. One letter to him--telling him what a beautiful person he is--and he is, really aownderful person. And one ot my family yelling atthem for causing me such grief and never apologizing.

I've thought about the car int he garage--maygbe I can run it into something--then my husban dwill atlesat get the insurance 250K out of it. My life is nothing. And I'm tired of always trying to dig it out of trenches,,nobody wants me here. My parents were never meant to be together--so I'mnot meant tobe here.

I just want th epain to stop.

Hi there, I wish to help you.

First, this may be hard, but in order for you to start getting out of this mess you must forgive your parents. If you want to forgive them you should try to understand them. Everyone makes mistakes- them, me and you. You know people have problems and they react to them; your mother doesn’t speak up, your dad has another problem, and you have rage. You think you could stop being depressed, have rage, stop cutting, and throw things if you had child? I think it is very hard to change.

Second, if is not true that nobody loves you,-your husband does. Why do you care what they think? And why what your husband thinks unimportant? Remember that you are not child any longer. You have family of your own; your parents don’t have to be part of your life if you don’t want them to be. All that is hurting you is your memories. If you think you would do better in your parents place, try doing better in your place. I think your husband gets from you what you got from your parents. You say your husband loves you, so do you think it is fair how you act around him? If your husband loves you, he wants you to get better; he want you alive. If you understand what love is, you would know that you would be doing is much worse than what your parents did. I think you should talk to him, and tell him that you angry at your parents and it’s hard for you to let go. Tell him that you know that he doesn’t deserve that, and you want to be better for him; that you want to try get better. If you can’t do it your self, therapy might help.

Also, I am so very glad that they could find it; that you are not one of the “too late”; that you are alive.

I hope this helps