Please help

Hey everyone, I'm new.  I've never seen a therapist and honestly the thought of it depresses me.  They don't care about me...when the time is up, it's time to open my wallet and I'm out the door. I don't know if I have depression or something else or nothing at all.  After a rough breakup I was prescribed Zoloft and while it worked for the month or so that I took it, it gave me nasty side effects that took months to reverse, so I'm not into drugs.

My life is a mess. I'll summarize as best I can. For more details, ask.

I had a pretty normal life until the age of 17 when I came home and found my 50 year old dad completely unexpectedly dead of a heart attack.  Nothing has been the same since. I get attached to people and can't deal with losing them.

At the time I had a cute girlfriend.  A couple months later, I broke up with her in a bout of stupidity.  I realized my error a week later but it was too late. I spent the next two years pursuing her, trying to reconcile, to no avail.  I didn't date anyone else.  I was away at college and was depressed all the time.  I don't look back on college as a fun time. For me it was more confusing and depressing dealing with the change. 

Thinking the problem was the college/situation I was in, I changed schools, moving back to my parents house so I could take local classes in the city.  I ended up getting the itch to leave this situation too and transferred schools again.

I graduated, not having dated anyone at all through college.  If you saw me you'd probably wonder why.  I think im better looking than 99% of the population, but girls like confidence, and while I can maintain it for awhile, I inevitably fall back into depression. When they see this change, they run.

I graduated in the midst of the global financial crisis with a finance degree. I went to work selling shoes for almost 2 years while I applied to over 1000 jobs and had dozens of failed interviews. This was a difficult time as well, and I turned to partying and drinking to help me forget the fact that I was going nowhere in life for circumstances seemingly beyond my control.

During this time I finally found a new girl with mutual interest. We fell in love or whatever, then 6 months later she cheated on me and I went into a deep, deep depression. I later found out she had slept with about 100 guys before me and was well known as the town slut.  Self esteem = shot. About this time, I finally got a job that was somewhat finance related.  Well not really, but a start, basically a glorified bank teller.  The corporate environment was soul crushing. I worked 6 days a week, sometimes for as little as 3 hours a day, and had to wear a nametag and a uniform and recite from a script in my interactions with customers. I hated it.

About a year later I recovered from my horrible depression over being cheated on and having my world turned upside down. Someone I trusted had betrayed me. I started dating a new girl, this one 18, while I was 25.  I should have known better, but it seems like I'm pretty much limited to the bottom of the barrel.  Dont get me wrong, these were ridiculously good looking girls, but they were, I guess, alternative in that they were obviously not good long term prospects.

6 months later she dumped me, saying she didnt want a boyfriend with school coming up, she needed to focus.  A month later he had a new guy and they've been together for two years now and are living together, seemingly happy.

This sent me back into a rut.  I managed to get a real job finally, an office job, and it turns out I hate it.  I rot in a windowless room under fluorescent lights, sometimes working 11-13 hours a day, preparing massive, meaningless spreadsheets that no one looks at.  I make ok money, but considering I have a masters that cost me 50k, which is hanging over my head, i could probably be making more. For instance, a guy I went to school with dropped out of sophomore year of high school, is a felon and a convicted sex offender, and makes as much as I do.  It seems like most powerless employees make about the same amount, and to really do anything above and beyond you need to start your own business.  I've been working on that to escape this, but I'm losing money right now.  I think it'll come around, but it tough now. I took on a second job at nights/weekends to help fund my entrepreneurial efforts. I can't stand the office environment with all it's politics and gossip.  This is what I spent 50k and 6 years for? It's earth shattering realizing you worked so hard your whole life to arrive at a company/industry you hate.

I've lived in the same town my entire life and have never done any traveling or anything cool.  I've worked since 15 so I haven't had any more than a week of free time at a time since then.

My parents and sisters moved 2000 miles away a few months ago. I miss them like hell.  All my friends have moved to big cities to live their full, important lives.  I have one friend left here.  He's a great friend who'd do anything for me but he's a veteran who is extremely negative at all times.  He also has a crap job where he can never do anything, ever.  So I have no one to hang out with.

I had a lot of friends, but they were all bad people from my drinking days. I had a falling out with a few of them a year ago which ended up in me getting a restraining order against them because it was that serious, and I haven't seen them since, nor do I want to.

I had a roommate try to kill me by burning my house down a few months ago.  I kicked him out and he sued me for illegal eviction. I spent the last 4 months in and out of court.  I think I'm going to win it but it stressed me out so badly.

I got a DUI last year and lost my drivers license for what was suppose to be 6 months but ended up being a year due to incompetence of government workers. I bicycled everywhere for an entire year.  I have my license back now, but no one to hang out with.

I got in a car wreck last year too and had to go to a doctor 3x a week because my back and posture are all messed up.  It didn't help, because I sit in a terrible chair all day at my office job.

I feel like a whiny, girly man. I'm depressed, negative, jaded, cynical.  I can't get over the people that I've lost and due to the fact that I'm 27 and everyone has their lives all settled by now, I find it impossible to make new friends, especially locked in a windowless room all day.  I can't hang out with work people because of our insanely conservative company culture, I wouldn't want to risk it.

I think my depressed attitude is girl repellent and I haven't date anyone in over a year.  When I look at the last year, it went by terrifyingly fast, I feel like I'm old and approaching death, I'm making the same amount of $, I haven't dated anyone, essentially I've done NOTHING.

Girls are always initially so willing to date me, I generally find it very easy, then when I slip into a funk they see "the real me" and run away.

I think I have bad seasonal depression too.  Where I live there are only maybe 4 good months. I spend the rest locked inside because my interests all involve the outdoors and being active.

What the hell is wrong with me? Can anyone help? I feel like I'm about to do something crazy. I just don't see a way out. I've been like this for a decade.

'5162-

You have my sympathy- no, you probably have my empathy. I too lost a father, when I was a few years younger than you were when yours died. I know it had enormous consequences in my life, and I think it acted as a trigger in some way for my BP- certainly the first symptoms appeared shortly thereafter. Small time girl that I was, in some respects I responded completely opposite to the way you did, but I suspect there is an underlying commonality between us. Similar to your experience, a couple of years ago, when I experienced one of my worst depressive episodes, my fiance called off our engagement. Like you, I have refused recommended meds prescribed by helpful shrinks. Particularly with your history, I'd encourage you to stay away from all drugs- and that includes alcohol: my own experience with it isn't any happier than yours, albeit briefer.

I would encourage you to discuss your life situation with a qualified therapist- you have nothing to lose other than some time and money. Consider it an investment in yourself. Interview therapists first- find someone who you think you can relate to and who has experience dealing with people suffering depression.

I would encourage you to consider relocating- any particular reason you cannot follow your mom and sister? Some "natural" things you can do that may help with depression include exercise, getting out for a while when the sun is directly overhead (particularly important for people subject to fluorescent light), yoga. Join a social group- bowling, Sierra Club, bicycle club, whatever, just something to get outside your own too-familiar path in life. Make it your business to contribute to the group, not just partake of the benefits. I believe blue green algae is beneficial for depression (PM me if you'd care to know more), while many people swear by SAM-E.

Depression is life-constraining, and potentially even deadly. Please take the steps only you can initiate to put your life on a better track. I realize many will disagree with me, but in my opinion accepting God in your life pays dividends here on earth- certainly being active in a church group would serve a social function in your life, and that is certainly part of what religious organizations provide, even if they offer nothing else. Whether or not you are inclined in that direction, there are a variety of options.

I hope you will keep in touch here.