I Hate Myself for Being Male

The following problems cause me both depression and panic. If you are easily hurt by gender related topics, please don't read any further. This first paragraph is to warn you that I am going to bring up some rather unpleasant subjects in this thread. If you read beyond this sentence, I gather that you are not easily hurt by such topics.
Okay, at least for now, I have made peace with my religion. It is no longer my main obstacle. A far bigger problem is that I hate myself for being male- particularly for being a heterosexual male. You see, I was raised by my parents with an understanding that women participate in the carnal because they want to be loved, while male sexuality, unless it is for the purpose of procreation within marriage, is inherently exploitive and disrespectful towards women. I can't stand the idea that every carnally related thought I have may be an evil against the woman who is its subject. I have taken it a step beyond my parents' teachings by looking up so-called radical feminist teachings, which state that male heterosexuality is cruel and the basis of all societal oppression. Try as I might, I cannot destroy my carnal nature. I have beaten and literally tortured myself in attempts to do so. It is futile. Let me make it very clear that I don't do anything. I don't harass women and I would never commit fornication. However, my mind doesn't stay perfectly asexual and I can't make it do so with any amount of willpower or prayer. I have been taught by my parents and more recently by reading I have done about certain types of feminism that all male heterosexual thoughts- even relatively mild ones- are inherently degrading and/or cruel. My birth and my parents' celibacy that resulted from it have only strengthened this idea in my mind. I recently turned 21, and because of the above problems, along with religious crises, I seldom leave the home I share with my parents except for medical appointments, and even then I stare at the ground to avoid seeing women and potentially feeling attracted to them. I also avoid all images of women. I do see a psychiatrist once a month and take psychiatric medications, including medications for panic and depression. My problems often make me suicidal, but I am not in imminent danger of suicide. I don't what else to write except that I need advice on how to deal with all of this. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry to say that I seriously think that your parents? may of messed you up with this. I am female and I dont agree with any aspects of what you have said. I believe if two people love each other (even regardless of which sex-thats my belief to) is that there is nothing wrong with enjoying a fullfilling relationship. There is nothing wrong with those thoughts, in fact they are natural, not only for men but women also. If you guys out there dont think we dont think and feel good about these relationships then your wrong about that too. Its completey normal to feel and think things about the opposite sex (or same if that suits) or to lust after someone..Its Natural!!! I believe you may feel the way you do now because of what your parents have instilled in you growing up. I'm sure any therapist would have to have an opinion on this, What about anyone else here.. If you arent careful, you'll blink one day and your youth, where you should be having fun and enjoying yourself will be gone with maybe many regrets as you get older about what you had lost... Enjoy your youth.. your inner "carnal" thoughts you think arnt normal.... Are natural. Please get some help..Dont let your youth pass you by, you should be enjoying your life. You sound like a nice person, just a bit misguided?? Talk to your therapist about this. Good luck. Anyone else hopefully will give you some honest natural advice!! One of the most beautiful things in life is to share a loving "fullfilling" relationship. dont let yours pass you by....

Thank you very much. My parents would tell me that, yes, it is normal to have such thoughts involuntarily come into my mind, but that I must remove them immediately. If I did not, my mother would believe that I was putting my soul in eternal danger, and both my parents (my father is not religious) would believe that I was degrading women. My repression is so extreme that I have engaged in various forms of self-harm, both psychological and physical, as a means of feeling in control. My parents both had terrible experiences earlier in their lives that led up to all of this, and one of the main formative experiences in my life was realizing that my parents have been celibate for the last 21 years- that is, since my birth- because of how terrible my birth was for my mother. My mother associates my birth with the way children are conceived. Combine that with what my parents taught me- extremely strict morals and ideas from certain kinds of feminism- and I think it is obvious where my problems started. How to solve these problems, though, is beyond me right now.

oh hon. Im female and if you care about someone its OK to be physically intimate....dont be so hard on yourself....

