Depressed Loser

I am a 44 yr old black male, and a loser. I was born a twin, but my brother died at 4 months old. As a child, I witnessed the post suicide of my mother, but I never had, or felt the need of receiving mental help. My father was in and out of jail most of my young life, so I didn't know him. My life's beginning was a tragic.

Over the years, I replaced the "human" relationship that I wanted with my father, with a "spiritual" relationship with God. So like most children do when they don't get their way... I rebelled against God when he didn't anwser my prayers.

I rebelled against his biblical teachings, giving into temptations. Then I became depressed because I wanted to , but failed to obey my "father's" instructions. Now, I'm an adult, with my own family, but I still have this childlike mentally/problem.

How do I stop feeling that God owes me something for the lost of my parents? How can I be obedient and true to my father, with all the hatred and bitterness inside developed from the tragic events in my life.

I also prayed that God show me the purpose of my existance, but because I often stray away or rebel against him, I feel that he ignores my prayers. The more he ignores...the more I rebel. I need to know why I'm here. I'm depressed and ready to give up on life's hopes.... and God too.

i know where you are.

I was there, back when i began college, i got mixed up in and around so much stuff, and i started to say hey, why God? why did my parents emotionally abuse me? why did my dad tell me i was dumb every night of my life? and why doesn't my mother do somting, why does she expect for me to be the one to do somthing. I wanted to say hey god. if you did all that, or let it happen, then you dont' love me, how could you?

i forgot about him.

but now, he has shown me light, through a man, a real one, there for all of my concerns, he has answered my most important prayer, may i just have somone to love me one day, the way i deserve to be, and may he just be wonderful.

God is there, it's strange, but i know it, and the trials and tribulations, they are but muddy water beneath my feet. as he has brought me from the dirt, up, from where i lay