I Hate Myself for Being Male

Panicked I was once a Christian too with many of the problems you are experiencing but not quite as extreme.

I know all too well the fear of hell and the Bible commands about "taking captive every thought and making it serve god."

My parents brought me up in this destructive religion and I myself took to it and its teachings because I saw old people and everyone around me believing in it so I thought it must be true as since I was just a little kid I didn't know any better and trusted adult's wisdom completely and was also a victim of peer pressure from my supposed friends belief. I followed this religion without question until...

I actually started to read the Bible in depth and troubling questions began popping up in my mind and just wouldn't go away.

Questions like if Christians are the only ones that are going to get into heaven when they die doesn't that mean all of the Jews who died in the Holocaust like Anne Frank were going straight to hell even after suffering so very much simply because they didn't believe in Jesus and ask him to save them from their sins before they died and become Christians?

The answer was yes.

I also asked myself why even after finding out about all of these contradictions and bad things about Christianity why oh why did I still believe and couldn't let go of this religion that was clearly bringing me down and making me sick?

The answer was fear.

I was controlled by it.

More specifically I was controlled by the fear of going to hell when I died like you are now.

I asked myself another question.

It was...

Assuming this Christian god is a righteous and fair judge would he accept my belief in Christ that was solely based on fear and let me into heaven when I died because of it?

On the surface it seems like thats the only thing that would matter to god. Acceptance of Christ and you're in but the Bible depicts god as a fair and righteous judge and such a judge would remember the old commandment he gave through his son who is also supposed to be god according to the christian religion and it was not only an old commandment but according to Jesus the greatest commandment and it went like this: "Love the lord your god with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind and love your neighbor as you love yourself."

Sounds good enough on the surface but then I asked myself even yet another question...

How can I love a god who controls me through fear of hell, who hasn't given me a real choice ie turn or burn, whose supposed perfect holy book is full of contradictions, war crimes and rape advocacy among other human rights violations and atrocities endorsed by him against his enemies whom he also created in his own image?

The answer is I couldn't in good conscience and I'm damned proud of myself for still possessing enough common sense to question even after being brainwashed into believing this utter crap as a child.

Anyway getting back to my point I just don't believe if the Christian god is a righteous judge he will accept a person into heaven that professes Christ belief solely for fear of going to the hell Jesus Christ himself created (as the Bible says all things were created through Jesus Christ ie the word of god).

In the Bible there's another saying that goes you will know them by their fruit or some such.

Ask yourself what Christianity has done for you ie what "fruits" it has produced in your life.

To me it seems these are the fruits it has produced in your life...

1. Crippled you socially
2. Filled you with fear
3. Destroyed your peace of mind
4. Kept you from being happy
5. Is stopping you from enjoying life
6. Causes you to repress your human nature forcing yourself to be a machine
7. Made you hate yourself for being a man what this Christian god if it is real created you to be and feel like

To me the fruits of Christianity in your life have been rotten. That is all it has produced for you. Rot on many levels.

I think you have been too far damaged at this point by Christianity to accept a wishy washy version of it proposed in this thread where its ok to have lust filled thoughts and still believe in god and you'll go to heaven because the Bible when you read it says different and to do all that is a sin and I believe you put what the Bible says first like I did over another person's idea of what they think Christianity should be or is. Its not what anybody thinks it is. It is what the Bible says and what the Bible says is very destructive to our natural human wants and needs because it demands you repress those needs and if you don't you are wallowing in sin and thus on the road to hell. Wishy washy Christianity is not Christianity at all.

In closing I don't believe you have made peace with your religion my friend.

I believe its teachings are a cancer eating away at your well being and I fully believe you need to be unplugged and deprogrammed and remove yourself from it and its evil blood god Jesus Christ thats character is a ripoff of the earlier gods worshipped by people. Those gods were known as Mithra and Horus.

Below I have included some sites which I think will help you if you take the time to read them over the first will help you find out how to interact with women and get a healthy relationship going with one and give you control in the relationship so once you have a relationship you don't get disrespected and used by that woman but she gives you all the respect and love you deserve or else you dump her right away and look for a woman that will treat you right because you love yourself too much to accept anything less than that.

Start by reading its DJ Bible linked at the bottom of its page.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php

The rest of the sites will help you deprogram yourself from Christianity which has clearly hurt you in your life far more than it has ever helped you by my estimation.

http://thewaronfaith.com/debatingchristianity.htm
http://www.infidelguy.com/
http://www.christianitymeme.org/
http://www.evilbible.com/
http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/

This last one is a joke and mocking site about Christianity but the thing is it uses the Bible's real teaching's to mock it. It doesn't make stuff up.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

KontrollerX, with all due respect to your good intentions, I think you're on the other side of the coin I'm on. You have some issues that need to be resolved as well- just the opposite of the ones I have.

Panicked,

Indeed, not to condone what KontrollerX has to say about Christianity, but to agree with the point he(?) has made. Your religion is toxic to you. I am obviously not Catholic, and I have never met a "true" Catholic by your definition- one who is a strict absolute follower of all it's teachings. I have never met a "true" Protestant (or specifically, Baptist), either in that sense. If you will read the Bible, (you have chosen Christianity as your belief system, right? You might as well find out what it is all about), with a completely open mind and open heart to God- and pushing aside all of the teachings of any religious sect or your family- then you will see that Jesus/ God knows that we are going to screw up... pretty much all the time... that fact is understood and forgiven. We are being made like Him... not we have become perfect through accepting Christ. If that were the case, there would be no struggle in you over sexual thought. If you weren't meant to have them- they would just stop.

