I don't know what it's like to not be depressed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i got to wondering;

I've been depressed for that long (20 years), will i even feel like me when i get better?
Is it even possible to get better after so long?
Will i notice the difference?

I'm not really expecting anyone to be able to give me answers - it's just something i've been thinking a lot about.
Has anyone else had the same questions?

((Hugs))
willow

I feel the same way. I have no idea what it's like to not have that feeling of something being or going wrong. There have only been a few times in life where that feeling goes away, neither of which were "natural". One was during a mania, and the other times were on heroin.

I guess I have a glimpse of feeling normal, but I just don't know either. I'm sure with some work, one day we'll be able to say we know how it feels to be normal.

Hi,

Thank you so much for replying. Its nice to know i'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm assuming since you mentioned mania that your depression is caused by BP?
I've had snippets of almost happiness but i can never really enjoy them because i know the darkness is never far away and its always so much worse after a relatively OK day.
I sometimes use alcohol and occasionally cocaine to feel 'normal', its always follwed by a massive crash tho so not always worth it.

I hope one day we will both know how it feels!

((hugs)) and take care

Hi willow

I truely believe it is possible to 'get better' after so long however i don't pretend to know how that will happen or what that will look like for you. I have had a spell of depression not as long as yourself granted but on and off throughout my teens and probably most of my twenties. The last maybe 3years have been a living hell. I completely forgot what happiness even looked like let alone felt like. It felt like enjoyment and happiness was only ever a fleeting thing i began believing i could nor would i ever be happy again. BUT after a fairly intense last year - 18months i have worked on myself had individual therapy and group therapy amongst other things and i can genuinely say that now hand on heart i am happy. Things are definately looking up and i am enjoying my life so much more. I think you will definately notice the difference. I remember when i started having ok days they felt alien and surreal then i started having good days instead of ok days and they too felt surreal but in time i have learnt to accept where i'm at and realise that its ok for me to be happy and enjoy things in my life.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that imo things can and will get better and that it sometimes takes ALOT of hardwork and perseverence which i'm sure you already know.

Do you mind me asking if you take any medication or have any kind of therapy to work on the roots of your depression??

I hope this finds you well

Hi Restored,

Thank you so much for your reply.
I'm glad to hear you are enjoying life more and you are happy! It's inspiring to read and it gives me hope that i too will know that feeling. Thank you for that!

I'm prepared for the hard work , i think i've lived long enough with all these issues. It's time to let go of them. Even though i have no idea how to live without them! I'm willing to learn.

To answer your question, i'm taking 40mg Fluoxotine which is being raised to 60mg (i also have Bulimia). I sometimes take tamazepam for insomnia too.
I see a CPN every two weeks and i'm waiting for an assessment with the Eating Disorder Service, but i do see a lovely women from an eating disorder charity every week.

I kind of wish i had started working on some issues a long time ago instead of leaving it until they all need treatment all at once! Its a bit overwhelming when i think of everything.

Thank you again
((Hugs))

I've had snippets of almost happiness but i can never really enjoy them because i know the darkness is never far away and its always so much worse after a relatively OK day.

i know how that feels. in fact i remember even in the midst of my worst depression, i desperately wanted the pain go away, yet when moments of happiness came in i would literally panic and think depressing thoughts to bring myself down. while it's still like that for me, it's only somewhat.

when you say you can never enjoy snippets of happiness because you know the darkness is never far away, do you experience that as anxiety like i do? a lot of the time, it's almost like it's the anxiety the thing that kills the joy in that regard, like my mind is constantly telling me, your happy now but your going to be depressed so don't enjoy it, then i become depressed, then i get depressed about being depressed.

I've been depressed for that long (20 years), will i even feel like me when i get better?

well as a person, your much more your depression. in other words, its something you have, not something you are, just as joyfulness doesn't completely define a person. of course things will be different though.

Is it even possible to get better after so long?
Will i notice the difference?

Yes and yes, just like life, its a journey to getting better with setbacks/accomplishments. and i imagine you gained a lot from the depression you've dealt with even though it may not seem like it. strong and courageous for one, as it takes both of those things to deal with those things, and i'd imagine you could be in a position to enjoy happiness more than the average person, who usually takes it for granted.

also, these books have very much helped with my depression and i recommend it for anyone, whether dealing with depression or not

http://www.amazon.com/The-Wisdom-Escape ... pd_sim_b_4

http://www.amazon.com/Full-Catastrophe- ... phe+living

this second one is about mindfulness

also this blog has helped me a lot
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php ... -too-late/

Hi mike,
Thank you for the reply.

bigmike7104 wrote:when you say you can never enjoy snippets of happiness because you know the darkness is never far away, do you experience that as anxiety like i do? a lot of the time, it's almost like it's the anxiety the thing that kills the joy in that regard, like my mind is constantly telling me, your happy now but your going to be depressed so don't enjoy it, then i become depressed, then i get depressed about being depressed.

Yeh, this is kind of the way it happens for me. It seems the less depressed i am the more anxiety i have. I always think maybe if i don't enjoy the ok days then maybe i won't crash so hard.

bigmike7104 wrote:Yes and yes, just like life, its a journey to getting better with setbacks/accomplishments. and i imagine you gained a lot from the depression you've dealt with even though it may not seem like it. strong and courageous for one, as it takes both of those things to deal with those things, and i'd imagine you could be in a position to enjoy happiness more than the average person, who usually takes it for granted.

I don't feel like i've gained anything from it, i don't remember being any different. I have hope that i will one day be able to enjoy happiness. I know its going to take a lot of hard work but i'm prepared for that. I'm pretty stubborn so i won't give up easily

Thank you also for the links - i will have a look at the books and the website.
((Hugs))