help

I feel extremely depressed right now, I don't know if it's the Klonopin wearing off (was only on it for 3 weeks and I tapered) or if I'm getting frustrated b/c my psychologist isn't helping me confront feelings from my past. I told her what happened to me and I thought she would help me express the feelings but she isn't. I typed up what has happened to me to bring me to this point. Sorry if it's not written well but I can't think right now and I'm scared..


I still feel stressed out from a bad experience I had in high school. It was my senior year in 1997 when it happened. I was extremely self conscience and insecure about my sexuality. I had been called names ever since 7th grade. #######1, homo, etc. By senior year in high school it was all that was on my mind and I was extremely self conscious during class. I had a very hard time expressing my feelings, mostly because I never had to express myself because I always just followed my twin brother. Anyways my senior year I didn’t do any sports or have any friends. I felt very depressed but nowhere near as depressed as I am feeling now, 9 years later. What happened was, basically I had to avoid people or I would just break down and cry and I didn’t want to do that because I’m shy etc. So I really should of gotten help in 1997 but I graduated high school and everybody went their separate ways. I, however, still couldn’t stop thinking about it. To this day my heart is still thumping like it was in high school.. that is the only way I know to myself that I’m still the same as then.

When I went to college I still felt like I was in high school mentally and emotionally. The insecurity, isolation and self consciousness was even greater. It was so bad that I would get catatonic in class and everybody would notice me. Somehow, I’m not sure exactly how, rumors got started about me and I was famous on campus. Even people who diI had to withdraw from classes. Everybody recognized me on campus and off, for at least a couple years. I stayed out of school for 5 years until 2005 when my family pretty much forced me to sign up for classes at the same school again, even though I said I didn’t want to. When I went back I still couldn’t forget what happened before and I basically picked up right where I was when I left in 2000. I was really isolated and self conscious. I had to bike from class to my car because I was so afraid of people making fun of me even though nobody remembered me because it was all different people.

On February 26, 2006 I took 2000mg of Provigil, a narcolepsy drug, in an attempt to get a buzz. I had taken it before to stay awake for classes, not because I had narcolepsy. I knew that 2000mg would be a little bit like cocaine, from reading on the internet. This was my first time trying to get high. I’d never done marijuana or even beer.. After I took it I realized what a stupid thing it was to do and immediately went to the ER at Fairfax Hospital. They let me go after about 5 hours and giving me an IV. 3 days later, after the drug was out of my system I started to get panic attacks. I ended up going to the mental hospital. They basically said I was already stressed out or something and the Provigil pushed me over the edge. So they put me on Celexa, Risperdal, and Klonopin. It has been almost 5 weeks since I first started these drugs. I stopped the Klonopin 5 days ago after tapering for 1 week at ½ mg twice a day, then once a day for a week. But now I’m feeling extremely depressed. I don’t know if it’s the Klonopin withdrawl or if I feel depressed because I told my story to my psychologist and she doesn’t get me to express my feelings. She says I have agoraphobia and wants me to get out more. That’s nice but I feel desperate to get my high school and college experiences off my chest and I think that’s why I’m getting depressed. Should I try to find another psychologist? I just thought that once I told my story to a psychologist/psychiatrist they would help me but they’re not. So far the only person I’ve felt like I can talk to is the nurse in the ER but I only saw her for a few minutes. She basically said they can’t help me there, that I need to find a psychiatrist. Sigh.. I just want this depression to go away, it is truly scary. I find myself thinking about the razor blade upstairs.

i have been bullied my entire life, by my parents, family, in gen. people at school, and even up until my seniopr yr in highschool as well, it hurts when you feel like no one cares, but one day i decided that i was going to care about myself, and i had a few friends that did too, and i find that thats the most impotant thing right now, careing about me, and makeing myself happy for once, and not denying that things hurt, to feel the bad, let it out, so i can let some good in, honestly, i didn't read your entire story, but i knew enough at first to say what i have said, and anytime you need it, i'm gonna care about you too.