Well, not only have I always been celibate, I have never been on anything remotely resembling a date in my life- I've never even held hands with a woman. All of this is mainly because of the problems I write about above. Some of this had to do with the terrible religious conversion I experienced in late 2004, which I wrote about in the panic forum. Since that time, I have taken more and more to heart the idea that if I have any carnal feelings towards a woman outside marriage (and obviously, I'm not married), I must destroy those impulses. Furthermore, I have some Catholic training (though I'm not a Catholic), so I believe I must avoid all "occasions of sin", or situations in which sinning is likely. I have become more and more extreme about this over the past couple of months. At this point, I not only stare at the ground on the rare occasions I get outside, I avoid all images of women, in part because I am afraid I will go to hell if I don't and in part because my parents were particularly emphatic that any carnal inclinations brought about by an image of a woman (photographs, paintings and so forth) are degrading to women. I won't lie. In my teens, I failed miserably in following that moral teaching, but now I follow it to its logical extreme. I also committed the "m word" until my religious conversion, something of which I am now deeply ashamed. I stopped that completely about 16 months ago. I'm sorry for the sickening details about my life, but I felt I had to be completely honest. Again, I appreciate any advice about these problems. Thank you very much.

Maybe the meds will help soon. Women neeed attention too and really dont want to have sex only for procreation. Women LIKE to do it about someone they care about...If you have a lustful thought what do you think will happen? Honestly? Its not real. Do you know its not real and you just cant help it or do you really believe this...I have OCD and sometimes I think some really weird stuff..and I have to face some of my dopey things I go through and then it doesnt seem so bad. Do you thnk yours is like an OCD thing? Sorry if my questions seem ignorant...You really seem very sweet. Im sorry youre going through this...

I have been diagnosed with OCD. I'm very confused right now, but I still can't forget the feeling I had about a year and a half ago. It felt like a divine warning that I had to purge myself of the carnal or go to hell and that I was on the very brink of hell. I know this seems outlandish and it was accompanied by terrible panic attacks, but it is hard to describe how real it felt. Then it merged into my complexes about my birth and my parents' celibacy and teachings, leading to the subject of this thread. Thank you very much for your help and advice. Obviously, I can't fully discuss much of this with my parents.

Panicked, if its OCD then you got to face some of the stuff that freaks you out...Its totally sucks but Im finding its the only way out. Otherwise youre not really living your life this way. Your already in hell, arent you? And Gd did not put you here to be miserable walking around looking at the ground and hating yourself and thinking youre bad and youre thoughts are bad. Did s/he?
One little thing at a time. Its uncomfortable ,to put it mildly,but I think the only way out is through it...Really just like if I told you my stupid stuff and you would say, well thats not rea, the thoughts youre having arent real....Im sure. I know its hard...

Poor Panicked,

I will appeal to your religious beliefs since that seems to be a big roadblock for you. You'll have to work on the OCD tendencies with your therapist, though. I think that's a big part of the problem.

God made humans the way He wanted us. If that is true, then making consentual sex (and everything sexual) feel good was His idea. If you deny to yourself that sex and touching feels good, you are telling God that He made a mistake. Most men AND women truly enjoy sex when it's with someone they care about and vice versa. Your parents are the exception, not the rule here. Love isn't disrespectful, and the lust you can feel for someone you love can bring you closer and keep you bonded for a longer, happier marriage. Don't you think that's a great reason for us to have those feelings?

It isn't bad or disrespectful to women to simply admire or feel desire for them. If I could hear other people's thoughts and knew a man saw me and felt lust but didn't act on it, I wouldn't be insulted or feel degraded. It's just the way humans are made. I have those thoughts and they don't hurt me or the men I have them about. How would you feel if you had the power to hear women's thoughts and you heard a woman's lustful thoughts about you? Would you feel degraded or insulted because she thought, "wow, what a cute guy".

If God is love, then he is more interested in you enjoying your life rather than living in fear and shame. You were made to have sexual thoughts, and your thoughts alone can hurt no one. If you allow yourself those thoughts and quit feeling so guilty for them, you'd see that they really don't enter your mind so much. Denying those urges and feelings just makes them stronger. There is no shame in appreciating the human form and how it compels us. Don't insult your Creator by being ashamed of what He made you to feel.

That is wise and helpful advice. Thank you very much. I'm still very afraid of hell, though, and I'll have to sort out all of the theology in my mind. Replying to the last poster, no, I wouldn't be offended in the least if I could somehow hear a lustful thought (even a deliberate one) that a woman had about me. My parents would tell me, though, that I should be offended and that if I were not offended it would indicate a lack of self-respect. I wish I knew the truth. Well, at any rate, thank you again.