Purposefully making things worse?

I haven't actually been diagnosed with anything, so I feel wrong posting this here. On top of that, I find this may be a controversial topic, so try not to lash out at me, 'kay? Mods can add a trigger warning on the subject line, if need be.

When I first learned what bipolarity is, it got me thinking I might have that, but a short and simple mood diary reviewed by my psychiatrist suggests that's not what it is. During the time of the diary (1-2 weeks) and ever since, I've been wishing I really did have some sort of a mental illness that would justify my thoughts, actions and whatever feelings I have left. Something other than my own incapability, laziness and overall desire to not even try to blame.

Now comes the embarrassing part: I've been drinking moderate amounts (from 2 small cans to a whole six-pack) of alcohol almost every day for around two months now. It does let me feel at ease and other positive things, but I keep wishing I would get addicted in hopes of someone noticing something. Then again, why would anyone realise anything, when all I do is sit on the computer, barely talking to anyone even on Skype and such, from the afternoon 'till the dawn, so everyone is sleeping most of the time I'm up.

That's not the only thing; I started cutting about a week ago, and it's worse than it was previously. I've been doing it almost every day for the past week, much more often than before. There used to be a period of several months between the cuttings before. Reading all the stories of people getting addicted on it makes me wanna do it even more.

On both unhealthy habits, I've noticed some form of a relief I never felt before. Alcohol gives me a high similar to a nicotine buzz, but longer. Self-harming gives a bigger endorphine rush than it used to, too.



A word about my feelings: I've noticed I never really felt any strong emotions. It's seems to have turned to complete apathy. If someone asked me why do I self-injure, I wouldn't be able to give a proper emotional reason, but just go with whatever I've learned: "It makes the brain produce it's natural painkillers which act as a legal drug. And since emotional and physical pain operate in the same part of the brain, it numbs me from whatever emotions I might be having." Similarly, whenever my friend talks about his yet-to-come surgery, or his own depression for that matter, I try to comfort him: "I hope you get better/What's the matter/etc/etc". That sounds all well and good, until I realise I'm saying that not because I feel he should get better, but because my logic says that's what I should say. I also managed to ask something from my crush, again; not because I was interested, but because I thought "This is what anyone else would ask in this situation after what she just said". She's gone now, too btw. Missed my chances to get to know her better. Not that I'd want to drag someone so nice into all my troubles.

This also means I'm completely devoid of all remorseful and regretful feelings concerning others, that might keep me from taking my life.

I may not be the sharpest pencil in the box, but I know that's not how feelings should work.



My psychiatrist talked about some long-term (2.5 to 3 years) therapy, but it would need my full cooperation, the desire to get better and motivation. The thing I lack the most. All that's on my mind anymore are the thoughts of wanting to be dead. Or more precisely; wanting to "get dead". Giving the gruesomely figurative middle-finger to everybody around. That, and simply just wanting it all to end. I've had suicidal thoughts at least since I was 14 or 15 (same as SH). They've been getting much worse recently. Much more detailed and serious.



On top of everything, I'm about to get kicked out of the house and run out of money, which means alcohol and nicotine withdrawal at the same time. That leaves only the natural brain chemicals as a fix to rely on.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist again tomorrow, and I feel like I should get drunk before going, just so that she can see I'm not doing good. I don't think she yet understands what I'm going through.

Does all this make me a selfish and bad person? A disgrace to people who are really mentally ill?



I'm a perfectionist and this post is all over the place, so I wanna really, really badly scratch everything I just wrote. And my social phobia affects me on the internet as well. But since I've been meaning to post here for a couple of months and there are actually nice and helpful people here, might as well as do it now.

The apathy is normal. When my grandmother died I didn't feel sad. Even when they were lowering her casket into the ground I still felt nothing. Don't feel bad about this. If others knew what you were going through most would understand.

I'm sure drinking and cutting make you feel good. But I think what you need the most is friend. Someone who understands your problems and pays attention to you. If you keep up this behavior you will have attention but of the bad kind. You do matter and you are important.

If you ever need something pm me.

Hey there

Sorry that things are tough for you at the moment. It is absolutely fine to post here it doesn't matter if you do or don't have an official diagnosis. You sound like things are tough for you right now and needing/ wanting a little support is normal imo.

Have you ever seen a doctor about the way you are feeling?? Sorry you have started cutting i too have self harmed in the past and the self harm forum here is very supportive there are also some good stickies with alternatives if you are looking for that too. With regards to self harm it can become very addictive very quickly and although that seems to be something you want if you can please try not to go down this route. It can be life destroying in so many ways, have you expressed any of that to a doctor?

cutting-self-injury/

cutting-self-injury/topic85378.html

May i ask if you drink everyday? again imo it doesn't matter what the volume of alcohol your drinking is it's more the fact that you feel you can't make it through the day without it. I understand and appreciate that there are different severities and that unfortunately that can impact on what help and support is offered. But even if you aren't being given any official help how about looking in alcohol annonymous as a source of help and support?

If you feel your self harm thoughts and suicidal ideation is becoming worse i again would recommend reaching out to a doctor and talking about this with them.

In my opinion it doesn't make you selfish or a bad person and definately not a disgrace to 'really mentally ill' as you phrase it.