I am a 44 yr old black male, and a loser. I was born a twin, but my brother died at 4 months old. As a child, I witnessed the post suicide of my mother, but I never had, or felt the need of receiving mental help. My father was in and out of jail most of my young life, so I didn't know him. My life's beginning was a tragic.
Over the years, I replaced the "human" relationship that I wanted with my father, with a "spiritual" relationship with God. So like most children do when they don't get their way... I rebelled against God when he didn't anwser my prayers.
I rebelled against his biblical teachings, giving into temptations. Then I became depressed because I wanted to , but failed to obey my "father's" instructions. Now, I'm an adult, with my own family, but I still have this childlike mentally/problem.
How do I stop feeling that God owes me something for the lost of my parents? How can I be obedient and true to my father, with all the hatred and bitterness inside developed from the tragic events in my life.
I also prayed that God show me the purpose of my existance, but because I often stray away or rebel against him, I feel that he ignores my prayers. The more he ignores...the more I rebel. I need to know why I'm here. I'm depressed and ready to give up on life's hopes.... and God too.