Some people think that controlling your "animalistic impulses" and your "natural" behavior is a bad thing. I don't view things relatively, so I would say they are wrong. It seems to me that you would also say they are wrong considering how you subject yourself to such rigidity. Still, that is they're opinion and I wouldn't say they aren't entitled to it.

However, society would be and to some extent is in pretty bad shape on account of people giving into their "nature". If you value order, civility and integrity then there has to be rules that go contrary to "whatever you want to do". Everybody could never have their way. When you get "your way", it's probably going to infringe on "my way".

From this viewpoint, it is not completely ridiculous to expect your faith or religion or belief- or whatever you want to call it- to set guidelines about behavior and controlling yourself. Life, and any endeavor in life is going to be fraught with mistakes. You need to come to the point where you can be okay with yourself for making them.

Now why have you chosen to follow this form of rigid Catholicism when you don't really even believe in it? Is it only because of your parents??

Like I said, I really agree with Kontroller, you need to change your religion. Of course, it may be that you decide to become truly Catholic and adhere to all of its beliefs. We can't tell you what to do- it's up to you. I think you do really need to analyze why you even have these beliefs. Whether they really are just a part of your parents and not you.

It is a variation on Pascal's Wager. I was told that I must subscribe to a certain set of moral beliefs and later on I was told that, if I rejected them, I would go to hell. I know of no way of escaping that. Plus, I don't know if anyone can escape what both their parents taught them in emphatic terms for a decade and a half of a 21-year life. On a side note, I'm not inclined towards relativism or animalism. I've been taught that all voluntary carnal-related thoughts, except for procreation, are evil and sexist. The stress of maintaining that standard is such that, lately, I often sleep much of the day out of exhaustion and also to escape the pain of my conscious mind- though I have many bad dreams as well.

Panicked,

I think that you can escape the ideas that have been ingrained within you- if you really want to. It seems like you must be what can poorly be termed a "moral" person. This is probably why you never rebelled against your parents ideas... probably why you hold them so close in your own life.

My parents are not religious and I had pretty humanistic and self-indulgent examples in them. There were a lot of negative qualities they instilled in me, like fear and distrust and low self worth. These are more abstract things than saying you will go to hell if you think... this way. But it has still been hard for me to escape those things. I say hard, but not impossible and I think it will be possible for you, too. That is, if you want to.

It might really be good for you to examine your reasons for holding those ideas so close to you and for still subscribing to those religious ideas that you don't really have a personal connection with. You do see a counselor, right? Maybe they can help you to understand and overcome these things in your life.

(On the flip side, you might find that you truly believe as they do and life might come easier for you- although I doubt that will be the outcome considering you see this aspect of your life as a problem.) If this is the case, then time (and age) will probably help you out. You are very young now, and immature in ways neither you (nor I) probably have any understanding of (don't get me wrong, I am 24 myself and certainly not claiming anything over you).

Do you have some diagnosed proble, such as an obsessive tendency or anything like that? If so, holding yourself to unnatural standards and obsessing over what you were told as a kid might be "curable" through therapy or medication (although I can;t stand drugs myself, they really do seem to help some people). I think you said that you haven't discussed this stuff with your therapist- I may be wrong there- I really think you should, as painful as it might be for you.

First, are you okay with marraige? If yes, do you believe that married couples being attracted to one another is a sin? If no, then you don't have a real issue with being attracted to women. I believe the issue lies in you distinguishing the difference between lust, and natural, God-made, instinctive thoughts about the beauty of the opposite sex.

This means I dont condone staring at women, undressing them in your mind, but beautiful women are REAL, and when you see them you will recognize they are so...but so does everyone else. God gave them that beauty.

I hope you get better
Zac

mate its not wrong to think that ok everyone does it is absouletly normal and forget what your parents say get out there and live life for your self gain your own experiences and feelings if it were true tht tht type of thing sent you to hell everyone would be in hell and as far as im concerened god isnt all that strict otherwise im sure we would of had a couple more Noahs ark type things happen there are much worse people then you and the fact tht ur worrying about it clearly states your a nice guy because your trying to do whats right and at the end of the day thats whats important

I hate myself for being a male

me too

hey man u really need to relax about all this sexual stuff. its 2006 and sex is rampid, all over the place, a focal point of society and way accepted as even a leisure activity by many if not most. i really think u should go to the opposite extreme and start pursuing girls and having sex, lots of sex with lots of real hot girls that u get to know and meet. if u bottle up your urges u will explode and end up a lunatic or go insane. please take a deep breath, tell your parents and their views to get lost and get out there like the rest of society and start trying to get laid. u can look at the ground and ignore your sexual urges when youre dead. in the few years when u r young that u can actually get laid go and do it, please.

Panicked, I have another idea for you. You are a very religious Catholic, so I will appeal to your specific belief system. Catholic priests are supposed to be holy, knowledgeable men, are they not? For the purpose of this particular conversation, we will cast aside those who committed horrible crimes against children and just talk about those who truly live a pious, devoted life. If you believe that these men are chosen to impart God's message to the world, put your money where your mouth is. You parents did not take vows and enter into the priesthood.

I have a project for you. Like any good researcher, you need to find the truth by getting a broad sample. Your parents and this forum alone are not a good representative group of Catholics, especially since many of us (myself included) have admitted to not being Catholic. SO... I charge you to go to as many priests as possible, not just in your diocese but everywhere, and ask them the questions you are asking here. Bring them your struggles and ask them for their wisdom. If you are a Catholic, you will trust the word of these men appointed to teach you the Bible by the Pope himself. Seek their counsel.. not just one but many, so that you can see what you should and should not feel guilty about.